I drew the above picture after a day of celebrating love between my cousin and her life partner of choice.
When I drew it, it was thoughtless and unintentional because it resides on the pages of my journal and ever since drawing it: I've never taken the time to question why? Did I draw it because I want to be in love? Is it a euphoric residue after seeing people celebrate love or am I just taken up by the concept of finding love than actually being in love?
I don't know.
All these questions took my mind back to a month or so where one of my best friends said I was falling in love (with one of the hardest persons I've had the misfortune to fancy) and it woke me up! Her thoughts made me take a hard look at the situation, the person and it made me realize that if I was falling in love, I didn't want to fall freely, stupidly and settle for crumbs. No.
'Before you fall, take a hard look at where you're falling then you will know how to fall.' That quote went through my head as I mentally laid everything on the table. I knew without a doubt I am too good to settle for a person who treats me like an after thought, an ego-stroker, someone who makes me feel like I am trying to scale down the Great Wall of China with a fork in every conversation. To sum it up like a dog chasing after the elusive bone.
I've hurt more these past months than I've ever hurt for somebody, fallen into a depression I last suffered two years ago for something or someone that is really just an illusion of the thing - a concept.
Recently, I came across someone who thought that my being single is for lack of opportunity. How I laughed! For a girl to be single is not lack of opportunity, it is knowing what she wants and the decision to not settle for what's on offer especially if it doesn't give her room for growth. We may not have a say in who we fall for but we do have a say in who and what we finally settle for. That choice is up to us at the end of the day.
Whether concept, illusion or the real thing, I do know without a doubt that the next time I decide to fall for someone; it best be on my terms. Yes! I'd like to wake up to and be on the receiving end of 'good morning', 'how is your day', good night' texts that I will reply to six hours later if I feel like it and phone calls I wouldn't deign to pick nor respond to because I am busy! Busy seeing you blow up my phone while my heart is doing a jig for having an unsolicited ego-stroker who I can get back to when it suits me. That includes a fortnight. Thank you.
On a serious note though; I may not know what I want or what being in love is like or if I am ready for it... Whatever. What I do know is I'd like it to be an easy fall. A mutual meeting of two lonely souls that appreciate one another enough to share the experience and wonderment of it all. The euphoria, nostalgia and melancholy as well as the little pinches that come with having divergent views and opinions. As long as we both know and look at each other with love at the end of a hard day. With gazes that will remind us of why we fell, settled and loved one another in the beginning.
Like I scribbled on the drawing: it ain't gotta be perfect as long as it is real and mutual.