Emotionally Tired!

I hinted at my foray into being a social butterfly here without going into detail just how exhausting it is. The words were not ready then but are now.
Aside from having lunch dates with two of my oldest best friends who I hadn’t seen in years, I went on two dates as well although the last date happened after the social butterfly had hung up her wings. It was a spur of the moment kind of thing between both parties.
Anyway, the difference between these two dates is: one felt like a catch-up between old friends because we spent five hours eating and chatting while date two… Had the same overtones, yes. But, there were a little of those things that creep in when you are with someone that makes you feel some type of way (as we say nowadays). I had a good time at both but if it were up to me; date one would be the yardstick on which I’d measure a good date be it with or without feelings.
Judging from the lack of posts on dating, you can safely assume that I haven’t been in the dating field for quite sometime. The last time I dated or even made attempts at a relationship was at university. After that I have been loving my company. These attempts are to allay the fears of some of my aunts and me trying not to become a spinster without a concerted effort to mitigate the spiral.
What I have come to realize or learnt along the way is; all relationships are not only different but come with nuances that are uniquely theirs. It probably has to do with how someone makes you feel- the feelings dictate how to go about it or maybe the guy does. Every guy has his method of operation, no?
At this point in my life, I know I do not want to make investments in something that isn’t going anywhere. Not because age is catching up with me, but because it is tiring trying to make something work when you both clearly see it isn’t going anywhere. Too many feelings and memories to get rid off if it doesn’t work and too much time wasted trying get over the heartache. This is why I do not personally encourage guys who come my way when I know what they want is not on the table nor will it ever be.
Also, I’d like the boundaries of whatever it is defined. Come as a friend in my life and I’ll treat you as such. Come with not so friendly intentions and you’ll be treated as much as your intentions warrant. But do not come as a friend then try to cross over. No. It throws everything into a tailspin and once you realize you want to be friends again, it doesn’t work out. We all have a formula to friendships that don’t include one trying to crossover then seamlessly transition to again. It makes you an expendable entity.
I’ve said it before; once you friend-zone me, what makes you think I will comfortably be the friend? You will never be my friend. You are not going to loan me money if I ever need it. It takes years to cultivate a friendship full of trust, generosity, kindness and comfort unlike a relationship. People form relationships everyday unlike friendships. Friendships can stand the test of several bad relationships. The little you know about me or I you is not enough to make us friends and never will.
Decide who you want to be in my life and I shall treat you as such.

A Catch Up!

It is a little hard to believe how the year is going by so damn fast! I recently leafed through my gratitude journal and diary as a look back on all that I’d gone through the first half of the year in comparison to what is happening. Between then and now; nothing much has changed yet a lot has happened. I have failed to get over an experience or two that happened in the first quarter unlike the second. This continues to lurk in not only my thoughts but also lingers in my happy place. The last thing one wants is the presence of someone (even in thought) in your happy place. 
Speaking of my happy place, my reading has fallen off the wagon. I have managed to read just a handful of books this year almost by force. I can’t seem to find the time to just luxuriate in a good book and sigh over the story. If at all I do; it is to read a few chapters here and there which makes for a disconnected experience between the story and I, the reader. If the year wasn't almost up, I would have made this a resolution.
If I knew then what I know now; I would not pray for being a social butterfly! I never prayed for being a social butterfly. It just happened and is TAXING! How do people who go dancing everyday of the week manage to make it through one day to the next? The several Saturdays I have managed neither to cancel nor postpone plans took the stuffing out of me. July came to an end with me being a social butterfly- a situation I didn’t want for August but much as I try not to be involved there is something to pull me out of my cocoon.
This year has been quite full of surprises especially when it comes to writing. I say it over and over that writing is not my forte and this sentiment hasn’t changed. But, I am beginning to enjoy the little things that bring out the Shakespeare in me. Who knew I had a poetic muscle that loves to be flexed now and then? However, much as I love flexing it when the need arises, I have come to realize that the sources of inspiration are no good. Yes, if that girl or guy ever brings out the Shakespeare in you, stay the hell away but enjoy the creativity. Let the creativity flow like it is meant to because it takes away all those little niggles of doubt and you get to say everything you cannot tell him or her. That’s the beauty of creativity.
For the first time in my life; I made a doodle of a guy’s name. Name doodles are usually reserved for self as every artist knows because they say  a lot. A lot more than the actual drawing could ever say. I have never ever made name doodles of someone else’s name except mine. I did it at the end of one of the most exhausting days at work and being able to do so after such a hard day said it all. It was a day of letting go of everything and being one with the pencil. In those moments; nothing else matters. Nothing.