The Week That Was

Left leg under a full length cast

This week started off with a birthday celebration. During the celebration, my mood was inexplicably low. The girls thought it was a guy disturbing me and I blamed it on my period. I could not put a finger on it until I scrutinised the date and its significance. The date of celebration was the same day I was in an accident. In my own way, I was celebrating life.

 

8th June 2018 was such a beautiful morning. I noticed it because I was giddy with what I thought was love.  My heart was so happy that I truly believed happiness was not  the fickle feeling that I took it to be. My memory of everything I was doing the day before shall forever remain intact. I had a yoga session, before I went to bed I was writing a note to a man I was falling in love with. That night was so cold. It was raining and the last thought before I drifted off to sleep was if he was next to me, I would burrow under his t-shirt for additional warmth. Recalling this to this day makes me think God had a huge laugh at my expense… The odd thing about this particular morning was my mental recitation of a prayer for the newly departed. Inna lilahi wa inna ilaihi raj'un popped into my head on the way. I questioned it and hoped not to receive bad news on the way. Reflecting on this later, it was to confirm that sometimes we may accompany people to their deaths without knowing it. The person I was with that morning passed away while I was undergoing surgery. 

 

Recovery is indeed a process. I have unexpected bursts of Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome most especially when I'm in a car. Even with people I trust, I find myself gripped with fear when a car shoots by the one I'm in or see one coming directly in front of us at break-neck speed. I first noticed this last year while going on a work trip. The driver mentioned how frightened I was whenever a car was passing by or when he sped to overtake the other vehicles. I thought I was hiding it well but apparently not. Also, you never know how effective an almost fatal incident like this has on you until the shift in dreams that you thought were of value to you. I had to give up on a dream I have held since I was a teenager after my accident. I do not regret it except for the other dream I chose to hold onto. I may have to give up on that as well.

 

Two years down the road… The left ankle that swells to the size of a potato when I have borne more weight on it than I should is regaining colour. It no longer looks as dark as charcoal and is slowly blending into my normal complexion. I have the worst skin ever. All my bruises turn black and take ages to fade.

 

At the birthday celebration, we talked about friendships and what they meant to each of us. A topic I have been reviewing and evaluating these two years. I have perused comments on Facebook posts scoffing at people who expect 100% from their friends because they have been there for them and the friends in question failed to return that show of support during their hard times. The lesson here is that while some of us value friendships at 100%, others value them at 10%. That is why they have no expectations whatsoever out of these friendships. They are happy with that 10% when and if it comes in. If you are like me, you should not feel guilty about expecting more from the people you have given 100% to in good or bad times. I was lucky to have unexpected people outside my circle of friends and family check on me during my recuperation and it made up for the ones that failed.

 

I last internalised the male gaze in 2015 but I have done so much of it this year more so in the past month that I forgot to be proud of my progress. I was happy when I noticed the discolouration, how my bones do not ache as much when the cold gets to me or when I am exhausted at the point of injury. Full flexibility is still a dream for now because I stopped with the physiotherapy that seemed a lot more torturous than should be.

 

So far, this is the longest I have used crutches as a pair. Initially, I was afraid but now, I have a bit of confidence in them. I can swing on them if I wanted and no longer tire as easily as I did the first couple of months. The most tedious thing is the caution. I have to have to be vigilant of where I place the crutches while on gravel and slippery floor. It takes a lot more energy having to think and walk with care.

 

The fact that my mood has been all over the place this week 8th-13th June 2020 is evidence that the mind may forget but the body never forgets what it has been through.

 

Here's to recovery, better friendships and courage to go through the hard times without breaking.