Are You Ever Ready?

‘I am not ready’. ‘You are not ready’. ‘We are not ready’.

I was scrolling through my Facebook feed and landed on a post a friend had commented on. A woman had written in to a radio station saying that her boyfriend of 5 years is soon turning 30 and wants a positive pregnancy 🤰 test as a birthday present. The woman is 2 years shy of 30 and is not ready. 

This made me think, are we ever ready for a situation? Do we know how ready we are until we are in the middle of it? No. 

Before I braced myself and then some to go for studies, I was a bundle of doubts. 

When a friend of mine sent me the application, I fired him so many questions just to dissuade him from encouraging me to apply. He had an answer to all the questions. To get him off my case, I accepted to apply. I went to office, sat on the application for the day and sent it to him. Late in the night, he told me he had issues with sending it and I told him to leave it. But he convinced me to send it myself. I did that the following day. 

I wrote that off until months later when I received an email inviting me for the interview. This interview. Let me first laugh at myself. 😂 I received the date and time while I was busy packing for the African Women’s Leadership Institute program. It was for 7 days and at a hotel deep in Namugongo while the interview was to be in Ntinda at the former offices of National Council for Disability. You should have seen me try to make it work. 

I had already stalled with the AWLI program and to cancel at the last minute was not right. I thought of turning down the interview because I couldn’t see myself flying from Namugongo to Ntinda but my friend and my  mother convinced me otherwise. I had also read for it like my life depended on it. 

Like in all life changing situations of my life, my brother was around and had use of my sister’s car. When mum informed me that he would pick me up, I told him the time he should pick me up and to bring along the dress I had in mind to wear for the interview. At NCD, someone I know (a fellow woman with a disability) walked into the room and she told me she was interviewing for the same. I told her then that I wouldn’t mind losing the interview to her. They could only take one of us. I interviewed with the mind that she will be the one to succeed. 

Months down the road, I received an acceptance email on a really bad day. I braced myself before opening it because I couldn’t take anymore bad news and was shocked. I didn’t know what to do because I wasn’t expecting to be accepted. I didn’t even celebrate. 😢 

In the period of chasing academic and travel documents plus work commitments, my sister was diagnosed with a blood clot & was admitted to the High Dependency Unit. 

This literally put a wrench in everything. I was just returning from a trip to Iganga when my mum explicitly told me to go stay with my nephew for the duration. I worked and looked after my nephew until his mother was discharged. This set my mum and I back severally. I applied for our visas when the visa office was a day to breaking off for the December holiday. 

January 2020 dawned. We were to travel the first week of January but because we had applied late for the visas… I still harboured doubts about leaving the job, all that was familiar to me (family, friends, weather) and having a doctor a phone call away. In the background, there was also someone’s son. He had just hinted at a tea-date and I kept thinking, ‘what if this has the potential to blossom into something and my leaving kills it?’ I was a mess! Chap wasn’t even proposing but I actually considered the repercussions of the trip. That’s how you know it’s not easy being a girl. 😂

I had misgivings. I kept talking to my senior advisor about most of them and he firmly told me that losing the job should not be cause for me to turn down an opportunity to better myself. If I lost it, there would be something else. I tendered in my request for study leave 3 days to the day of travel while my mum did all the running around shopping and packing. 

On the day of, I had to do more shopping, lunch with my sister Anitsha and continue to pack. I’d also wanted to see my nephew one more time before I left because I was so afraid he would forget me. He’d just learnt to say my name, picked up on the fact that I used crutches and was becoming a little connoisseur of tea. 

Yeah, misgivings and doubts did not go away even while I was going through the student experience. Nevertheless, I went. I lived. I loved. I studied. I thrived. I did it all while I was afraid and do not regret it one bit. 

My point is you never know that you are ready for anything until you are either right in the middle of the situation or walking the steps. All you have to do is take that leap of faith but prepare for the consequences. Like leaving someone’s son yet all he had suggested was a tea-date. 😒 

This post was also inspired by a current situation in my life...

The Week That Was

Left leg under a full length cast

This week started off with a birthday celebration. During the celebration, my mood was inexplicably low. The girls thought it was a guy disturbing me and I blamed it on my period. I could not put a finger on it until I scrutinised the date and its significance. The date of celebration was the same day I was in an accident. In my own way, I was celebrating life.

 

8th June 2018 was such a beautiful morning. I noticed it because I was giddy with what I thought was love.  My heart was so happy that I truly believed happiness was not  the fickle feeling that I took it to be. My memory of everything I was doing the day before shall forever remain intact. I had a yoga session, before I went to bed I was writing a note to a man I was falling in love with. That night was so cold. It was raining and the last thought before I drifted off to sleep was if he was next to me, I would burrow under his t-shirt for additional warmth. Recalling this to this day makes me think God had a huge laugh at my expense… The odd thing about this particular morning was my mental recitation of a prayer for the newly departed. Inna lilahi wa inna ilaihi raj'un popped into my head on the way. I questioned it and hoped not to receive bad news on the way. Reflecting on this later, it was to confirm that sometimes we may accompany people to their deaths without knowing it. The person I was with that morning passed away while I was undergoing surgery. 

 

Recovery is indeed a process. I have unexpected bursts of Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome most especially when I'm in a car. Even with people I trust, I find myself gripped with fear when a car shoots by the one I'm in or see one coming directly in front of us at break-neck speed. I first noticed this last year while going on a work trip. The driver mentioned how frightened I was whenever a car was passing by or when he sped to overtake the other vehicles. I thought I was hiding it well but apparently not. Also, you never know how effective an almost fatal incident like this has on you until the shift in dreams that you thought were of value to you. I had to give up on a dream I have held since I was a teenager after my accident. I do not regret it except for the other dream I chose to hold onto. I may have to give up on that as well.

 

Two years down the road… The left ankle that swells to the size of a potato when I have borne more weight on it than I should is regaining colour. It no longer looks as dark as charcoal and is slowly blending into my normal complexion. I have the worst skin ever. All my bruises turn black and take ages to fade.

 

At the birthday celebration, we talked about friendships and what they meant to each of us. A topic I have been reviewing and evaluating these two years. I have perused comments on Facebook posts scoffing at people who expect 100% from their friends because they have been there for them and the friends in question failed to return that show of support during their hard times. The lesson here is that while some of us value friendships at 100%, others value them at 10%. That is why they have no expectations whatsoever out of these friendships. They are happy with that 10% when and if it comes in. If you are like me, you should not feel guilty about expecting more from the people you have given 100% to in good or bad times. I was lucky to have unexpected people outside my circle of friends and family check on me during my recuperation and it made up for the ones that failed.

 

I last internalised the male gaze in 2015 but I have done so much of it this year more so in the past month that I forgot to be proud of my progress. I was happy when I noticed the discolouration, how my bones do not ache as much when the cold gets to me or when I am exhausted at the point of injury. Full flexibility is still a dream for now because I stopped with the physiotherapy that seemed a lot more torturous than should be.

 

So far, this is the longest I have used crutches as a pair. Initially, I was afraid but now, I have a bit of confidence in them. I can swing on them if I wanted and no longer tire as easily as I did the first couple of months. The most tedious thing is the caution. I have to have to be vigilant of where I place the crutches while on gravel and slippery floor. It takes a lot more energy having to think and walk with care.

 

The fact that my mood has been all over the place this week 8th-13th June 2020 is evidence that the mind may forget but the body never forgets what it has been through.

 

Here's to recovery, better friendships and courage to go through the hard times without breaking.

Walks Down Memory Lane

In the recuperation period  of a recent traumatic event I experienced, I find myself adding on a Facebook break because of my need to detach. Not only am I dealing with the reparation of broken bones but also the disappointment and sorrow that comes with matters of the heart.

Ever since 2015; which I diligently documented here when the feelings weren't so raw, I consciously took a break from dating, liking and entertaining thoughts of me on the arm of a significant other until I was both mentally and emotionally strong. The road to single girl business hasn't been all that smooth considering the fact that last year, many of society's voices were in my ear over my lack of a significant other. It has never been easy being a girl more so since our achievements are still measured by the yardstick of the fruits of our womb if not the man by our side. I took all criticism and well meaning "advice" in stride and much as it bogged me down and made me question my noteworthy accomplishments, I shook it off in a matter of months and continued with the derivative pleasure of single girl business until a two-legged human that wears pants and shorts on a permanent basis decided to interrupt.

Clearly; there is no rest for the weary because in a perfect world, someone in my current situation would be dealing with one problem, not two. Life is that funny. After two years of single girl business, being alone but not lonely, I promised myself to try but wasn't actively searching. No. I left all that to God and any man or woman kind enough to hook me up with their friends albeit at my inconvenience.

Then came the declaration I never expected to hear in my lifetime. I resolved to give the declarer a chance because I thought he knew what he wanted (he sounded it because I believed him for those two months) until I spotted emerging traits of behaviour that precipitated my depression and led to my prior decision, the decision to stay single until someone that cares enough for me and actually means it comes along.

Whichever way I look at it; I do not think I am asking for too much from someone I choose to love or vice-versa but it seems to be for the people I give chances to. I have never relished the thought of being an after thought to someone I choose to love and I do not expect them to treat me as such but alas, that is the way they want the cookie to crumble and I refuse to settle.

I was having a repeat performance of 2015 whereby I watched this person be active on social media without as much as "hello" to me in the morning or a "how was your day in the evening", at least every other day because I do not expect someone to be texting me on a daily basis. It hurt a lot back then and it still hurts. That is the behaviour I have been putting up with for close to a month and seeing it killed me every fuckin day. I spent a full weekend in tears over the disappointment in myself and knew that if I do not mitigate before I spiralled, I would lose myself along the way yet I had put a lot of work on my emotional and mental health to let myself drown into an abyss once again.  This informed my decision to deactivate my account, take time off to neutralize feelings, fully detach and leave him to concentrate on the people he cares for enough to mean it.
How am I supposed to heal broken bones with a broken spirit? I need to look out for me since I am only good enough for myself and no one else. Until I come first for the person that chooses to love me and actually shows; I am not settling, even if it means becoming the spinster aunt I find myself resigned to.

I hope to fruitfully use the time off Facebook and Twitter to build my spirit and engage in activities I let slip like reading and writing. I missed this space and the flow of words.

Her Mother

Her Mother.
Her strength,
Her courage,

The adoration she basks in with each success,
The source of pride in her uncompromising values,
The beacon of hope in an uncertain future,
The unwavering faith behind her pursuit of happiness,
The will behind her indomitable persona,

Her courage,
Her strength,
Her Mother.

You Never Cared

You never cared.
What I don't understand is why you're taking so much of my thoughts, lately?!
Why does your name pop up in my moments of sadness?
I shouldn't even ask this because you found me at my most vulnerable. As much as giving you the oars to my boat was freeing, you caused a lot more damage than I expected.
A year and half later; unmarred by your poor attempt at communication, why does your name suddenly pop up in my thoughts?
What you don't know is; the first quota of the year has been more than splendid my side. The one thing I've been unable to complain about is my life and all that's happening. In fact, I'm more appreciative of it-the way it is.
When your name pops up, it hangs like a shadow on the fringes of this happiness. I don't want that. I don't want anything to do with you casting shadows over my glow!
You never cared.
So, why does your name keep popping up in my thoughts?
I weaned myself off giving permanent feelings to temporary people, chasing nonexistent emotions and affection. Feelings and emotions that should come naturally with ease between people who actually care for one another. The girl you thought you knew reverted to the person she was before giving up her oars for you.
Knowing you never cared should be a barrier to your occupancy of my thoughts.

A Year Older.

I turned a year older on the 22nd of May. Am I a little wiser? Smarter? Not in the least but a whole lot better emotionally and mentally.

Getting older last year was such a source of turmoil that to look back on it and not feel a pinch of the emotions it wrought is a blessing in itself.

I've never been filled with so much despair and impotence over my lot in life nor have I ever failed at everything I attempted to do more than I did last year.

The year itself was a full study in patience that when it came down to the crunch; there was nothing to do except bend. To the will of God and life itself. I discovered that a person can only try so much without losing themselves in the process. So I caved. I accepted the situations as they arose and left the rest to God. 

The funny thing about life is that turning points happen when you're in a different frame of mind. By then; I was firmly into acceptance of the way things were that when the turning point came; I didn't know whether to laugh or just crumble into a little heap and weep. 

I did neither of those nor did I express any form of excitement. I guess I was still caught up in disbelief that by the time it wore off and contract signed (this year), the little window of excitement had become shut. 

After 9 months of failed attempts, I became gainfully employed. Inasmuch as it was a hard year, the ending was absolutely perfect. It made me realize how nice it is to end a year with a promise. A little bit of hope to hold on and look forward to in the future. 

Alhamdulilah to another year. For the gift of life and chance to do better and be better. All I ask for this year is patience - with myself mostly.

Aside from that; my life, right now, may not be as perfect as people think it should be but it's enough.

Choice

We have no say over the memories people choose to keep of us.

We only have it over the feelings we evoke in them. 

Those last longer than the memories. 

x Shanah

Lost Love

Love of each others lives,
Back from the past,
On the brink of something new,
Something wonderful,
Would it be the same?
Because time took its toll.
Led them to different paths,
Changed them from who they used to be,
Into people they hardly recognize.
Is it worth the chance?
To carry on from where they left of,
Love as adults,
For they have changed.
They are hardly who they used to be.
Have fought indescribable battles,
Battles that left them scarred,
Yet here they are,
On the brink of discovery,
Of finding out,
If what life took from them,
Is something they ever wanted,
A second chance to love,
To live out their love story,
And finally see where it might lead,
If indeed their story was meant to last,
Marked as their final one,
In the book of life.

- Shanah

I wrote this poem in 2015 and coming across it while going through my starred emails was such a pleasure. I think it was inspired by the telenovela, "What Life Took From Me". The first but not last poem I wrote inspired by a telenovela. This goes to show how addicted I am to those things.






Photo credit: googledotcom

You Don't Know Me Enough

You don't know me enough
You don't know me enough to call me 'Honey',
You don't know me enough to call me 'Sugar',
You don't know me enough to call me 'Baby',
You don't know me enough to call me 'Boo',
You certainly don't know me enough to call me 'Love'.
Call me by my name.
Say it when we talk.
Write it in reference to me.
Then I'll know you know,
who you're talking to,
The person behind the name.

Shanah

Romance

Dear girl,
Romance is food for the soul.
Stay away from the boys who don't offer it.
They are robbers of emotional deposits.
However liberal you are in your thinking,
You need these little acts from boys.
To remind you of your femininity,
To drive home the message;
You are desirable.

Shanah







Photo Credits: google

The Story Of You.

When you grow up,
You meet a lot of people,
People who will write the story of you,
In the book of life.
You will come across the curious souls,
Whose sole purpose is to sketch a mental outline of you,
Once it's done, you will never see them again.
You will come across the users,
Interested in their own journey,
With you as the vehicle to their destination.
You will come across the genuine souls,
The ones interested in your story,
And wish to be part.
They will go as far as lending a hand,
In the writing process.
Fill out their mental sketch of you,
Detail by detail,
Bringing you to life.
Stick with the genuine souls,
They are interested in writing the story of you,
At your pace,
While reading it,
In the book of life.

- Shanah

Photo Credits: google.com

His Hometown

Me trying out the local drink Kashera

I passed through his home town today.
I mentally kept checking out and off the landmarks I recalled him excitedly telling me about.
I listened with one ear as he went on and on about the prominent figures that belong to his hometown.
The delight he expressed in their ability to light it up during Christmas season and how much he loved it.
I was much more interested in seeing his eyes light up as he described the area.
The little smile that crossed his face at the rush of good memories.
Never did I imagine I would one day be in his part of the world.
Not only be in it but unable to tell him about it.
As I looked out for the places he mentioned,
I went back to that day; relived the memory and his excitement then snuffed out the onslaught of memories.
The sheer irony couldn't escape my nostalgia.
I was in the hometown of somebody I used to know. And I couldn't tell him about it.
Even if I wanted to.
The driver urged me to get in touch with him; tell him my experiences and how I love the lushness of the green here.
I couldn't.
I do not want to.
I no longer wish to be apart of the circus.
What people fail to understand is; the circus stops being entertaining at some point. One can only attend a few uncertain but adrenaline pumping shows before the amusement wears off.
As much as I am tempted, I am no longer interested.
I have outgrown a one man circus act.

The Guest House

I came across this poem from Rumi whilst going through feed from +Ideapod   and simply had to share because it resonates and sums up all the feelings we have to deal with as humans on a daily basis. You never know what mood is going to keep you company when you wake up nor spend the day with.

“The Guest House ~
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.”
Rumi

It's main message is to embrace it all, no matter what. However much it hurts, at the bottom of it all comes relief as long as you immerse yourself in the feelings and not fight them.

Facebook Memories

Facebook memories.

Ghosts from the past that return to haunt you when you least expect it.

When the little notification pings, I brace myself in anticipation of what  might be in store. Good or bad? Morose or gay? What the post might turn out to be never matters much as long as it is not a rant!

There is nothing more cringeworthy than a rant on social media! The sole bane to the gaiety of Facebook memories.

With the daily ping of reminders, the promise I made  myself two years ago; never to rant on social media more so on Facebook lurks. I did so much of it on Twitter that ultimately, I had to delete the account and start afresh. 

However, the year of being a good girl on Twitter never portended well for Facebook.

A time or two; my inner devil has come out to play with little to no provocation. This is what I get for not being able to write as frequently as I did the years before last.

Being whoever you wish to be on social media notwithstanding, I know this is not the person I wish nor desire to be. Hence my decision to get rid of all the people that bring out this side of me.

I no longer desire to see people who bring it out on my timeline. Not anymore. Seeing them in the groups I belong to is emough. Everyone needs a respite from the bullshit at the end of the day.

As dire as the picture I am painting of these little memories may seem, there have been good ones albeit not so many. They have been enough to smile about and chuckle over. Going through the comments rears the friends lost along the way and ones gained. An honest depiction of life, cause we lose and gain some with little regret.
I had banked on Facebook memories to remind me of the good that happened last year. At this point in time; I am inclined to believe they do not exist. Which, if you look at it, may not be a bad thing for we all have that one year or two we wish to forget! 2015 was that year for me.

The Tincture of Time

This time last year was the hardest part of 2015 for me and it is no wonder  why I was neither looking forward to my Facebook memories nor going through them. So much pain, emotional upheaval and an insurmountable darkness that I did not know how to deal without letting go.

I had to let go of everything that holds me together to deal with depression - to accept in order to feel and get better without getting medical help. One good day; I took out one of my works in progress with the hope that it will help my mood only for my mood to extend itself to the piece. A piece that brought about this post.

It's been a year since Beauty In Ugly. I couldn't read the piece and look at the drawing without tears rushing to my eyes. The memories stung, so did the evidence of my despair. Even writing this is giving me a heavy heart at the moment albeit a little more painless. 

What a difference time makes given the chance? As much as I am reminded of everything I went through this time of year; I am in a somewhat good place. Getting through the day is no longer a struggle. I no longer have  inexplicable crying bouts and  the heavy baggage I used to carry on my heart is lighter. The best thing about it all is; the wish that used to get me through the remaining days and months is hardly a chant anymore neither is it a hangar for all the positivity I needed.

Time takes it all away given the opportunity. Let yourself go through the motions: mentally and emotionally  with its guiding touch. It will take you where you wish to be regardless of the duration. 

Little Surprises

"I didn't set goals this year."

Lately, that is the thought that runs through my mind at every bad turn. Nothing seems to be going according to a nonexistent plan and it hurts a little. I feel like I am where I was not so many years ago. However, those little shadows of failure cannot take away my smile from some of the surprising successes of the past few months.

My writing has been quite sporadic as evident and inasmuch as I am unable to string two coherent sentences together in an abandoned journal, the words are starting to return. Little by little; I am returning to the person that used to write short little notes on her phone and twitter. If there is one thing I do not want to lose along with my knack for drawing is the ability to write. Writing has and will always be my tried and tested form of therapy no matter the situation.

I had one interview and a half if I can call it that. My very first interview of the year was with a boss chick who is basically doing what I want to do. I'm not sure if she felt my admiration during the process but she made quite the impression on me. I remember telling my brother about it later and he saying, 'I hope you didn't show her you wanted her job.' That's how much I was impressed. I didn't get the position but cutting it to the interview stage was  motivating. As for the second one; I was invited but never made it. The last time I ever did anything in the grip of intense pain was my final year exams at university. I sat them sick as a dog and I promised myself never to do so for anything not even this interview that found me in said condition.

As the year progressed, I made two promises to myself: not to give out my number to guys and not write any of their names and feelings or thoughts evoked in my journal. I bombed on the first promise and upheld the second. In a year where it was mentally a 'no boys allowed' zone, there came along two people of which I found the second intriguing. Kind of like that person your sub-conscience randomly wonders what makes them tick then let the thought go until God or life drops them in your lap and the more you get to know them the curiouser and curiouser you become!

Still on the breaking of the 'no boys allowed' zone. I went on an indescribable thing. I am not sure if it was a date or a drive-by or whatever they call it nowadays with a guy who I found in the company of his friends! Those were the most awkward 30 minutes of my life and an experience I would care less to repeat. I had no idea boys do such things. He should have told me to bring my friends too.

There have been a few uncharacteristically crazy happenings which I hope not to repeat in the next couple of months and years. I want them to end with just one person for the rest of my life regardless of the stay in each other's lives. My inner crazy came out, played and called it. That's it.

The best part of it all are the boundless moments of inspiration. I may not have shared much on Simply Shanah but my drawing is the constant positive right now and I love it. I have been able to draw a couple of drawings using my favourite medium while trying my hand albeit unsuccessfully at color and painting. Those two mediums are not my forte and I even wonder why I bother!

I am such a pessimist. I believe in promises when they come true however life from this point of view doesn't look so bad. It reminds me of why I started a gratitude journal-to concentrate on the positive instead of dwelling on the negative like I usually do. Maybe I should make more of an effort until I find my rhythm. I may not be fully solid emotions wise but it is enough. 

The Way It Is

It's sad you no longer see the truth in my words without getting your back up.
You are the one person I have ever shared my truths with implicitly.
With each truth lately,
I am either pushing you away or explaining myself.
I do not want to explain myself.
It is either you believe or not.
Your actions and responses claim you do not and it is OK.
You may not be fine with the way things are but I am.
I am fine with the way it is.

Shanah

Birthday Blues

Last month was my birthday and this time round it didn't go without a bit of pomp and circumstance. I was imbued with poor health throughout the month that the excitement was at an all time low. But alas; I managed to celebrate it poor health and all.
For the first time in my life, I had the birthday blues. My heart ground to a stop and started to beat faster as I thought over my lack of accomplishments. To date, the only expensive things I hold are my life and education.
I was in such a panic! I felt this past birthday marked the beginning of the end for my life. The proverbial clock (not maternal) had literally started ticking. As much as I would love to go out and conquer the world to my satisfaction; there is so much one person can do and I can't do it all.
It is there and then that I decided to be good and do good. If my good deeds before weren't enough the ones henceforth would hold water as I prepare for my end whenever it may come. The saddest thing in my books would be leaving this world without the gift of a little human for people to remember me by.

The Single Woman's Sassy Survival Guide - Quotes

There are times when I sit in contemplation over the running mood of Simply Shanah; to go with the prevalent theme or abandon it for something entirely lighter? Try as I may; I think I am miserably failing in that feat. I haven't writen something sensible in forever! The gratitude journal I am supposedly keeping remains empty. Not because there is nothing to be grateful for, no. My heart and mood, however lighter they may be, are not up to the habit. Anway, that's neither here nor there.
I am a fan of The Single Woman also known as Mandy Hale. I read her blog whenever I can and follow her on most social media platforms. As much as I love her blog posts, I wholeheartedly tried to stay away from her books. They fall in the 'Self-Help' category which I loathe to read as a book-worm.
However in a night where I was bored out of my mind with questions swirling over and over over the wisdom of my choices, I needed a little soul re-affirmation and conviction. I bit the bullet and downloaded her very first book 'The Single Woman's Sassy Survival Guide: Letting Go and Moving On'.
I read it in a couple of hours and it more or less re-inforced my stance on the decisions I have here-to made where matters of the heart are concerned. I noted a few quotes that resonated with me and thought to share.

Sometimes life offers us a second chance to get it right and sometimes life just offers us a second chance to say goodbye.

Friends and lovers and opportunities will come into our lives and, in some cases, shake us to our very core along the way...however, not all are meant to stay.

You can only let a person chase you for so long before you realize that maybe, just maybe, they never intended to catch you after all.

If you keep handing your heart to someone and they keep handing it back, or worse, breaking it - it's Okay to protect yourself by removing yourself from their life.

If someone keeps spitting game at you but bringing nothing but the same to you, it's Okay to forfeit and walk away.

If its not honoring you, it doesn't deserve a seat at your table.

If it doesn't feel right, it's not right-at least for you.

We exit a situation that feels wrong for reasons we can't quite put our fingers on, only to find out later that we were right all along.

Success is determined as much by the opportunities you are willing to release as the ones you seize.

When someone shows no interest in being with you, is consistently inconsistent, and their actions do not match up with their words - it's time to let go.

You were not put on this earth to stay chained to someone else's desk while your own dream sits on the shelf gathering dust.

The desires of your heart were not put there by accident. Follow them.

You have to want the life that is meant for you bad enough to surrender everything that's not.

Spring clean your life the same way you would your closet. Let go of the old and make room for the new.

New things can only grow where you give them room to bloom.

The reason people become bitter and disenchanted with life is because they cling to anger like a bad habit and never release it.

A busy, vibrant, goal-oriented woman is so much more attractive than a woman who waits around for a man to validate her.

A woman that is always available can quickly become synonymous with a woman that is desperate.

A woman who is not afraid to be unpredictable is a woman that will always, always keep his attention.

It is far better to live a life of uncertain happiness than of certain misery.

It is in the letting go that we become who we are meant to be.

I loved the book. So much so that I completed it in a few hours. It had a nice flow to it and was exceptionally enlightening on the friendship and work aspects.

Tired

I wrote this early last year when I was at my wits' end from people asking me to get out of hibernation and socialise, go out and date e.t.c. It was quite frustrating and seeing as it has come full circle and that I still feel this way; I thought it best to share.

I don't want to give up but I feel it is what I should do.
Tired of searching.
Tired of flirting.
Tired of trying.
Tired of playing the field.
I just want it to happen when the time is ripe for it.
I don't want to have to work at it.
I want it to be effortless: a mutual meeting of two lost souls coming together.
I don't want to give up but I feel; giving up is the best thing I can do to let what is meant to be happen.
In its own time and in its own way.

Shanah