Are You Ever Ready?

‘I am not ready’. ‘You are not ready’. ‘We are not ready’.

I was scrolling through my Facebook feed and landed on a post a friend had commented on. A woman had written in to a radio station saying that her boyfriend of 5 years is soon turning 30 and wants a positive pregnancy 🤰 test as a birthday present. The woman is 2 years shy of 30 and is not ready. 

This made me think, are we ever ready for a situation? Do we know how ready we are until we are in the middle of it? No. 

Before I braced myself and then some to go for studies, I was a bundle of doubts. 

When a friend of mine sent me the application, I fired him so many questions just to dissuade him from encouraging me to apply. He had an answer to all the questions. To get him off my case, I accepted to apply. I went to office, sat on the application for the day and sent it to him. Late in the night, he told me he had issues with sending it and I told him to leave it. But he convinced me to send it myself. I did that the following day. 

I wrote that off until months later when I received an email inviting me for the interview. This interview. Let me first laugh at myself. 😂 I received the date and time while I was busy packing for the African Women’s Leadership Institute program. It was for 7 days and at a hotel deep in Namugongo while the interview was to be in Ntinda at the former offices of National Council for Disability. You should have seen me try to make it work. 

I had already stalled with the AWLI program and to cancel at the last minute was not right. I thought of turning down the interview because I couldn’t see myself flying from Namugongo to Ntinda but my friend and my  mother convinced me otherwise. I had also read for it like my life depended on it. 

Like in all life changing situations of my life, my brother was around and had use of my sister’s car. When mum informed me that he would pick me up, I told him the time he should pick me up and to bring along the dress I had in mind to wear for the interview. At NCD, someone I know (a fellow woman with a disability) walked into the room and she told me she was interviewing for the same. I told her then that I wouldn’t mind losing the interview to her. They could only take one of us. I interviewed with the mind that she will be the one to succeed. 

Months down the road, I received an acceptance email on a really bad day. I braced myself before opening it because I couldn’t take anymore bad news and was shocked. I didn’t know what to do because I wasn’t expecting to be accepted. I didn’t even celebrate. 😢 

In the period of chasing academic and travel documents plus work commitments, my sister was diagnosed with a blood clot & was admitted to the High Dependency Unit. 

This literally put a wrench in everything. I was just returning from a trip to Iganga when my mum explicitly told me to go stay with my nephew for the duration. I worked and looked after my nephew until his mother was discharged. This set my mum and I back severally. I applied for our visas when the visa office was a day to breaking off for the December holiday. 

January 2020 dawned. We were to travel the first week of January but because we had applied late for the visas… I still harboured doubts about leaving the job, all that was familiar to me (family, friends, weather) and having a doctor a phone call away. In the background, there was also someone’s son. He had just hinted at a tea-date and I kept thinking, ‘what if this has the potential to blossom into something and my leaving kills it?’ I was a mess! Chap wasn’t even proposing but I actually considered the repercussions of the trip. That’s how you know it’s not easy being a girl. 😂

I had misgivings. I kept talking to my senior advisor about most of them and he firmly told me that losing the job should not be cause for me to turn down an opportunity to better myself. If I lost it, there would be something else. I tendered in my request for study leave 3 days to the day of travel while my mum did all the running around shopping and packing. 

On the day of, I had to do more shopping, lunch with my sister Anitsha and continue to pack. I’d also wanted to see my nephew one more time before I left because I was so afraid he would forget me. He’d just learnt to say my name, picked up on the fact that I used crutches and was becoming a little connoisseur of tea. 

Yeah, misgivings and doubts did not go away even while I was going through the student experience. Nevertheless, I went. I lived. I loved. I studied. I thrived. I did it all while I was afraid and do not regret it one bit. 

My point is you never know that you are ready for anything until you are either right in the middle of the situation or walking the steps. All you have to do is take that leap of faith but prepare for the consequences. Like leaving someone’s son yet all he had suggested was a tea-date. 😒 

This post was also inspired by a current situation in my life...

You Never Cared

You never cared.
What I don't understand is why you're taking so much of my thoughts, lately?!
Why does your name pop up in my moments of sadness?
I shouldn't even ask this because you found me at my most vulnerable. As much as giving you the oars to my boat was freeing, you caused a lot more damage than I expected.
A year and half later; unmarred by your poor attempt at communication, why does your name suddenly pop up in my thoughts?
What you don't know is; the first quota of the year has been more than splendid my side. The one thing I've been unable to complain about is my life and all that's happening. In fact, I'm more appreciative of it-the way it is.
When your name pops up, it hangs like a shadow on the fringes of this happiness. I don't want that. I don't want anything to do with you casting shadows over my glow!
You never cared.
So, why does your name keep popping up in my thoughts?
I weaned myself off giving permanent feelings to temporary people, chasing nonexistent emotions and affection. Feelings and emotions that should come naturally with ease between people who actually care for one another. The girl you thought you knew reverted to the person she was before giving up her oars for you.
Knowing you never cared should be a barrier to your occupancy of my thoughts.

A Year Older.

I turned a year older on the 22nd of May. Am I a little wiser? Smarter? Not in the least but a whole lot better emotionally and mentally.

Getting older last year was such a source of turmoil that to look back on it and not feel a pinch of the emotions it wrought is a blessing in itself.

I've never been filled with so much despair and impotence over my lot in life nor have I ever failed at everything I attempted to do more than I did last year.

The year itself was a full study in patience that when it came down to the crunch; there was nothing to do except bend. To the will of God and life itself. I discovered that a person can only try so much without losing themselves in the process. So I caved. I accepted the situations as they arose and left the rest to God. 

The funny thing about life is that turning points happen when you're in a different frame of mind. By then; I was firmly into acceptance of the way things were that when the turning point came; I didn't know whether to laugh or just crumble into a little heap and weep. 

I did neither of those nor did I express any form of excitement. I guess I was still caught up in disbelief that by the time it wore off and contract signed (this year), the little window of excitement had become shut. 

After 9 months of failed attempts, I became gainfully employed. Inasmuch as it was a hard year, the ending was absolutely perfect. It made me realize how nice it is to end a year with a promise. A little bit of hope to hold on and look forward to in the future. 

Alhamdulilah to another year. For the gift of life and chance to do better and be better. All I ask for this year is patience - with myself mostly.

Aside from that; my life, right now, may not be as perfect as people think it should be but it's enough.

Fifth Anniversary!

Simply Shanah made five years! Wow!
I remember my very first post and the day I decided to put some of my life’s experiences on an open platform like it was yesterday. So many memories both good and bad, so many tear filled (but you wouldn’t know that), angry and depressive posts like life’s endless storms.

I chanced upon the above quote several months back and it made me re-think the purpose of Simply Shanah. It made me want to give it an overhaul, a different purpose and entirely a new focus. But that would have entailed losing a lot of who I am in black and white. The experiences I have been through that are just snippets on my journals and the little odd bits that I keep sharing. It is a true depiction of my life – all over the place and I wouldn’t change any of it anytime soon.
If I had gone through with the revamp, I wouldn’t be able to look back and gauge how much I have grown as a person in thought and writing. I also wouldn’t have concrete reminders of some of the painful situations in my life and how I overcame them. I mean; there is a period where there were hardly any depressed posts, well until recently of course. This is something because I am that girl… perpetually on the brink of depression and fortunately I have learnt how to deal with it more successfully than yesteryear.
Five years of Simply Shanah! If the feedback from friends and the readers is anything to go by; I have grown in my writing and the readership is amazing at this point. It takes a lot of energy to string together two words to form a coherent thought for a blog post and I admire those who do so on a regular basis unlike I. I barely have the time anymore and because of it my other baby is performing dismally.
Right now, at this moment in time, I am trying to get back to the basics and do what needs to be done especially for the things I care about most: this, my art and other baby not forgetting my French. Something was taking up too much of my time and it wasn’t in anyway constructive at all. In fact, I let myself be caught up in it and ended up losing the person I was before it. I am wholeheartedly trying to get back to that person because that girl knew who she was.
On that note; Happy happy anniversary to my first baby Simply Shanah!!! :) Thank you for reading and sharing the odd posts now and then.

I Promise Myself...

The Secret Quotes on twitter shared this letter of Promise and I identified with some of the promises written unknowingly. I have tried to remain true to myself amongst other things. The only thing I would add is try not to be so much of a slacker?