Little Surprises

"I didn't set goals this year."

Lately, that is the thought that runs through my mind at every bad turn. Nothing seems to be going according to a nonexistent plan and it hurts a little. I feel like I am where I was not so many years ago. However, those little shadows of failure cannot take away my smile from some of the surprising successes of the past few months.

My writing has been quite sporadic as evident and inasmuch as I am unable to string two coherent sentences together in an abandoned journal, the words are starting to return. Little by little; I am returning to the person that used to write short little notes on her phone and twitter. If there is one thing I do not want to lose along with my knack for drawing is the ability to write. Writing has and will always be my tried and tested form of therapy no matter the situation.

I had one interview and a half if I can call it that. My very first interview of the year was with a boss chick who is basically doing what I want to do. I'm not sure if she felt my admiration during the process but she made quite the impression on me. I remember telling my brother about it later and he saying, 'I hope you didn't show her you wanted her job.' That's how much I was impressed. I didn't get the position but cutting it to the interview stage was  motivating. As for the second one; I was invited but never made it. The last time I ever did anything in the grip of intense pain was my final year exams at university. I sat them sick as a dog and I promised myself never to do so for anything not even this interview that found me in said condition.

As the year progressed, I made two promises to myself: not to give out my number to guys and not write any of their names and feelings or thoughts evoked in my journal. I bombed on the first promise and upheld the second. In a year where it was mentally a 'no boys allowed' zone, there came along two people of which I found the second intriguing. Kind of like that person your sub-conscience randomly wonders what makes them tick then let the thought go until God or life drops them in your lap and the more you get to know them the curiouser and curiouser you become!

Still on the breaking of the 'no boys allowed' zone. I went on an indescribable thing. I am not sure if it was a date or a drive-by or whatever they call it nowadays with a guy who I found in the company of his friends! Those were the most awkward 30 minutes of my life and an experience I would care less to repeat. I had no idea boys do such things. He should have told me to bring my friends too.

There have been a few uncharacteristically crazy happenings which I hope not to repeat in the next couple of months and years. I want them to end with just one person for the rest of my life regardless of the stay in each other's lives. My inner crazy came out, played and called it. That's it.

The best part of it all are the boundless moments of inspiration. I may not have shared much on Simply Shanah but my drawing is the constant positive right now and I love it. I have been able to draw a couple of drawings using my favourite medium while trying my hand albeit unsuccessfully at color and painting. Those two mediums are not my forte and I even wonder why I bother!

I am such a pessimist. I believe in promises when they come true however life from this point of view doesn't look so bad. It reminds me of why I started a gratitude journal-to concentrate on the positive instead of dwelling on the negative like I usually do. Maybe I should make more of an effort until I find my rhythm. I may not be fully solid emotions wise but it is enough. 

My 2015

The year is a stone’s throwaway from coming to an end and I couldn’t be anymore glad to see it go. 2015 has been exceptionally hard in ways I never ever thought would be so much so that concentrating on the good in each day was a chore as the passed by.
Along the way; I made a lot of decisions that so far are turning out for the better. I hope they hold for times to come. Regardless of my mood and emotional chaos, there were a few smile inducing moments in my darkest of days even if I had to edit this compilation several times!

02/06/2015 – Gainful employment gives me a sense of fulfilment I am beginning to love. Alhamdulilah for the abundant opportunities.
06/06/2015 – Finding my bank statement with a heavy account balance made me happy
08/06/2015 – Finally got my letter of appointment to gainful employment!
09/06/2015 – Mentally planning a shopping trip is as taxing as the actual exercise.
10/06/2015 – Helped my male supervisors set up their skype accounts and seeing them make their first call was a sight to behold.
12/06/2015 – Shopping is as fun as being financially independent
14/06/2015 – Beautifully Fierce has 269 Likes
17/06/2015 – Three day trip to Nebbi was an incredible experience!
22/06/2015 – Picked up my iPhone
26/06/2015 – Every time I see him, I know without a doubt we would be married in another life
11/07/2015 – Lunch date with my girl Shar
14/07/2015 – That moment when you jokingly solicit a date from your crush and he accepts!
15/07/2015 – Conversations with Shree are always good catch up sessions
18/07/2015 – Paying it forward is one of the most rewarding feelings in life especially when you are in position to do so.
25/07/2015 – A surprise visit from aunt Djamilah is always welcome
27/07/2015 – The work website is finally up!
28/07/2015 – I love my job and the opportunities that come with it
8/08/2015 – When you realize some things are not meant to be and get rid off what connected and held you to them.
9/08/2015 – It is time for a cleansing of sorts. A beginning for fresh thoughts, new people and memories
15/08/2015 – Mayi’s introduction ceremony proved to be a fantastic day for catching up with the cousins.
16/08/2015 – I never turn away people who reach out to me unless in a bad mood.
21/08/2015 – Liking men in whatever way shouldn’t interfere with ones career goals.
23/08/2015 – Memories fade but they cannot fade as fast if we keep holding onto reminders of what used to be.
28/08/2015 – The ‘talk’ with my male Supervisor
30/08/2015 – When it comes to matters of the heart, only God knows.
31/08/2015 – Sad’s first anniversary.
05/09/2015 – A perfect lunch with my girl Shar and Indian cuisine as accompaniment. 
18/09/2015 – 5 am art grind! These are the moments I live for
19/09/2015 – Seeing Belle engaged brought tears to my eyes. She looked so gorgeous.
23/09/2015 – The past never has anything new to tell
25/09/2015 – I know where I want my life to go. I may not be there yet but I do know where it is heading.
30/09/2015 – Mariam Nan’s advice has never led me astray.
1/10/2015 – Created Shanah Off Duty for my art.
02/10/2015 – It feels great to have one of my best friends (Belle) back after her wedding!
12/10/2015 – Field trip to Kamuli. The source of the Nile is breathtaking to say the least.
16/10/2015 – Completed my first art piece for Shanah Off Duty in black and white.
18/10/2015 – Spending the day looking into the eyes of a beautiful little human. My baby’s baby is a pretty little thing
19/10/2015 – Shakira’s prayer for me touched my heart. Everyone needs a friend like this in their lives.
26/10/2015 – My savings are slowly coming together.
30/10/2015 – I need to make me happy for now. Forever.
31/10/2015 – Visit from my girl Emma.
- Another drawing added onto my collection.
04/11/2015 – Memorial prayers for the tenth anniversary of my grandfather’s death and five years of Simply Shanah.
05/11/2015 – The realization that I never want to be an after thought to someone God chooses for me.
15/11/2015 – You know you are done with someone when you tear the pages filled with their name out of your journal
- Baby Ihsaan’s birth. A little mini me for my brother!
19/11/2015 – There is nothing as fulfilling as giving back to children with disabilities
20/11/2015 – A day that went from bleak to promising in a moment
21/11/2015 – Last lunch of the year with bestie capped off with running into one of my favourite men
25/11/2015 – To know someone has a crush on you in one of your darkest moments is the best validation one can ever receive
08/12/2015 – Trip to Tororo. The urge to write is slowly returning to my thoughts
11/12/2015 – Alhamdulilah for the opportunities to work in unexpected but posh places and also do my work well
14/12/2015 – We live in a generation where you hardly know someone if you don’t know their favourite emoji

Social Butterfly

One of the things I neither expected nor anticipated this year was having a semi-active social life. Alas! I came out of hibernation and went with it.

Besides my work and art, it is the unexpected aspect that has brought me immense pleasure for it gave me the opportunity to meet a few good men. 

Over the weekend, I spent a few hours in the company of a man of a certain age. The kind that have the indefinable 'je ne sais quoi' about them but really it has to do with experience and how well they wear it. 

As I watched and listened to him talk; I kept thinking how we (girls) have the tendency to dwell and wallow in heartache and pain over past deeds, misdeeds and deeds undone that we invariably bolt doors- close ourselves off from socializing with good guys who come along during the healing period yet it shouldn't be so. We refuse to give these opportunities time and a chance out of self protection forgetting that the people we are suffering or suffered for never stopped practicing 'plate theory' and exploring all their options in our honor before and after the stopover in their lives.

Instead of bolting the door shut over Dick who was so full of himself he could self combust, keep it a jar at least to Harry, John or Jim who might come along and help you get over Dick.

Take the necessary time you need to heal but do not close the door entirely especially on someone you happen to make a connection with because at the end of the day, the decision to take a chance or not is yours - depending on how serious the other person is.

I think this is the reason as to why I have been on the receiving end of so many 'you have changed' remarks. It was inexplicable at the start but I'm beginning to get it. I'm glad something good came out of being a social butterfly because it took a lot of effort on my part. The best part of it all is having my social calendar come to close on such a good note. 

Alhamdulilah. 

Where I Need To Be.

"When your heart speaks, take good notes." -  Judith Campbell

There is a way God does his things that leaves one in awe. At a point in my life where I was so fed up with my previous place of employment; I was handed a ray of hope amidst all the changes and everything I found so hard to deal with. God handed me a ray of hope. It was so unexpected that I tweeted about it for it was something I had long forgotten. I felt like throwing in the towel right there and then but as mothers go with their opinions, I didn’t. What I knew back then is; I wanted to be somewhere where I was happy and this ray of hope provided it. Suffice it to say; I am happy at the moment. Very happy.
I went back to where this gainful employment started: volunteering. I love it. It has brought me more experience that putting it into words would be an injustice. Some things need to be seen and been through personally to understand and this is one of them. I feel that this time in my life is exactly what I need. To be at peace and on a slower pace. The opportunity to figure out where this journey is leading to at the end of it all. But I’ll let God figure it out while I work on other areas in my life.
There is no better feeling than a peace of mind especially for a creative soul. My creative juices are flowing ever so gently which I love. Being given this opportunity to not only develop but nurture a talent is more than I could have asked for. Working Monday-Saturday 8:30-6:30 used to take not only the stuffing out of me but the creative juices as well. I barely had time to update this blog and work on my creativity too. Now; I have time maybe not for everything but it is enough.
The best part of it all is the opportunity to learn how things are done in a field I would like to be in. There is so much room for growth and development than anywhere else and the perks are infinite. And the people over my current place of employment drive HARD cars! If one is car shopping, there is the place to be. I hope to be a HARD car owner in years to come. God willing.
Let nobody ever lie to you. HAPPINESS is the TRUTH no matter the situation and areas in life. If you have to work hard at being happy then it is definitely not the right place, time and person.

When One Door Closes A Window Opens.

Two weeks ago, I kept saying 'I don't want to work here anymore' to myself at any given opportunity and voila! I won't be come March. I am resilient. I have learned to be so cause of everything I have been through but at the back of my mind I knew my resilience and strong will wouldn't see me through when it came down to the crunch. I knew that later, I would have to throw in the towel but I am glad I didn't have to. Gainful employment and the lack there of now is so new to me that I do not even know how to feel. I expected a sense of loss and being adrift but it couldn't be further from how I truly feel. Yes, there is a mild sense of loss but the relief is humongous. February was one of my unhappiest months over there. Interspersed with intermittent bouts of tears over working with a self proclaimed Pastor who had the morals of a snake under the sheep clothing he shrouded his black soul in. Whoever told people the combo of a Muslim girl and a self proclaimed Pastor would work harmoniously? All in all; I am glad for the experience. It solidified the girl I know I am and much as it was fraught with so many trials, I met some good boys over there. I kept and still do keep a lot of people at bay but those who dared to crack this tough exterior, shall not be forgotten. best of all I look forward to work free Saturdays! :-)
May it all go well. Ameen.

photocredits: google

A Look Back On My 2014.

Not so long ago on an evening out with my brothers, I had a moment of reflection upon everything that happened in the course of 2014. This took me to the years where my girl Shar and I would promise each other on new years eve- the new year was our year. We did this for a couple of years until we both realized ‘our’ year was yet to come.
I smiled to myself as it occurred to me that 2014 was the year we were both waiting for; the one God had ordained. So much has happened in this year than in all the previous years we used to hang our hopes on. A dream I had stopped dreaming finally came true. I am gainfully employed and so is my girl. Knowing that we are going through this at the same point in our lives means everything to me. To be able to share experiences and hurts with each other as we navigate this new journey is more than one could ask for.
The road to financial independence is quite challenging for both of us. However, I am glad to be back on a scheduled and focused point in life. There is a lot of comfort in knowing where you must be at a particular time and what you should do than trying to figure out how to spend the day and make the time fruitful.
Also, artistic inspiration has been on a high this year than any other. I draw on and off every year which is nothing new but trying my hand at creating jewellery and carrying it off is something I never saw coming. Nurturing the talent has been quite the ride. The ideas are endless yet the time is rarely there. I wouldn’t change it for anything. Being a jewellery designer is one of my biggest dreams. It is what I want to be in the years to come. God willing. And taking these baby steps in the right direction are everything.
Best of all this year; is having my brother around. Sad’s being here has made the work experience a little bit easier. There are times when I don’t think he understands me at all yet he does. Having him around at this moment in time is more than I could have ever imagined because at the end of the day; he is my confidant, my sense of humor and most of all my brother.I shall miss him immensely when the time for him to leave dawns. I pray for nothing but the best for him.
Enough of the mushiness. LOL. I couldn’t be more grateful for everything that’s been 2014. The friends I have made both old and new, the experiences, gift of life to see most of it come true and the new dreams.
Happy New Year people. May all your wishes and dreams come true in the coming year.

My 2014 Highlights – A continuation.

From L-R: Eid, manning front office, workshop lunch, lunch with Joy and Birthday Surprise

31/05/2014 – Surprise birthday celebration at home with two of my best friends, Clare & Malcolm. I looked like a hot mess while they were all spiffy. 
04/06/2014 – God will surely punish me for the lies I tell about being married to guys I don’t want to encourage.
- Meeting Mark put a whole different spin on disability awareness.
05/06/2014 – Helped a blind man edit his work. I’m glad we had a chat about what I’d really love to do and where my interests lay.
11/06/2014 – Sad’s birthday.
- Movie plans involving boys never materialise. I should stop making them.
- 30 day blogging challenge, can I hack such an undertaking?
15/06/2014 – Spending time with the keeper of my secrets. I love her.
16/06/2014 – I hate to see her sad; I hope she mends fences with her mum and not let the boy rule her life.
21/06/2014 – One of those days where I wish other people’s good fortune would rub off on me. It is hard being your own hero when you hardly know where to start.
08/07/2014 – 135 views on Simply Shanah.
14/07/2014 – The prospect of seeing an old friend and catching up.
- That sense of accomplishment you feel after finishing the set tasks of the day.
15/07/2014 – Finally finished my braided necklace and thanked God for my creative skills.
16/07/2014 – The compliments on the necklace are overwhelming and heart warming.
24/07/2014 – Unexpected opportunity at work. May it happen as God intended.
- Visit from my girl Belle.
28/07/2014 – Eid. Having one of my oldest friends spend it with me makes it more special.
29/07/2014 – 6 AM inspiration. Another design to add onto my ‘heart’ series.
- An SMS in lieu of the dreaded phone call. Pending interview.
30/07/2014 – Job interview! I’m glad it went better than expected.
- 22OOHRS inspiration visit and going with it.
31/07/2014 – Lunch with OR. It had been long overdue.
03/08/2014 – I feel like I am on the cusp of a yet-to-be written chapter in my life.
06/08/2014 – Utterly frustrating day but a bad beginning made for a good ending.
- My mum and Sad’s excitement on my behalf. It is all so hard to take in.
08/08/2014 – Another design to add onto my ‘heart’ series.
15/08/2014 – Seeing my aunt Asia made me miss seeing her and my ride or die girl on the regular.
17/08/2014 – Check up from the one who started this work journey in my life and his kind wishes made me so happy. I hope it all goes well.
22/08/2014 – Treated myself to a solitary meal at an eatery. I missed these moments of eating by myself in a fancy place.
29/08/2014 – Volunteer workshop at Africana and the meal that followed. A good way to end my volunteer experience.
30/08/2014 – Thoughts of the coming chapter in my life. Absolutely scared and excited at the same time.
01/09/2014 – First day of the rest of my work life. Several things not to like but the work is alright.
02/09/2014 – Chat with my bestfriend from Primary School changed my perspective about work and its challenges.
12/09/2014 – The fact that my crappy handwriting and signature now appear on a few official documents.
15/09/2014 – Got my first work I.D.
17/09/2014 – Gentlemen still exist.
22/09/2014 – If you don’t teach people how to treat you right, they never will.
24/09/2014 – The keeper of my secrets is having a baby!
01/10/2014 – Birthday of the Keeper of my secrets. I think of her as my baby yet here she is having a baby of her own on the way.
- Completed my first month of gainful employment.
21/11/2014 – Celebrating employment with the boys.
23/11/2014 – Artistic inspiration struck yet I’d been in search of writing inspiration.
03/12/2014 – When you’re down in the doldrums, the last thing you need is abuse from a page you go to to chill.
04/12/2014 – So moody lately.
05/12/2014 – Coincidental meeting with a Facebook page mate.
06/12/2014 – Lunch plans with Baby J fell through and I came off looking like an ill-mannered brat because of my mood swings.
07/12/2014 – The knowledge that there is such a thing as Plate Theory.
11/12/2014 – Mariam Nan has been of great help lately yet we have never met. She’s like my sounding board when I need an impartial voice of reason.
12/12/2014 – Waking up to potentially good news and the promise of it coming true. I couldn’t be more happier for Sad.
14/12/2014 – Plumbing with my daddy although I just held the tools and gave orders like a general while he worked.
- Discovered a reader of Simply Shanah. Funny how people come into your life.
15/12/2014 – Contemplating the purchase of Art supplies for my office.
- Celebration with the boys over Sad’s good news.
 16/12/2014 – I succumbed and bought Art supplies for my office. The creative release marginally improved my mood and the piece looks beautiful.
- Catch up session with my friend Captain Jack Sparrow.
18/12/2014 – My mum saying I look thinner due to work.
19/12/2014 – Being provided the opportunity to get to know someone you have been keeping on the peripheral of your brain.
- Counting days to break off time from work.
20/12/2014 – Last day of work until the 5th of January.
21/12/2014 – Finished a design to one of my Works-In-Progress drawings.
- Taking an afternoon nap after several months of work. I had forgotten how taking and waking up from one actually felt like.
26/12/2014 -  Art grind in the wee hours of the night.
27/12/2014 - Created a tribal necklace in a day! Woot!
-Alhamdulilah for creative inspiration.
29/12/2014 - Jewellery editing is hell on my nails but the outcome is always superb.
- I miss my nose piercing a lot, lately. I should man up and see to it because it's been 3 years without it.
30/12/2014 - Getting my hair done. Wonderful way to prepare for the new year. If you look good, you feel good no matter what!

There was so much to be grateful for in 2014 because it has been very good to me. I hope it marks the beginning of many more wonderful opportunities. And that everything happens as it was meant to. Ameen.