Search My Feelings...

Do you ever sit and scrutinise your feelings? Feelings that wash over you when you least expect it? 

Last night, in a dream, it occurred to me that this guy I have been texting with for the longest time ever, he and I shall not materialise into anything. When this came to me, I thought I’d hurt incredibly but I’ve spent the day searching myself, my thoughts, my feelings over the entire situation and I’m OK. 

We cannot force people into being what they cannot be for us. This is something I’ve come to learn. I guess I should cry over the empty promises, the awakened feelings that invariably end in disappointment and deflation. In years I least expect someone to turn my head, make me believe in the impossible and leave me either in limbo or hanging. I should cry for letting myself dream about stuff I really have no business dreaming about but not yet. There are no tears yet. Perhaps they will come at a later date. 

For now, I feel apathetic. What this person does, who he does it with is entirely up to him. All I know is I’m done. I’m tired of holding onto hope over an impossibility. I’m also tired of pandering to people’s emotions and feelings. 

I wish I could give up on this. On trying to find a partner. But, I feel that I’ve given up on a lot more that  I wanted in this life that to give up on this would be the ultimate let down. Dying alone is something I don’t want for myself and it’s what drives me to give it a go when someone catches my fancy. I try once opportunity arises but it seems it’s never enough. 

I am not hurt that you’ll never grace me with your physical presence, that you really have no desire to see me or see you live up to your promises, no. I’m hurt that you make me want to cease all attempts to find a partner and acquaint myself with the thought of being self-partnered for life, again!

His Hometown

Me trying out the local drink Kashera

I passed through his home town today.
I mentally kept checking out and off the landmarks I recalled him excitedly telling me about.
I listened with one ear as he went on and on about the prominent figures that belong to his hometown.
The delight he expressed in their ability to light it up during Christmas season and how much he loved it.
I was much more interested in seeing his eyes light up as he described the area.
The little smile that crossed his face at the rush of good memories.
Never did I imagine I would one day be in his part of the world.
Not only be in it but unable to tell him about it.
As I looked out for the places he mentioned,
I went back to that day; relived the memory and his excitement then snuffed out the onslaught of memories.
The sheer irony couldn't escape my nostalgia.
I was in the hometown of somebody I used to know. And I couldn't tell him about it.
Even if I wanted to.
The driver urged me to get in touch with him; tell him my experiences and how I love the lushness of the green here.
I couldn't.
I do not want to.
I no longer wish to be apart of the circus.
What people fail to understand is; the circus stops being entertaining at some point. One can only attend a few uncertain but adrenaline pumping shows before the amusement wears off.
As much as I am tempted, I am no longer interested.
I have outgrown a one man circus act.

Looking For ME!

There are situations or rather experiences we go through that are sometimes indescribable.  Situations where there are no words befitting of a description on what is being felt at that  moment. You find yourself going on with your life and the memories the experience left you with.
I have come to realise that just like everything else in life, words also come to you at  a time they are meant to and they couldn't be any less honest and befitting of past experiences.
These are my words to sum up a situation and an experience that thankfully no longer brings that hitch of regret.

At first I was looking for you,

Then I realised the reality of you,

Is much more different from my dreams. 

Now,

I am looking for ME. 

 

It Hurts Too Much Not To Forget

Why is it hard to get over hurtful words?
Words you never thought you would hear?
Acts you never thought you would see?

Why does the mind keep going over every little thing?
Eternally analysing intent and purpose?
Forever picking apart the situation like hungry vultures on a carcass?

Why can't we forget as easily as the way we change clothes?
Why do feelings of betrayal, anguish and impotence linger?
And make us walk around with the heavy burden of sorrow in our hearts?

It hurts too much not to forget,
And yet, too heavy a burden to carry around.