Search My Feelings...

Do you ever sit and scrutinise your feelings? Feelings that wash over you when you least expect it? 

Last night, in a dream, it occurred to me that this guy I have been texting with for the longest time ever, he and I shall not materialise into anything. When this came to me, I thought I’d hurt incredibly but I’ve spent the day searching myself, my thoughts, my feelings over the entire situation and I’m OK. 

We cannot force people into being what they cannot be for us. This is something I’ve come to learn. I guess I should cry over the empty promises, the awakened feelings that invariably end in disappointment and deflation. In years I least expect someone to turn my head, make me believe in the impossible and leave me either in limbo or hanging. I should cry for letting myself dream about stuff I really have no business dreaming about but not yet. There are no tears yet. Perhaps they will come at a later date. 

For now, I feel apathetic. What this person does, who he does it with is entirely up to him. All I know is I’m done. I’m tired of holding onto hope over an impossibility. I’m also tired of pandering to people’s emotions and feelings. 

I wish I could give up on this. On trying to find a partner. But, I feel that I’ve given up on a lot more that  I wanted in this life that to give up on this would be the ultimate let down. Dying alone is something I don’t want for myself and it’s what drives me to give it a go when someone catches my fancy. I try once opportunity arises but it seems it’s never enough. 

I am not hurt that you’ll never grace me with your physical presence, that you really have no desire to see me or see you live up to your promises, no. I’m hurt that you make me want to cease all attempts to find a partner and acquaint myself with the thought of being self-partnered for life, again!

Hang Up On A MAY BE!

 “You can’t be any more available to a person that doesn’t want to be available to you.”- Shanah

I am no expert on relationships because the longest I’ve been in one is fit enough to pass as a 7 - day trial in app purchases world. The period where you consider whether it’s good enough for you to spend your money on it or not worth the expenditure. That’s my love life. 

Over the eyes I’ve been in the longest textship known to woman with one person. This textship has gone through a lot, least of which is the 2 years period of silence because we weren’t on speaking terms. But, as it is wont to do, it picks up where it left off regardless of the hiccups. 

It should be OK. But it’s not. At this period in my life I’m wondering if this is going anywhere at all given that the length of it shows that it’s not. This is someone I have known for over five years and seen socially three times in this period of knowing each other. He says really nice things that make me want to believe never calls or even so much as asked for a date. 

Current circumstances notwithstanding, I feel that a lot more effort than endless empty promises filled with fully furnished sand castles in the air should be made. A tea date? 

The possibility that this is not going anywhere except in text is glaring at me in the face but I’m caught between calling it quits because I’m being impatient or waiting it out because it just might flourish into something beautiful. I do not know. All I know is I  could be hang up on a “maybe” that might never blossom into an actual thing.