Hang Up On A MAY BE!

 “You can’t be any more available to a person that doesn’t want to be available to you.”- Shanah

I am no expert on relationships because the longest I’ve been in one is fit enough to pass as a 7 - day trial in app purchases world. The period where you consider whether it’s good enough for you to spend your money on it or not worth the expenditure. That’s my love life. 

Over the eyes I’ve been in the longest textship known to woman with one person. This textship has gone through a lot, least of which is the 2 years period of silence because we weren’t on speaking terms. But, as it is wont to do, it picks up where it left off regardless of the hiccups. 

It should be OK. But it’s not. At this period in my life I’m wondering if this is going anywhere at all given that the length of it shows that it’s not. This is someone I have known for over five years and seen socially three times in this period of knowing each other. He says really nice things that make me want to believe never calls or even so much as asked for a date. 

Current circumstances notwithstanding, I feel that a lot more effort than endless empty promises filled with fully furnished sand castles in the air should be made. A tea date? 

The possibility that this is not going anywhere except in text is glaring at me in the face but I’m caught between calling it quits because I’m being impatient or waiting it out because it just might flourish into something beautiful. I do not know. All I know is I  could be hang up on a “maybe” that might never blossom into an actual thing.

He Called Her At Midnight

"She looks so sad."

"That is one beautiful drawing, what inspired it?"

"Weren't you afraid to show such naked emotion in a design?"

These were some of the comments and questions raised by her visitors. The ones she deigned to let across the front door for she was a private person and valued her solitude. Her hand shook slightly as her index finger traced the lines of a heart-shaped face, big eyes full of incomprehensible sorrow and pink lips pursed in disdain. Save for the pink lips; black encompassed the piece and put forth the emotions that could never be hidden even after the passage of time. 

Looking at her, so dark and laden with emotions; the events leading to her  existence unfolded before her eyes. It took a great deal of effort to bring herself back from the abyss the breakup with Max had thrown her into. There had been days when her despair was too potent for her to get through, days where she turned up to work in full black because that was the only way she could explain her mood and dressing required a lot more effort than she had. Days where she would take constant bathroom breaks at work just to shed the tears in her heart. When the pain was too intense and breathing had become a chore. 

Time was indeed the healer of all wounds. To be able to look back on all that pain and feel a slight niggle of disappointment in the people they failed to be for each other attested to her emotional state. She was even crazier for entertaining the thought of seeing him again. 

“Had he changed? Would he notice the woman she had become? Had their time apart been as hard for him as it had for her at the beginning?” All these questions rotated in her mind like a spinning wheel and almost made it impossible for her to return to the task at hand. One thing was certain, Max was hurting and needed her. That is all that mattered, for now. 

Alexandra gave the piece one last glance and put it back on the mantle. Looking at her work from this vantage point gave her a level of satisfaction she could never get enough of. Art has always been there for her; even in her darkest days, she could rely on it to bring her back from the depths of despair. 

Dawn was soon breaking and she needed to put the finishing touches to the draft she was currently working on for a close friend. He had commissioned a piece from her on a whim so she wanted to knock his socks off with her artistic interpretation of his name. A smile crossed her face as she thought of him. 

Liam. He had came into her life when she least wanted to form lasting ties with anyone let alone a man yet couldn’t turn down his offer of friendship.

Your Face On Mine

No.
I don't know how to kiss.
But, I do know,
I want to feel your face on mine.
To look into your deep-set eyes,
Until all I see is my reflection.
Rub the tip of my nose with yours,
And prolong the anticipation.
To feel you draw breath,
As you prepare to drink in my taste.
Watch my hands,
As they wind themselves around your neck.
Pulling you closer,
Into our embrace.
While we slowly kindle,
The fire that sizzles between us.

No.
I don't know how to kiss.
But, I do know,
I want to feel your face on mine.

xShanahx

Shattered Heart

Her head held high,
She stands tall and proud,
Making solemn promises,
Never to see the one who stole her heart.

Beneath the facade,
Pieces of her broken heart are trying to break the wall that's keeping the pressure in.

If only she could be alone for a minute,
Free the jagged pieces of her shattered heart.

But she has to hold onto the facade a moment longer.
Which she will!
If her will doesn't break under the pressure,
Let her down like her heart did.


Shanah

He Called Her At Midnight

He called her at midnight. She was so startled by the sound of her ringtone she could barely think beyond seeing his name flash across her phone screen. In that moment; she tried to recall the last time she'd talked to him and realized she could no longer place the sound of his voice. No matter how she tried, the voice she'd loved so much had faded from memory. With a furstrated sigh, she gave up and concentrated on the call.
Why was he calling now? Why today of all days?
It was almost five years to the day they said their final goodbye. The day she had looked into his vacant eyes and whispered 'goodbye' to him. Burying the love they shared along with it. That day was quite unforgetable that thinking about it now brought a slight chill to her arms. The air had been so frigid she had felt the chill down to her bones. Like God was freezing every fibre of her love for him in time, in a place she could no longer visit because of the memories.
Over the years; the chill had thawed to be replaced by a warmth she was beginning to revel in. Until his name flashed across her phone screen. She knew she couldn't let it ring intermittently, because when the love of your life calls, the call never goes unanswered. Alexandra took two deep breaths to still her racing thoughts and picked up the phone. "Hello? Alexandra, are you there?"
Every little scenario Alexandra had conjured up in the past five years couldnot prepare her for this moment. She had dreaded it ever since their goodbye. And now; it was finally upon her. The moment she would say 'hello' to him again. All the little scenarios and mental peptalks disappeared like ash beneath a strong wind, as memories of their time together chased each other across her mind, in preparation for the words that would let him back into her life.
"Hello."

Fragile Love

Even in love
She remains shy as a butterfly
Afraid to leave its cocoon
And test fragile wings
In faith that
They are truly hers
And no one else's.


Shanah


Photocredits: google

Lost Love

Love of each others lives,
Back from the past,
On the brink of something new,
Something wonderful,
Would it be the same?
Because time took its toll.
Led them to different paths,
Changed them from who they used to be,
Into people they hardly recognize.
Is it worth the chance?
To carry on from where they left of,
Love as adults,
For they have changed.
They are hardly who they used to be.
Have fought indescribable battles,
Battles that left them scarred,
Yet here they are,
On the brink of discovery,
Of finding out,
If what life took from them,
Is something they ever wanted,
A second chance to love,
To live out their love story,
And finally see where it might lead,
If indeed their story was meant to last,
Marked as their final one,
In the book of life.

- Shanah

I wrote this poem in 2015 and coming across it while going through my starred emails was such a pleasure. I think it was inspired by the telenovela, "What Life Took From Me". The first but not last poem I wrote inspired by a telenovela. This goes to show how addicted I am to those things.






Photo credit: googledotcom

The Way It Is

It's sad you no longer see the truth in my words without getting your back up.
You are the one person I have ever shared my truths with implicitly.
With each truth lately,
I am either pushing you away or explaining myself.
I do not want to explain myself.
It is either you believe or not.
Your actions and responses claim you do not and it is OK.
You may not be fine with the way things are but I am.
I am fine with the way it is.

Shanah

The Single Woman's Sassy Survival Guide - Quotes

There are times when I sit in contemplation over the running mood of Simply Shanah; to go with the prevalent theme or abandon it for something entirely lighter? Try as I may; I think I am miserably failing in that feat. I haven't writen something sensible in forever! The gratitude journal I am supposedly keeping remains empty. Not because there is nothing to be grateful for, no. My heart and mood, however lighter they may be, are not up to the habit. Anway, that's neither here nor there.
I am a fan of The Single Woman also known as Mandy Hale. I read her blog whenever I can and follow her on most social media platforms. As much as I love her blog posts, I wholeheartedly tried to stay away from her books. They fall in the 'Self-Help' category which I loathe to read as a book-worm.
However in a night where I was bored out of my mind with questions swirling over and over over the wisdom of my choices, I needed a little soul re-affirmation and conviction. I bit the bullet and downloaded her very first book 'The Single Woman's Sassy Survival Guide: Letting Go and Moving On'.
I read it in a couple of hours and it more or less re-inforced my stance on the decisions I have here-to made where matters of the heart are concerned. I noted a few quotes that resonated with me and thought to share.

Sometimes life offers us a second chance to get it right and sometimes life just offers us a second chance to say goodbye.

Friends and lovers and opportunities will come into our lives and, in some cases, shake us to our very core along the way...however, not all are meant to stay.

You can only let a person chase you for so long before you realize that maybe, just maybe, they never intended to catch you after all.

If you keep handing your heart to someone and they keep handing it back, or worse, breaking it - it's Okay to protect yourself by removing yourself from their life.

If someone keeps spitting game at you but bringing nothing but the same to you, it's Okay to forfeit and walk away.

If its not honoring you, it doesn't deserve a seat at your table.

If it doesn't feel right, it's not right-at least for you.

We exit a situation that feels wrong for reasons we can't quite put our fingers on, only to find out later that we were right all along.

Success is determined as much by the opportunities you are willing to release as the ones you seize.

When someone shows no interest in being with you, is consistently inconsistent, and their actions do not match up with their words - it's time to let go.

You were not put on this earth to stay chained to someone else's desk while your own dream sits on the shelf gathering dust.

The desires of your heart were not put there by accident. Follow them.

You have to want the life that is meant for you bad enough to surrender everything that's not.

Spring clean your life the same way you would your closet. Let go of the old and make room for the new.

New things can only grow where you give them room to bloom.

The reason people become bitter and disenchanted with life is because they cling to anger like a bad habit and never release it.

A busy, vibrant, goal-oriented woman is so much more attractive than a woman who waits around for a man to validate her.

A woman that is always available can quickly become synonymous with a woman that is desperate.

A woman who is not afraid to be unpredictable is a woman that will always, always keep his attention.

It is far better to live a life of uncertain happiness than of certain misery.

It is in the letting go that we become who we are meant to be.

I loved the book. So much so that I completed it in a few hours. It had a nice flow to it and was exceptionally enlightening on the friendship and work aspects.

Silence

I am still trying to find ME; the person I was in the ashes of heartache and sadness. One thing people neither know nor realize is that they should never ever attempt to give hope to a person who permanently looks at the glass as half empty. It is nothing short of cruel.

It is that acknowledgement on how things truly are that brought these words to mind a couple of weeks ago,  where,  not only did I not feel any sense of loss but the little baggage that has been weighing on my heart for a few months now is no longer heavy. Silence is truly golden and I hope it remains so.

I am on the right path on this journey of finding my inner self this year and I am looking forward to being the person I know I am as the year progresses. 

An Illusion Of The Thing... Love!

I drew the above picture after a day of celebrating love between my cousin and her life partner of choice.

When I drew it, it was thoughtless and unintentional because it resides on the pages of my journal and ever since drawing it: I've never taken the time to question why? Did I draw it because I want to be in love? Is it a euphoric residue after seeing people celebrate love or am I just taken up by the concept of finding love than actually being in love?

I don't know. 

All these questions took my mind back to a month or so where one of my best friends said I was falling in love (with one of the hardest persons I've had the misfortune to fancy) and it woke me up! Her thoughts made me take a hard look at the situation, the person and it made me realize that if I was falling in love, I didn't want to fall freely, stupidly and settle for crumbs. No.

'Before you fall, take a hard look at where you're falling then you will know how to fall.' That quote went through my head as I mentally laid everything on the table. I knew without a doubt I am too good to settle for a person who treats me like an after thought, an ego-stroker, someone who makes me feel like I am trying to scale down the Great Wall of China with a fork in every conversation. To sum it up like a dog chasing after the elusive bone.

I've hurt more these past months than I've ever hurt for somebody, fallen into a depression I last suffered two years ago for something or someone that is really just an illusion of the thing - a concept.

Recently, I came across someone who thought that my being single is for lack of opportunity. How I laughed! For a girl to be single is not lack of opportunity, it is knowing what she wants and the decision to not settle for what's on offer especially if it doesn't give her room for growth. We may not have a say in who we fall for but we do have a say in who and what we finally settle for. That choice is up to us at the end of the day.

Whether concept, illusion or the real thing, I do know without a doubt that the next time I decide to fall for someone; it best be on my terms. Yes! I'd like to wake up to and be on the receiving end of 'good morning', 'how is your day', good night' texts that I will reply to six hours later if I feel like it and phone calls I wouldn't deign to pick nor respond to because I am busy! Busy seeing you blow up my phone while my heart is doing a jig for having an unsolicited ego-stroker who I can get back to when it suits me. That includes a fortnight. Thank you. 

On a serious note though; I may not know what I want or what being in love is like or if I am ready for it... Whatever. What I do know is I'd like it to be an easy fall. A mutual meeting of two lonely souls that appreciate one another enough to share the experience and wonderment of it all. The euphoria, nostalgia and melancholy as well as the little pinches that come with having divergent views and opinions. As long as we both know and look at each other with love at the end of a hard day. With gazes that will remind us of why we fell, settled and loved one another in the beginning.

Like I scribbled on the drawing: it ain't gotta be perfect as long as it is real and   mutual.

Love Cycle

A month ago, I had a lengthy chat with one of male supervisors after he expressed concern over my love cycle and the lack thereof an active social life. The chat was discomforting to put it mildly but after I got over the cringe factor, I gave him my full attention and took the opportunity to ask a few pertinent questions from a well seasoned man.

"When the opportunity comes, take it. Give it a try."

In the midst of him relaying love related stories of his friends and giving me tips along the way: I reflected upon my love cycle and how far it had come despite all attempts failing to reach butterfly stage. I have given more of me this year than all previous years combined. 

At the beginning of the year, matters of the heart were no where on my list of resolutions. If anything it was the last thing I could conceive of in thought. But, God returned a blast from the past and made me re-think it. Unfortunately, his presence in my life this time round was briefer than the years we spent apart. Suffice it to say; the reasons as to why you never made it with someone in the past apply a second time.

"Have you ever seen a woman drive a relationship?"

When he asked this, I literally laughed out loud! He soundly hit the nail on the head and didn't even know it! I am a control freak! I like to see things go my way and if I can commandeer them, I will! If I can spend a few minutes giving my own father orders like a general: why not a guy of no relation? 

But, I relinquished my control freak tendencies this time round because the guys refused to dance to my tune and toe the line.

"The thing about you girls is: you think just because a relationship failed, the friendship shouldn't remain."

I think maintaining a friendship with someone you like or liked and rejected you is the cruelest thing you can ever do to yourself especially if you have nothing in common to go on. They serve as constant reminders of something that could never be. Those feelings are better invested elsewhere than in a dead end situation. Nevertheless, some people make for better friends and once the friendship is priceless and invaluable that is enough to forget about the little hiccup in friendship.

"What you need is a modern relationship. One without commitment."

Love in the contemporary world as he calls it. Anyway, with those words; I knew he was a man after my own heart. The one thing I am not looking for is commitment! I love my independence and truthfully, the constant presence of people in my space stifles me a lot and makes me resentful. The moody girl that I am cannot handle commitment because my mood is reason enough to get me chucked!

"There is no faithful man and there is no unfaithful man. Once you know the difference between those two you will have successful relationships."

I shall not pretend to lie and say that I understood that. No. However, I took it to mean there is no such thing as fidelity in this generation of ours. If you believe he is faithful or not it is really up to you. It is better to have both eyes wide open and see life for what it truly is.
 As of the moment; I feel my love cycle has been used, abused and mistreated hence needs to be buried for the rest of the year. I have used up my quota of emotional and time investments for this year because emotions I last felt 5 or so 6 years ago were wrought and my heart needs serious stitches. It is for that matter that I am officially taking a break. Try me next year around September. 

Image credit: google

Acquaintances

The days you cross my mind make me

wish we were the kind of friends who told each other anything and everything.

The kind that would laugh at shared inner jokes, 

Revel in shared silences as we savored the memories and experiences that bound us.

But we are nothing more than strangers with shared thoughts 

And  a minute to weave the bond of acquaintances.

Shanah

Looking For ME!

There are situations or rather experiences we go through that are sometimes indescribable.  Situations where there are no words befitting of a description on what is being felt at that  moment. You find yourself going on with your life and the memories the experience left you with.
I have come to realise that just like everything else in life, words also come to you at  a time they are meant to and they couldn't be any less honest and befitting of past experiences.
These are my words to sum up a situation and an experience that thankfully no longer brings that hitch of regret.

At first I was looking for you,

Then I realised the reality of you,

Is much more different from my dreams. 

Now,

I am looking for ME. 

 

We Don't Always Get What We Wish For... 08/11/2014

I wish he'd let me forget him.

I wish I'd had 6months to a year to get over him and the feelings he arouses in me.

I wish he'd never reached out at a point where his name was becoming a distant memory.

I wish I never felt this way about him knowing it cannot be.

I wish I didn't have to deal with the thought of 'us' again when I'd just buried it.

I wish my heart didn't ache with thoughts of him.

I wish I had the strength to cut him out of my life once and for all.

And most of all; I wish he wasn't who is.

It'd make the loss of him much easier.

But we don't always get what we wish for.

 Xx Shanah.

I have this habit of making little notes on my phone 50% of the time because it is always at hand and this is one of them. The downside of writing on the phone is the lack of time to make necessary transfers. I get to it a little later than I should. The notes are either deleted or sequestered away on email but often deleted during general clean up sessions at the end of the year when the feelings/mood that inspired them is nonexistent.

Quotes

• 
  
• Love sought is good, but given unsought is better. – William Shakespeare
• Whoever you fall in love with has to love you back, or the ending just sucks. – Nora Roberts
• What we wear affects how we feel, how we act, how we move. – Nora Roberts
• You’re excuses are so lame they are limping. - Nora Roberts
• Beauty from order springs. – William King
• You don’t smile because you are happy. You’re happy because you smile. – Iris
• Sometimes, the questions are complicated but the answers are very simple. – Dr. Zeus
• Confidence was like lip gloss – all you had to do was put it on. – Nora Roberts
• Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans. – Dallas
• Vengeance won’t heal a broken heart. – Dallas
• Rules are the thread that knits the fabric. – Nora Roberts
• Love is never wrong. Whether it’s for the moment, or it’s forever. – Nora Roberts
• You might like a man enough to go to bed with him, but you might not want to play with him.- Nora Roberts
• No friend poaches another friend’s man, even if she’s kicked him to the curb. – Nora Roberts
• Sex is better when you’re eating healthy. – Nora Roberts
• Men are like shoes. You’re supposed to try them on, wear them awhile – as long as they look good on you. Then toss them in the closet and shop for more. And every now and then, you pluck something out of the closet, try them on again and see how they look. The one thing you don’t do is let somebody else go rooting around in your closet. – Nora Roberts
• People and relationships never stop being a work in progress. – Nora Roberts
• It takes a lot of spine and stomach to make yourself into something when no one gives you a foundation. – Nora Roberts
• Love’s scary, and sometimes transient. But it’s worth the risks and the nerves. It’s even worth the pain. – Nora Roberts
• Seduce my mind and you can have my body, find my soul and I’m yours forever. – Anonymous
• Painting is a metaphor for control. – Klaus (TVD)
• Every woman is supposed to have one major culinary accomplishment to her credit – something she can show off whenever the occasion call for it. – Judith McKnaught (Paradise)
• Every man has a limit to what he is willing to take. – Paradise
• Every artist has a story. – Klaus (TVD)

P.S. There is a lot from Nora Roberts because I have been reading a 4 part series (The Bride Quartet) in her so many collections. I would recommend it to everyone that enjoys a good romance. Yes, fluff reading for now because I want to make my heart happy at the moment and romance is food for the soul - even if it is someone else’s.

High School Love Letter- The Reply.

** ROLL DOWN TOU YOU ** KISS BEFORE YOU READ
** " P D N F"--- please do no fold
My Love, My Sugar, i was exasperated with pride to have received one from you, the lungs in my body flapped with joy when i have been reading your letter. Anyway by now you have reached the realisations to why i am jotting this small letter to you, yes it is to see if you are keeping with the sands of time.
How is everything on that other side of yours? Well here everything is just half lemon half sugar to makeit schweppes. How is your schooling? How are you pulling the wagons of life? I am just pulling the schooling thing like a donkey pulling a cart.
My honie, i am missing you very much right now, my heart is perambulating with every word that i write, if it was not for these oceans that decided to flow between us then i would get on the next bus to come and see you, but until then i know that i will not hesitate to put this blue blood on this paper and write to you. I remember that day lovie, that one sweet day as Maria Curry sanged it, you know that it is my favorites song honie, the one day that we were boarding the combies and you escorted me to my home, walking with you just brought sweet dreams to me for the rest of my life honie.
If words of love could ride a bicycle I would be competing against Diego Maradona.Anyways, i will not stop you from reading the books that give you life and education so I will stop here for today.
Please always writing to me because I am missing you like sugar misses tea. You can see my foto below
My dedications to you are :
Maria Curry - One Sweet Day.
Boys to Main - And of the Rod
Keep well my mop of my heart, Yours in flesh and in blood, Ruise Sugar Baby
P.S. Sorry about my english, I did not learn anymore

High School Love Letter.

It has been awhile since I blogged. Blame it on laziness and lack of internet access. I knew what I wanted to post in the spirit of Valentine’s Day, seeing as that is past, I’ll post it anyway.
First things first; how was your V-day? Anything special happened? Mine was the same because I am a lonely heart. I had a few chocolates from friends and my brother sent me a rose via BBM. It was nice of him to do that.
Remember those days when we had got into the use of email and the internet? When we used to forward every chain mail we got? Well, I got this from a friend of mine. Actually found it when I was cleaning out my mailbox. I shared it a long time ago on my Facebook and we had a laugh over it with my friends. The comments were hilarious.
I knew I had to share it again once I saw it in my mailbox but on a different platform.
Ps: The typos, writing, Grammar etc are all from the creator/author of this letter. I didn’t change anything because it’d take away the funny from the letter.


Hand post
** ROLL DOWN TOU YOU ** KISS BEFORE YOU READ
** " P D N F"--- please do no fold
Roll down to you sweetiepie Babe!
Time and ability plus double capacity has forced my pen to dance automatically on this
benedicted sheet of paper. Why! this miraculous thing happened is because papie I love
you spontaneously and as I stand horizontal to the wall and perpendicular to the ground
I only think of you, since you are a fantastic and fabulous guy. papie please stop haranguing with the feelings in my heart because I love you more than a snake loves rat. To me each day starts by thinking of you and ends by dreaming of you. Each time I see you my metabolism suddenly stops and my
peristalysis goes in reverse gear. My medular-oblandata also stop functioning.
Crazy crazy crazy you may say but this is true. If only you knew what is going on in
my encephalon you would understand. That's why I need to see you face to face with you, soon. I think I have to pen-off hear because I still haven't finished studying electrolysis and polymerization. Catch
you pa- later. Sleep tight and don't let those bed bugs ever bite you coz you are too sweet a the! ing for them.
Yourz Ever,
Sugar tapi tapi

The One That Got Away.

I am a huge fan of Katy Perry, her last album ‘Teenage Dream’ was one of my favourite albums from her. I feel like she wrote most of the songs off that album with me in mind and probably her too cause she showed  a lot of passion and love for what she does on this album. She is a fabulous songwriter.

Last year was such a successful year for her and it saddens me cause she ended it on a bad note- she split with her husband Russell Brand. I sometimes wonder why celebrities bother to get married when they are going to divorce each other in a few months. Better to live in sin than regret a year or months of of your life making a mockery out of the sanctity of marriage and the vows that come with. There is really nothing wrong with having a long engagement, is there?!

To get back to the point, I love her song, ‘The One that got away’ at the moment. We all have that one person who you think was/is right for you, the one you would have done anything for just to be together…. It is one of those songs you listen to and end up taking an unwanted walk down memory lane sifting through memories you thought were long forgotten.

The video…can’t get enough of it, I always watch it in entirety when it comes on telly. I hope you like it as much as I do. xoxo