Hang Up On A MAY BE!

 “You can’t be any more available to a person that doesn’t want to be available to you.”- Shanah

I am no expert on relationships because the longest I’ve been in one is fit enough to pass as a 7 - day trial in app purchases world. The period where you consider whether it’s good enough for you to spend your money on it or not worth the expenditure. That’s my love life. 

Over the eyes I’ve been in the longest textship known to woman with one person. This textship has gone through a lot, least of which is the 2 years period of silence because we weren’t on speaking terms. But, as it is wont to do, it picks up where it left off regardless of the hiccups. 

It should be OK. But it’s not. At this period in my life I’m wondering if this is going anywhere at all given that the length of it shows that it’s not. This is someone I have known for over five years and seen socially three times in this period of knowing each other. He says really nice things that make me want to believe never calls or even so much as asked for a date. 

Current circumstances notwithstanding, I feel that a lot more effort than endless empty promises filled with fully furnished sand castles in the air should be made. A tea date? 

The possibility that this is not going anywhere except in text is glaring at me in the face but I’m caught between calling it quits because I’m being impatient or waiting it out because it just might flourish into something beautiful. I do not know. All I know is I  could be hang up on a “maybe” that might never blossom into an actual thing.

Dear Love...

Dear Love,

You will have to forgive me for writing you this letter but I feel that it is long over due. I have waited patiently for your arrival for so long that sometimes I forget that I am actually waiting. I am slowly starting to accept the fact that I just may be that one person in the family that may never discover the beauty within you.

The times that I think deeply about you make me question your existence. Are you there for me? Are you not a figment of my imagination? Are you not an illusion I entertain courtesy of the Romance novels I have poured over the years to make my soul happy? To nurture my wanning faith in your actual existence?

There are a handful of instances where I felt that you were so close that not only could I believe in your true existence but could languish in the feelings that the thought of you evoked. In these instances; I have experienced nothing but snatched hope and dreams.

Rejection, disappointment and ghosting at your expense have brought me unimaginable pain. Pain I did not think I would ever experience time and time again coupled with my other lot in life. Physical pain heals but emotional pain, there is no permanent relief for that except time, endurance and acceptance.

If there is anything this life has shown me; it is that to accept to hurt interminably for an unknown period of time takes sheer will power many do not have and neither do I. I almost came close to throwing in the towel this time last year because it was heartwrenchingly tough for me to withstand being emotionally and physically broken at the same time.

Would you believe it if I told you that I have rivulets of tears streaming down my face while penning you this letter? I would like to believe that it is cathartic but that would be lying. I have been crying on and off since July begun for no good reason. No. There is a good reason. I tend to lose people that I actually care for and presumably care for me in this month. And last year, well... I gathered my self--respect and lost again.

I look back on the times I was led on because of you. The times I have had my hopes crushed out of empty promises. The times I have believed in the words of humans that have never so much as paid for my data subscription and worst of it all; having to share my most prized dream - little Shanah's existence and mapped out life like she was a useless piece of gossip to share with everyone.

I hate you for that, you know. I hate you for having the ability to let people bait others with their most cherished dreams for entertainment: hoping that it comes true with them. Some things should be no-go areas and this is one of them.

Do you exist? I believe you do. I see hints of you in a lovers' embrace, the lingering glances and touches, beautifully written words in text and the intimate gestures that breathe nothing but familiarity between couples that make me sigh out of pleasure for being privvy to them from the sidelines.

Do you exist for me? I do not know. Would I like to find out? Maybe. I remain uncertain of this because of past experiences. I find myself shying away from flirtations and deeper conversations with the opposite sex because I do not wish to hurt any more. I no longer have the desire for meaningless conversations with people that do not excite me intellectually, humorously and emotionally. Most of all; I have come to loathe being used as a vessel to alleviate people's boredom, faux separation and silent treatments in their relationships.

People are under the impression that I am seeking perfection. They could not be more wrong. I am seeking emotional availability, consistency, honesty and action. Nothing more than that. But, it kind of seems too much to ask especially during this wait for you. I do not even know what to ask for anymore. The endless waiting period has filled me with a lot of doubt regarding your existence for me.

If you do exist for me, If you eventually arrive, may you be everything and more than I could ever dream of. May you show me your glorious beauty and imbue my soul with all the contentment it can take. And most of all; give me the simple pleasure of basking in the splendor of your reflection in a lover's eyes and warmth of his embrace.

Yours,
Shanah

Plus One

It has been a year since I composed this  under the influence of a sugar high and poor health. I was so chafed to see it in today's Facebook memories because I have been anxiously anticipating its revival, in a good way.

I still want to be someone's pain in the ass but maybe not exactly at this point in time. A later date or year or months when I am emotionally and mentally in a good place... possibly.

At this point in time:
I'd love nothing better than to be someone's plus one,
I want to be pampered,
I want to be cosseted,
I want to be a sugar-babe :(
I really miss the 3 am texting,
The ordained time for a soul-soul connection,
When insomnia was more of a friend than enemy,
I want to be someone's pain in the ass,
In the name of love!

Shanah

The Distance Between Us

To
My Former Love;

I still think that you're the one that understood me best.
I would have given you a chance a million times over, if you had shown a modicum of the interest I thought we shared. But, you never did. Neither when I asked you nor I forced your hand. You still played your cards close to your chest and I wasn't built for it. I wasn't built for uncertainty yet you thrived, no, savoured it like it was the most delicious morsel of meat you have ever tasted.
My needs and I have always played second fiddle to the needs of the people in my life and seeing myself taken as a by -the-way was something I couldn't settle for. Even though murky water runs beneath the makeshift bridge we built, it doesn't take away the handful of good memories I have left of you.
You can't deny that I tried for you. I tried a lot more than you would ever know but it wasn't enough. The deal was too raw for me to settle given the uncertainty of the terms. It was either your way or not at all.
Taking you from the person I shared every little detail of my life with, to someone I share a handful of memories with wasn't easy. You were my waking thought. The person my thoughts ran to when something happened in my life and my 3 am companion. You were a habit I nurtured with each opportunity that came my way until...
How many times did we try to mend the cracks between us? Once? Twice? Thrice? I can't even remember because there were instances where you were so callous in your treatment; instances I forgave you for because I liked you a lot, until that day.
Do you ever wonder what happened? Do you think about what you did wrong that drove me to that point? Should I tell you: now that we have a few years worth of distance between us?
To you; it was another empty promise you were making me yet it was a little bubble of hope for us on my side. You gave me the teenage experience I never had by making me wait for a call that never came through. Given our history; that wasn't unexpected but the bitter taste the experience left in my mouth was something I didn't relish. That day made the decision for me.
I had made a lot of moves for you, given you a lot more chances than I have ever given anyone in my life, watched from the side-lines as you publicly mocked every little thing that I did for you. It was enough. I couldn't give anymore. I had nothing left. You took it all. Even the fight I should have had on reserve for your successors.
Am I angry? No. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't know what to look for in anyone I might consider sharing my life with. You are the other yardstick on which I measure their worth as men especially when it comes to their treatment towards me.
It took me years to give others chances. Unfortunately or fortunately, the first person I gave a chance to failed miserably. He said all the pretty and flowery words that I longed to hear from you and I was sold. No. You know I do I do not fall that easily. I thought the years and affection between this person and I would provide the firm foundation for this stage in our lives only to be disappointed. Like you, he failed to live up to his words.
Do you remember that girl? The one that fought for you? She couldn't garner the energy to fight for him once he started being indifferent towards her. That girl just unfriended him so he could do it better from a far. Fighting never even crossed my mind yet it was an uncontrollable urge for your case. Mend it! Fix it! Give it one more try! I was always bridging the distance between us that to this day - I do not have the energy it takes to fight for or chase after a guy, however much I presume to like him.
My life is a revolving door of comings and goings. I should be used to it but I am not. Seeing your successor go hurt a lot because I thought we had a good friendship. The years alone should have been enough to intercede and stop this outcome...
I have never regretted you. I still do not regret you. You meant much more than you knew at that point in my life. What I regret are the feelings you evoked in me. They were too intense to handle. Feeling that way taught me that I never want to be that vulnerable towards another human being and I still don't.
Twice this year; I have been asked on two separate occasions if I would consider us being friends? I loved our friendship. You understood me better than anyone I had encountered in my life. I would have considered it if it was at your instigation and not hearsay. They do not know how dark the murky water that runs beneath our makeshift bridge is and that there's a lot more to it than the distance between us.

Yours,
In love and thoughts,
Shanah

Walks Down Memory Lane

In the recuperation period  of a recent traumatic event I experienced, I find myself adding on a Facebook break because of my need to detach. Not only am I dealing with the reparation of broken bones but also the disappointment and sorrow that comes with matters of the heart.

Ever since 2015; which I diligently documented here when the feelings weren't so raw, I consciously took a break from dating, liking and entertaining thoughts of me on the arm of a significant other until I was both mentally and emotionally strong. The road to single girl business hasn't been all that smooth considering the fact that last year, many of society's voices were in my ear over my lack of a significant other. It has never been easy being a girl more so since our achievements are still measured by the yardstick of the fruits of our womb if not the man by our side. I took all criticism and well meaning "advice" in stride and much as it bogged me down and made me question my noteworthy accomplishments, I shook it off in a matter of months and continued with the derivative pleasure of single girl business until a two-legged human that wears pants and shorts on a permanent basis decided to interrupt.

Clearly; there is no rest for the weary because in a perfect world, someone in my current situation would be dealing with one problem, not two. Life is that funny. After two years of single girl business, being alone but not lonely, I promised myself to try but wasn't actively searching. No. I left all that to God and any man or woman kind enough to hook me up with their friends albeit at my inconvenience.

Then came the declaration I never expected to hear in my lifetime. I resolved to give the declarer a chance because I thought he knew what he wanted (he sounded it because I believed him for those two months) until I spotted emerging traits of behaviour that precipitated my depression and led to my prior decision, the decision to stay single until someone that cares enough for me and actually means it comes along.

Whichever way I look at it; I do not think I am asking for too much from someone I choose to love or vice-versa but it seems to be for the people I give chances to. I have never relished the thought of being an after thought to someone I choose to love and I do not expect them to treat me as such but alas, that is the way they want the cookie to crumble and I refuse to settle.

I was having a repeat performance of 2015 whereby I watched this person be active on social media without as much as "hello" to me in the morning or a "how was your day in the evening", at least every other day because I do not expect someone to be texting me on a daily basis. It hurt a lot back then and it still hurts. That is the behaviour I have been putting up with for close to a month and seeing it killed me every fuckin day. I spent a full weekend in tears over the disappointment in myself and knew that if I do not mitigate before I spiralled, I would lose myself along the way yet I had put a lot of work on my emotional and mental health to let myself drown into an abyss once again.  This informed my decision to deactivate my account, take time off to neutralize feelings, fully detach and leave him to concentrate on the people he cares for enough to mean it.
How am I supposed to heal broken bones with a broken spirit? I need to look out for me since I am only good enough for myself and no one else. Until I come first for the person that chooses to love me and actually shows; I am not settling, even if it means becoming the spinster aunt I find myself resigned to.

I hope to fruitfully use the time off Facebook and Twitter to build my spirit and engage in activities I let slip like reading and writing. I missed this space and the flow of words.

Fragile Love

Even in love
She remains shy as a butterfly
Afraid to leave its cocoon
And test fragile wings
In faith that
They are truly hers
And no one else's.


Shanah


Photocredits: google

Romance

Dear girl,
Romance is food for the soul.
Stay away from the boys who don't offer it.
They are robbers of emotional deposits.
However liberal you are in your thinking,
You need these little acts from boys.
To remind you of your femininity,
To drive home the message;
You are desirable.

Shanah







Photo Credits: google

His Hometown

Me trying out the local drink Kashera

I passed through his home town today.
I mentally kept checking out and off the landmarks I recalled him excitedly telling me about.
I listened with one ear as he went on and on about the prominent figures that belong to his hometown.
The delight he expressed in their ability to light it up during Christmas season and how much he loved it.
I was much more interested in seeing his eyes light up as he described the area.
The little smile that crossed his face at the rush of good memories.
Never did I imagine I would one day be in his part of the world.
Not only be in it but unable to tell him about it.
As I looked out for the places he mentioned,
I went back to that day; relived the memory and his excitement then snuffed out the onslaught of memories.
The sheer irony couldn't escape my nostalgia.
I was in the hometown of somebody I used to know. And I couldn't tell him about it.
Even if I wanted to.
The driver urged me to get in touch with him; tell him my experiences and how I love the lushness of the green here.
I couldn't.
I do not want to.
I no longer wish to be apart of the circus.
What people fail to understand is; the circus stops being entertaining at some point. One can only attend a few uncertain but adrenaline pumping shows before the amusement wears off.
As much as I am tempted, I am no longer interested.
I have outgrown a one man circus act.

Write!

Write until the pain lessens

The memories fade

The thoughts stop running.

Write until it no longer hurts

Till you're able to catch that weightless sigh.

Write until there's nothing to write about

Till the thoughts stop feeding your pen.

Write until it is OK!

Shanah

Little Surprises

"I didn't set goals this year."

Lately, that is the thought that runs through my mind at every bad turn. Nothing seems to be going according to a nonexistent plan and it hurts a little. I feel like I am where I was not so many years ago. However, those little shadows of failure cannot take away my smile from some of the surprising successes of the past few months.

My writing has been quite sporadic as evident and inasmuch as I am unable to string two coherent sentences together in an abandoned journal, the words are starting to return. Little by little; I am returning to the person that used to write short little notes on her phone and twitter. If there is one thing I do not want to lose along with my knack for drawing is the ability to write. Writing has and will always be my tried and tested form of therapy no matter the situation.

I had one interview and a half if I can call it that. My very first interview of the year was with a boss chick who is basically doing what I want to do. I'm not sure if she felt my admiration during the process but she made quite the impression on me. I remember telling my brother about it later and he saying, 'I hope you didn't show her you wanted her job.' That's how much I was impressed. I didn't get the position but cutting it to the interview stage was  motivating. As for the second one; I was invited but never made it. The last time I ever did anything in the grip of intense pain was my final year exams at university. I sat them sick as a dog and I promised myself never to do so for anything not even this interview that found me in said condition.

As the year progressed, I made two promises to myself: not to give out my number to guys and not write any of their names and feelings or thoughts evoked in my journal. I bombed on the first promise and upheld the second. In a year where it was mentally a 'no boys allowed' zone, there came along two people of which I found the second intriguing. Kind of like that person your sub-conscience randomly wonders what makes them tick then let the thought go until God or life drops them in your lap and the more you get to know them the curiouser and curiouser you become!

Still on the breaking of the 'no boys allowed' zone. I went on an indescribable thing. I am not sure if it was a date or a drive-by or whatever they call it nowadays with a guy who I found in the company of his friends! Those were the most awkward 30 minutes of my life and an experience I would care less to repeat. I had no idea boys do such things. He should have told me to bring my friends too.

There have been a few uncharacteristically crazy happenings which I hope not to repeat in the next couple of months and years. I want them to end with just one person for the rest of my life regardless of the stay in each other's lives. My inner crazy came out, played and called it. That's it.

The best part of it all are the boundless moments of inspiration. I may not have shared much on Simply Shanah but my drawing is the constant positive right now and I love it. I have been able to draw a couple of drawings using my favourite medium while trying my hand albeit unsuccessfully at color and painting. Those two mediums are not my forte and I even wonder why I bother!

I am such a pessimist. I believe in promises when they come true however life from this point of view doesn't look so bad. It reminds me of why I started a gratitude journal-to concentrate on the positive instead of dwelling on the negative like I usually do. Maybe I should make more of an effort until I find my rhythm. I may not be fully solid emotions wise but it is enough. 

Good Day

Meet me on a good day
When my hair is shiny and beautiful
When I look fly as fuck
When what happens after wont matter
Because I felt good about myself
Good enough to meet you.

A Selfless Love

In the face of so much pain,
A situation where anybody else would be zealously selfish;
A good heart,
Remains selfless in its love.
Shanah Shameem

Tired

I wrote this early last year when I was at my wits' end from people asking me to get out of hibernation and socialise, go out and date e.t.c. It was quite frustrating and seeing as it has come full circle and that I still feel this way; I thought it best to share.

I don't want to give up but I feel it is what I should do.
Tired of searching.
Tired of flirting.
Tired of trying.
Tired of playing the field.
I just want it to happen when the time is ripe for it.
I don't want to have to work at it.
I want it to be effortless: a mutual meeting of two lost souls coming together.
I don't want to give up but I feel; giving up is the best thing I can do to let what is meant to be happen.
In its own time and in its own way.

Shanah

Self- Preservation

Early last year, I remember telling one of my sisters that I feel like I am falling in love with someone from my past. A boy I went to university with but unfortunately, that’s where it ended. After several years of silence between us, months of communication as he was studying abroad, he turned out to be more shadier than the few years I had known him. It hurt to be disappointed by him for a second time but it was a little easier to get over him.
In all the mix was a guy I chatted with on and off (an exception to my do not chat with anyone rule) someone who knew me more than the blast from the past and felt connected with. I felt understood by him and as the months went by, I caught feelings. It is so funny how the tables turn for he wasn’t my centre of attention in all the on and off chatting years yet suddenly, he tested what we had and I fell. I fell for a guy in the most trying and vulnerable year of my life!
I like to think of myself as a girl with good judgement but my history when it comes to boys just pushes that thought right out of the window. I kept thinking ‘I had the misfortune to fall for the hardest guy in the world’ through that period. I fell for someone who would rather tell the world our problems instead of talking to me directly yet professes to love communication, someone who gave and took with one hand, and to top it off an emotional leech!
At the beginning of 2016, after several months of silence in a bid to save and rid myself of all this emotional chaos, I sent him a new year’s message and asked for a clean slate with the intention to either get to know each other better or end things on good terms. To have a clean slate was a tug of war where he said really nasty things that I let slide until he went too far and I let him have it. I sent him an E-mail to this date that I am very proud of.
He must be a gluttony for pain because he continued to seek me out after the e-mail and weakling that I am towards him (a fact he knows) gave in to him. I left open the lines of communication only to be disappointed once again. I do not know why I thought he would be any different from last year. I curse the infinite hope God bestowed on us women.
I have never known the true meaning of heartache until this guy. I have never felt such ceaseless emotional pain until this guy. At this moment, I do not even remember what going around with a light heart feels like. My chest is constantly weighed down by this little baggage on my heart and because of it, I made the decision to try and get off this emotional roller-coaster he seems to enjoy having me on. I gave in to childish behavior and blocked him because I am simply tired of constantly aching and having my emotions played with for his enjoyment. I want to forget and heal which cannot be with him seeking me out when the mood strikes him.
I marked the start date of the block and mentally gave myself the Lenten period but as far as things go, I may as well give myself 6 months to a year until the little baggage on my heart eases. It is kind of funny looking back on the history of this blog. In all the five years, I can count on one hand the number of posts that are boy inspired. I hope and pray that number doesn’t rise. May God accept.

Ps: I wrote the poem last year. Amazing how words come to you even before you reach the situation.

Silence

I am still trying to find ME; the person I was in the ashes of heartache and sadness. One thing people neither know nor realize is that they should never ever attempt to give hope to a person who permanently looks at the glass as half empty. It is nothing short of cruel.

It is that acknowledgement on how things truly are that brought these words to mind a couple of weeks ago,  where,  not only did I not feel any sense of loss but the little baggage that has been weighing on my heart for a few months now is no longer heavy. Silence is truly golden and I hope it remains so.

I am on the right path on this journey of finding my inner self this year and I am looking forward to being the person I know I am as the year progresses. 

Snippets

My 2015

The year is a stone’s throwaway from coming to an end and I couldn’t be anymore glad to see it go. 2015 has been exceptionally hard in ways I never ever thought would be so much so that concentrating on the good in each day was a chore as the passed by.
Along the way; I made a lot of decisions that so far are turning out for the better. I hope they hold for times to come. Regardless of my mood and emotional chaos, there were a few smile inducing moments in my darkest of days even if I had to edit this compilation several times!

02/06/2015 – Gainful employment gives me a sense of fulfilment I am beginning to love. Alhamdulilah for the abundant opportunities.
06/06/2015 – Finding my bank statement with a heavy account balance made me happy
08/06/2015 – Finally got my letter of appointment to gainful employment!
09/06/2015 – Mentally planning a shopping trip is as taxing as the actual exercise.
10/06/2015 – Helped my male supervisors set up their skype accounts and seeing them make their first call was a sight to behold.
12/06/2015 – Shopping is as fun as being financially independent
14/06/2015 – Beautifully Fierce has 269 Likes
17/06/2015 – Three day trip to Nebbi was an incredible experience!
22/06/2015 – Picked up my iPhone
26/06/2015 – Every time I see him, I know without a doubt we would be married in another life
11/07/2015 – Lunch date with my girl Shar
14/07/2015 – That moment when you jokingly solicit a date from your crush and he accepts!
15/07/2015 – Conversations with Shree are always good catch up sessions
18/07/2015 – Paying it forward is one of the most rewarding feelings in life especially when you are in position to do so.
25/07/2015 – A surprise visit from aunt Djamilah is always welcome
27/07/2015 – The work website is finally up!
28/07/2015 – I love my job and the opportunities that come with it
8/08/2015 – When you realize some things are not meant to be and get rid off what connected and held you to them.
9/08/2015 – It is time for a cleansing of sorts. A beginning for fresh thoughts, new people and memories
15/08/2015 – Mayi’s introduction ceremony proved to be a fantastic day for catching up with the cousins.
16/08/2015 – I never turn away people who reach out to me unless in a bad mood.
21/08/2015 – Liking men in whatever way shouldn’t interfere with ones career goals.
23/08/2015 – Memories fade but they cannot fade as fast if we keep holding onto reminders of what used to be.
28/08/2015 – The ‘talk’ with my male Supervisor
30/08/2015 – When it comes to matters of the heart, only God knows.
31/08/2015 – Sad’s first anniversary.
05/09/2015 – A perfect lunch with my girl Shar and Indian cuisine as accompaniment. 
18/09/2015 – 5 am art grind! These are the moments I live for
19/09/2015 – Seeing Belle engaged brought tears to my eyes. She looked so gorgeous.
23/09/2015 – The past never has anything new to tell
25/09/2015 – I know where I want my life to go. I may not be there yet but I do know where it is heading.
30/09/2015 – Mariam Nan’s advice has never led me astray.
1/10/2015 – Created Shanah Off Duty for my art.
02/10/2015 – It feels great to have one of my best friends (Belle) back after her wedding!
12/10/2015 – Field trip to Kamuli. The source of the Nile is breathtaking to say the least.
16/10/2015 – Completed my first art piece for Shanah Off Duty in black and white.
18/10/2015 – Spending the day looking into the eyes of a beautiful little human. My baby’s baby is a pretty little thing
19/10/2015 – Shakira’s prayer for me touched my heart. Everyone needs a friend like this in their lives.
26/10/2015 – My savings are slowly coming together.
30/10/2015 – I need to make me happy for now. Forever.
31/10/2015 – Visit from my girl Emma.
- Another drawing added onto my collection.
04/11/2015 – Memorial prayers for the tenth anniversary of my grandfather’s death and five years of Simply Shanah.
05/11/2015 – The realization that I never want to be an after thought to someone God chooses for me.
15/11/2015 – You know you are done with someone when you tear the pages filled with their name out of your journal
- Baby Ihsaan’s birth. A little mini me for my brother!
19/11/2015 – There is nothing as fulfilling as giving back to children with disabilities
20/11/2015 – A day that went from bleak to promising in a moment
21/11/2015 – Last lunch of the year with bestie capped off with running into one of my favourite men
25/11/2015 – To know someone has a crush on you in one of your darkest moments is the best validation one can ever receive
08/12/2015 – Trip to Tororo. The urge to write is slowly returning to my thoughts
11/12/2015 – Alhamdulilah for the opportunities to work in unexpected but posh places and also do my work well
14/12/2015 – We live in a generation where you hardly know someone if you don’t know their favourite emoji

Social Butterfly

One of the things I neither expected nor anticipated this year was having a semi-active social life. Alas! I came out of hibernation and went with it.

Besides my work and art, it is the unexpected aspect that has brought me immense pleasure for it gave me the opportunity to meet a few good men. 

Over the weekend, I spent a few hours in the company of a man of a certain age. The kind that have the indefinable 'je ne sais quoi' about them but really it has to do with experience and how well they wear it. 

As I watched and listened to him talk; I kept thinking how we (girls) have the tendency to dwell and wallow in heartache and pain over past deeds, misdeeds and deeds undone that we invariably bolt doors- close ourselves off from socializing with good guys who come along during the healing period yet it shouldn't be so. We refuse to give these opportunities time and a chance out of self protection forgetting that the people we are suffering or suffered for never stopped practicing 'plate theory' and exploring all their options in our honor before and after the stopover in their lives.

Instead of bolting the door shut over Dick who was so full of himself he could self combust, keep it a jar at least to Harry, John or Jim who might come along and help you get over Dick.

Take the necessary time you need to heal but do not close the door entirely especially on someone you happen to make a connection with because at the end of the day, the decision to take a chance or not is yours - depending on how serious the other person is.

I think this is the reason as to why I have been on the receiving end of so many 'you have changed' remarks. It was inexplicable at the start but I'm beginning to get it. I'm glad something good came out of being a social butterfly because it took a lot of effort on my part. The best part of it all is having my social calendar come to close on such a good note. 

Alhamdulilah. 

An Illusion Of The Thing... Love!

I drew the above picture after a day of celebrating love between my cousin and her life partner of choice.

When I drew it, it was thoughtless and unintentional because it resides on the pages of my journal and ever since drawing it: I've never taken the time to question why? Did I draw it because I want to be in love? Is it a euphoric residue after seeing people celebrate love or am I just taken up by the concept of finding love than actually being in love?

I don't know. 

All these questions took my mind back to a month or so where one of my best friends said I was falling in love (with one of the hardest persons I've had the misfortune to fancy) and it woke me up! Her thoughts made me take a hard look at the situation, the person and it made me realize that if I was falling in love, I didn't want to fall freely, stupidly and settle for crumbs. No.

'Before you fall, take a hard look at where you're falling then you will know how to fall.' That quote went through my head as I mentally laid everything on the table. I knew without a doubt I am too good to settle for a person who treats me like an after thought, an ego-stroker, someone who makes me feel like I am trying to scale down the Great Wall of China with a fork in every conversation. To sum it up like a dog chasing after the elusive bone.

I've hurt more these past months than I've ever hurt for somebody, fallen into a depression I last suffered two years ago for something or someone that is really just an illusion of the thing - a concept.

Recently, I came across someone who thought that my being single is for lack of opportunity. How I laughed! For a girl to be single is not lack of opportunity, it is knowing what she wants and the decision to not settle for what's on offer especially if it doesn't give her room for growth. We may not have a say in who we fall for but we do have a say in who and what we finally settle for. That choice is up to us at the end of the day.

Whether concept, illusion or the real thing, I do know without a doubt that the next time I decide to fall for someone; it best be on my terms. Yes! I'd like to wake up to and be on the receiving end of 'good morning', 'how is your day', good night' texts that I will reply to six hours later if I feel like it and phone calls I wouldn't deign to pick nor respond to because I am busy! Busy seeing you blow up my phone while my heart is doing a jig for having an unsolicited ego-stroker who I can get back to when it suits me. That includes a fortnight. Thank you. 

On a serious note though; I may not know what I want or what being in love is like or if I am ready for it... Whatever. What I do know is I'd like it to be an easy fall. A mutual meeting of two lonely souls that appreciate one another enough to share the experience and wonderment of it all. The euphoria, nostalgia and melancholy as well as the little pinches that come with having divergent views and opinions. As long as we both know and look at each other with love at the end of a hard day. With gazes that will remind us of why we fell, settled and loved one another in the beginning.

Like I scribbled on the drawing: it ain't gotta be perfect as long as it is real and   mutual.

A Kindling

They say 'change is always a good thing'. How good is it if all it does is bring you pain and little bursts of happiness one can't forever live on in an uncertain future and world?

What good is change if not permanent? Why must we implicitly follow its tide against better judgement only to discover  there is nothing much to hold on to at its destination, except scattered pieces of promises that will never come true?

Who needs promises they can't cash at the bank? And why bring someone along to show them the person they would hate to be? A person they in fact loathe to ever be? 

To avoid further occurrences of this and the disappointments that are never far from empty promises: it is both imperative and important to take a step back or a moment forward and work towards getting back the person you were before 'change' ever came along to show you a 'you' you'd detest ever being for the next era of your life.

Let go of all the tangible reminders and memories of that which will never be and rekindle the unfulfilled dreams with a slight shift in perspective geared towards getting the 'you' you know to the place you desired to be before 'change' came along and took you downhill.

Take a minute to remind yourself of what it is you really want out of life and the person you are trying to be in that life then work towards becoming the person you'd be proud of no matter the 'changes' you go through as long as you see a better you at the tide's destination.