Monday, February 22, 2016

Self- Preservation


Early last year, I remember telling one of my sisters that I feel like I am falling in love with someone from my past. A boy I went to university with but unfortunately, that’s where it ended. After several years of silence between us, months of communication as he was studying abroad, he turned out to be more shadier than the few years I had known him. It hurt to be disappointed by him for a second time but it was a little easier to get over him.
In all the mix was a guy I chatted with on and off (an exception to my do not chat with anyone rule) someone who knew me more than the blast from the past and felt connected with. I felt understood by him and as the months went by, I caught feelings. It is so funny how the tables turn for he wasn’t my centre of attention in all the on and off chatting years yet suddenly, he tested what we had and I fell. I fell for a guy in the most trying and vulnerable year of my life!
I like to think of myself as a girl with good judgement but my history when it comes to boys just pushes that thought right out of the window. I kept thinking ‘I had the misfortune to fall for the hardest guy in the world’ through that period. I fell for someone who would rather tell the world our problems instead of talking to me directly yet professes to love communication, someone who gave and took with one hand, and to top it off an emotional leech!
At the beginning of 2016, after several months of silence in a bid to save and rid myself of all this emotional chaos, I sent him a new year’s message and asked for a clean slate with the intention to either get to know each other better or end things on good terms. To have a clean slate was a tug of war where he said really nasty things that I let slide until he went too far and I let him have it. I sent him an E-mail to this date that I am very proud of.
He must be a gluttony for pain because he continued to seek me out after the e-mail and weakling that I am towards him (a fact he knows) gave in to him. I left open the lines of communication only to be disappointed once again. I do not know why I thought he would be any different from last year. I curse the infinite hope God bestowed on us women.
I have never known the true meaning of heartache until this guy. I have never felt such ceaseless emotional pain until this guy. At this moment, I do not even remember what going around with a light heart feels like. My chest is constantly weighed down by this little baggage on my heart and because of it, I made the decision to try and get off this emotional roller-coaster he seems to enjoy having me on. I gave in to childish behavior and blocked him because I am simply tired of constantly aching and having my emotions played with for his enjoyment. I want to forget and heal which cannot be with him seeking me out when the mood strikes him.
I marked the start date of the block and mentally gave myself the Lenten period but as far as things go, I may as well give myself 6 months to a year until the little baggage on my heart eases. It is kind of funny looking back on the history of this blog. In all the five years, I can count on one hand the number of posts that are boy inspired. I hope and pray that number doesn’t rise. May God accept.

Ps: I wrote the poem last year. Amazing how words come to you even before you reach the situation.

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