Self- Preservation

Early last year, I remember telling one of my sisters that I feel like I am falling in love with someone from my past. A boy I went to university with but unfortunately, that’s where it ended. After several years of silence between us, months of communication as he was studying abroad, he turned out to be more shadier than the few years I had known him. It hurt to be disappointed by him for a second time but it was a little easier to get over him.
In all the mix was a guy I chatted with on and off (an exception to my do not chat with anyone rule) someone who knew me more than the blast from the past and felt connected with. I felt understood by him and as the months went by, I caught feelings. It is so funny how the tables turn for he wasn’t my centre of attention in all the on and off chatting years yet suddenly, he tested what we had and I fell. I fell for a guy in the most trying and vulnerable year of my life!
I like to think of myself as a girl with good judgement but my history when it comes to boys just pushes that thought right out of the window. I kept thinking ‘I had the misfortune to fall for the hardest guy in the world’ through that period. I fell for someone who would rather tell the world our problems instead of talking to me directly yet professes to love communication, someone who gave and took with one hand, and to top it off an emotional leech!
At the beginning of 2016, after several months of silence in a bid to save and rid myself of all this emotional chaos, I sent him a new year’s message and asked for a clean slate with the intention to either get to know each other better or end things on good terms. To have a clean slate was a tug of war where he said really nasty things that I let slide until he went too far and I let him have it. I sent him an E-mail to this date that I am very proud of.
He must be a gluttony for pain because he continued to seek me out after the e-mail and weakling that I am towards him (a fact he knows) gave in to him. I left open the lines of communication only to be disappointed once again. I do not know why I thought he would be any different from last year. I curse the infinite hope God bestowed on us women.
I have never known the true meaning of heartache until this guy. I have never felt such ceaseless emotional pain until this guy. At this moment, I do not even remember what going around with a light heart feels like. My chest is constantly weighed down by this little baggage on my heart and because of it, I made the decision to try and get off this emotional roller-coaster he seems to enjoy having me on. I gave in to childish behavior and blocked him because I am simply tired of constantly aching and having my emotions played with for his enjoyment. I want to forget and heal which cannot be with him seeking me out when the mood strikes him.
I marked the start date of the block and mentally gave myself the Lenten period but as far as things go, I may as well give myself 6 months to a year until the little baggage on my heart eases. It is kind of funny looking back on the history of this blog. In all the five years, I can count on one hand the number of posts that are boy inspired. I hope and pray that number doesn’t rise. May God accept.

Ps: I wrote the poem last year. Amazing how words come to you even before you reach the situation.

Enough IS Enough!

I have had it up to here with boys on Facebook! I have reached my limit! I am tired of being terrorized in my messages inbox and chatted up for no reason. My participation doesn’t mean I love it. On the contrary, I am being courteous by indulging you because I don’t want to be rude which is going to change from now on.
A friend once told me I throw tantrums on Facenook-it should have offended me but not quite because why not throw a tantrum in the same place that ignited it?With the crap I have been dealt, I think they are well deserved tantrums and also warnings to those who might get it in their heads to want to disturb me.
I go on Facebook most of the time to play Farmville-yes, I am addicted to this game, maintain a Facebook page my and Emma started up and also to chat with my friends (people I know). Unfortunately some of that time is compromised by random boys who want to chat me up with nonsense. The things they say; well…to sum it up, they get hot and heavy, wax lyric within a day of my having accepted their friend request. The wise wait a little and then all of a sudden launch a full fledged attack! Fun-knee how they terrorise me in my messages inbox and then get all huffy and pissy when I tell them I Am Not Interested!
I sometimes wonder what sort of girl they think I am cause honestly, who in their right mind goes to meet a random stranger within a day or hours of being chatted up? I am neither looking for sex nor selling anything! And they are not worthy the death of a random cat out there for me to kill!
Another thing, boys who get all hot and heavy at once creep the f**k out of me. Flattery in my books never takes you anywhere when you know nothing about me. And always liking my status updates, pictures and comments doesn’t give you the right to terrorise me in my messages inbox nor poke me!
I know people use facebook for sex, relationships etc but I don’t fall in either of those categories. I NEVER want to meet facebook friends and boys on purpose. NEVER! It is one thing I never and still don’t entertain as a thought. The fewer people I know the better.
Because I don’t want to entertain anyone, I try not to get caught up in the senseless chats. I know I can block and restrict everything but I feel I have outgrown all that. So please, do me a favor and LEAVE ME THE F**K ALONE while I am on my farm or not. IF I do so much as bestow on you the pleasure of chatting with me, try and keep your nefarious intentions and purposes to yourself by neither macking on me nor soliciting meetings. Thank you!

How The Cookie Crumbles…

"Smile like there's nothing wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting you."

 

Once upon a time in a land not so far away lived a boy and a girl who have quite a history. The boy and girl grew closer from the onset of their second meeting.

They would chat and talk to each other almost everyday or every other day for hours on end without awkward silences. It was beautiful to watch if I say so myself.

The Girl thought they were going somewhere with it until she woke up one morning to find the boy had listed himself in a relationship with some hussy and it wasn’t her! As expected, the girl was quite distraught. She mulled it over; left, right and center trying to find a reason why? Why with someone else and not her? Could she have read it all wrong? Was it because of the fight they had had? But fights are supposed to make you stronger not to weaken the bond. As she recalled, they had successfully mended fences after the fight and everything was back to normal. Why this and Why now? All the signs had pointed to getting together even if they never actually had “the talk”.

She put everything that had happened down to reading too much into the signs when clearly it was all in her head. A consultation with her best friends told her otherwise. He was into her just as she was judging by prior actions. Actions speak louder than words sometimes but when it comes to matters of the heart, the talk needs to be had.

The girl felt like confronting the boy upon finding him listed but thought otherwise. You do not confront someone on something you have never talked about. She then contemplated telling him how she felt but it was a little too late. Doing so would put the two of them in an extremely awkward situation therefore killing the friendship. How do you survive something like that? She decided to keep it to herself and went on being the ‘good friend’ she is. Besides, her brother had once told her that for boys, there is safety in numbers. He can say the same things to three different girls later settling with the one who gave in first. The not so best woman won in this insistence.

Even if it kills her a times, she holds onto who she is. Fine, she misses the endless talking on the phone. The texts and well…the thought that she is talking to him and no one else. But hey, the cookie had to crumble at some point, right?

The boy and the girl occasionally talk though not as frequently. At the back of their minds, they both know it will never be right as rain like before not until the boy talks about the elephant in the room. The girl, however much she wants to bring it up can’t dare to. No! It is his business and therefore he has to be the one to bring it up.

THE END!