"I didn't set goals this year."
Lately, that is the thought that runs through my mind at every bad turn. Nothing seems to be going according to a nonexistent plan and it hurts a little. I feel like I am where I was not so many years ago. However, those little shadows of failure cannot take away my smile from some of the surprising successes of the past few months.
My writing has been quite sporadic as evident and inasmuch as I am unable to string two coherent sentences together in an abandoned journal, the words are starting to return. Little by little; I am returning to the person that used to write short little notes on her phone and twitter. If there is one thing I do not want to lose along with my knack for drawing is the ability to write. Writing has and will always be my tried and tested form of therapy no matter the situation.
I had one interview and a half if I can call it that. My very first interview of the year was with a boss chick who is basically doing what I want to do. I'm not sure if she felt my admiration during the process but she made quite the impression on me. I remember telling my brother about it later and he saying, 'I hope you didn't show her you wanted her job.' That's how much I was impressed. I didn't get the position but cutting it to the interview stage was motivating. As for the second one; I was invited but never made it. The last time I ever did anything in the grip of intense pain was my final year exams at university. I sat them sick as a dog and I promised myself never to do so for anything not even this interview that found me in said condition.
As the year progressed, I made two promises to myself: not to give out my number to guys and not write any of their names and feelings or thoughts evoked in my journal. I bombed on the first promise and upheld the second. In a year where it was mentally a 'no boys allowed' zone, there came along two people of which I found the second intriguing. Kind of like that person your sub-conscience randomly wonders what makes them tick then let the thought go until God or life drops them in your lap and the more you get to know them the curiouser and curiouser you become!
Still on the breaking of the 'no boys allowed' zone. I went on an indescribable thing. I am not sure if it was a date or a drive-by or whatever they call it nowadays with a guy who I found in the company of his friends! Those were the most awkward 30 minutes of my life and an experience I would care less to repeat. I had no idea boys do such things. He should have told me to bring my friends too.
There have been a few uncharacteristically crazy happenings which I hope not to repeat in the next couple of months and years. I want them to end with just one person for the rest of my life regardless of the stay in each other's lives. My inner crazy came out, played and called it. That's it.
The best part of it all are the boundless moments of inspiration. I may not have shared much on Simply Shanah but my drawing is the constant positive right now and I love it. I have been able to draw a couple of drawings using my favourite medium while trying my hand albeit unsuccessfully at color and painting. Those two mediums are not my forte and I even wonder why I bother!
I am such a pessimist. I believe in promises when they come true however life from this point of view doesn't look so bad. It reminds me of why I started a gratitude journal-to concentrate on the positive instead of dwelling on the negative like I usually do. Maybe I should make more of an effort until I find my rhythm. I may not be fully solid emotions wise but it is enough.