You Never Cared

You never cared.
What I don't understand is why you're taking so much of my thoughts, lately?!
Why does your name pop up in my moments of sadness?
I shouldn't even ask this because you found me at my most vulnerable. As much as giving you the oars to my boat was freeing, you caused a lot more damage than I expected.
A year and half later; unmarred by your poor attempt at communication, why does your name suddenly pop up in my thoughts?
What you don't know is; the first quota of the year has been more than splendid my side. The one thing I've been unable to complain about is my life and all that's happening. In fact, I'm more appreciative of it-the way it is.
When your name pops up, it hangs like a shadow on the fringes of this happiness. I don't want that. I don't want anything to do with you casting shadows over my glow!
You never cared.
So, why does your name keep popping up in my thoughts?
I weaned myself off giving permanent feelings to temporary people, chasing nonexistent emotions and affection. Feelings and emotions that should come naturally with ease between people who actually care for one another. The girl you thought you knew reverted to the person she was before giving up her oars for you.
Knowing you never cared should be a barrier to your occupancy of my thoughts.

Sixth Anniversary

It is six years since I developed Simply Shanah. In a generation and era where everything is about commercialization and making a profit, the reasons as to why I created this space continue to hold water and are unlikely to change.
When I started Simply Shanah; I had no illusions of grandeur whatsoever of ever making a living off of it.If anything, I was after the space - somewhere I can write and let go of the myriad of thoughts that bog me down, not because writing is my passion but more of therapy to me. And as such, never was perturbed over it’s dismal performance. The knowledge that readers find it relatable now, and think me good enough to turn it into a money-making entity are all unexpected feathers in my cap.
People write for all sorts of reasons most of which is passion for the majority. All of them will say it is hard, more so for those seeking to earn a living from it. Blogging is just as hard if not harder. Setting up a blog with the intent to earn off of it soon as it is up and running is an endeavor doomed to fail. It’s success relies solely on nurturing and time  which are infinite factors.
What our generation has failed to understand is; success takes time and nurturing. In the blogsphere: you need to have good content, time to build up a readership or following and also social media reach. All of which do not happen in a day let alone months. And for those seeking to earn from it; they need to put something down twice or thrice a week to maintain their reach which makes the output of good content and spread extra hard because tastes and opinions differ when it comes to topical issues.
I always encourage friends of mine who are better writers than I, to go into blogging just to nurture and grow their writing skills while at the same time build an audience because they go hand-in-hand. You need to have a solid audience before you can seek to earn from blogging for it is this audience that will pay to read your material and recommend to friends thus spreading your readership. When that happens; your writing skills would have vastly improved. It is the same piece of advice I am extending to all budding bloggers and writers along with; write because you need to and not have to.

Write!

Write until the pain lessens

The memories fade

The thoughts stop running.

Write until it no longer hurts

Till you're able to catch that weightless sigh.

Write until there's nothing to write about

Till the thoughts stop feeding your pen.

Write until it is OK!

Shanah

Little Surprises

"I didn't set goals this year."

Lately, that is the thought that runs through my mind at every bad turn. Nothing seems to be going according to a nonexistent plan and it hurts a little. I feel like I am where I was not so many years ago. However, those little shadows of failure cannot take away my smile from some of the surprising successes of the past few months.

My writing has been quite sporadic as evident and inasmuch as I am unable to string two coherent sentences together in an abandoned journal, the words are starting to return. Little by little; I am returning to the person that used to write short little notes on her phone and twitter. If there is one thing I do not want to lose along with my knack for drawing is the ability to write. Writing has and will always be my tried and tested form of therapy no matter the situation.

I had one interview and a half if I can call it that. My very first interview of the year was with a boss chick who is basically doing what I want to do. I'm not sure if she felt my admiration during the process but she made quite the impression on me. I remember telling my brother about it later and he saying, 'I hope you didn't show her you wanted her job.' That's how much I was impressed. I didn't get the position but cutting it to the interview stage was  motivating. As for the second one; I was invited but never made it. The last time I ever did anything in the grip of intense pain was my final year exams at university. I sat them sick as a dog and I promised myself never to do so for anything not even this interview that found me in said condition.

As the year progressed, I made two promises to myself: not to give out my number to guys and not write any of their names and feelings or thoughts evoked in my journal. I bombed on the first promise and upheld the second. In a year where it was mentally a 'no boys allowed' zone, there came along two people of which I found the second intriguing. Kind of like that person your sub-conscience randomly wonders what makes them tick then let the thought go until God or life drops them in your lap and the more you get to know them the curiouser and curiouser you become!

Still on the breaking of the 'no boys allowed' zone. I went on an indescribable thing. I am not sure if it was a date or a drive-by or whatever they call it nowadays with a guy who I found in the company of his friends! Those were the most awkward 30 minutes of my life and an experience I would care less to repeat. I had no idea boys do such things. He should have told me to bring my friends too.

There have been a few uncharacteristically crazy happenings which I hope not to repeat in the next couple of months and years. I want them to end with just one person for the rest of my life regardless of the stay in each other's lives. My inner crazy came out, played and called it. That's it.

The best part of it all are the boundless moments of inspiration. I may not have shared much on Simply Shanah but my drawing is the constant positive right now and I love it. I have been able to draw a couple of drawings using my favourite medium while trying my hand albeit unsuccessfully at color and painting. Those two mediums are not my forte and I even wonder why I bother!

I am such a pessimist. I believe in promises when they come true however life from this point of view doesn't look so bad. It reminds me of why I started a gratitude journal-to concentrate on the positive instead of dwelling on the negative like I usually do. Maybe I should make more of an effort until I find my rhythm. I may not be fully solid emotions wise but it is enough. 

Fifth Anniversary!

Simply Shanah made five years! Wow!
I remember my very first post and the day I decided to put some of my life’s experiences on an open platform like it was yesterday. So many memories both good and bad, so many tear filled (but you wouldn’t know that), angry and depressive posts like life’s endless storms.

I chanced upon the above quote several months back and it made me re-think the purpose of Simply Shanah. It made me want to give it an overhaul, a different purpose and entirely a new focus. But that would have entailed losing a lot of who I am in black and white. The experiences I have been through that are just snippets on my journals and the little odd bits that I keep sharing. It is a true depiction of my life – all over the place and I wouldn’t change any of it anytime soon.
If I had gone through with the revamp, I wouldn’t be able to look back and gauge how much I have grown as a person in thought and writing. I also wouldn’t have concrete reminders of some of the painful situations in my life and how I overcame them. I mean; there is a period where there were hardly any depressed posts, well until recently of course. This is something because I am that girl… perpetually on the brink of depression and fortunately I have learnt how to deal with it more successfully than yesteryear.
Five years of Simply Shanah! If the feedback from friends and the readers is anything to go by; I have grown in my writing and the readership is amazing at this point. It takes a lot of energy to string together two words to form a coherent thought for a blog post and I admire those who do so on a regular basis unlike I. I barely have the time anymore and because of it my other baby is performing dismally.
Right now, at this moment in time, I am trying to get back to the basics and do what needs to be done especially for the things I care about most: this, my art and other baby not forgetting my French. Something was taking up too much of my time and it wasn’t in anyway constructive at all. In fact, I let myself be caught up in it and ended up losing the person I was before it. I am wholeheartedly trying to get back to that person because that girl knew who she was.
On that note; Happy happy anniversary to my first baby Simply Shanah!!! :) Thank you for reading and sharing the odd posts now and then.