Are You Ever Ready?

‘I am not ready’. ‘You are not ready’. ‘We are not ready’.

I was scrolling through my Facebook feed and landed on a post a friend had commented on. A woman had written in to a radio station saying that her boyfriend of 5 years is soon turning 30 and wants a positive pregnancy 🤰 test as a birthday present. The woman is 2 years shy of 30 and is not ready. 

This made me think, are we ever ready for a situation? Do we know how ready we are until we are in the middle of it? No. 

Before I braced myself and then some to go for studies, I was a bundle of doubts. 

When a friend of mine sent me the application, I fired him so many questions just to dissuade him from encouraging me to apply. He had an answer to all the questions. To get him off my case, I accepted to apply. I went to office, sat on the application for the day and sent it to him. Late in the night, he told me he had issues with sending it and I told him to leave it. But he convinced me to send it myself. I did that the following day. 

I wrote that off until months later when I received an email inviting me for the interview. This interview. Let me first laugh at myself. 😂 I received the date and time while I was busy packing for the African Women’s Leadership Institute program. It was for 7 days and at a hotel deep in Namugongo while the interview was to be in Ntinda at the former offices of National Council for Disability. You should have seen me try to make it work. 

I had already stalled with the AWLI program and to cancel at the last minute was not right. I thought of turning down the interview because I couldn’t see myself flying from Namugongo to Ntinda but my friend and my  mother convinced me otherwise. I had also read for it like my life depended on it. 

Like in all life changing situations of my life, my brother was around and had use of my sister’s car. When mum informed me that he would pick me up, I told him the time he should pick me up and to bring along the dress I had in mind to wear for the interview. At NCD, someone I know (a fellow woman with a disability) walked into the room and she told me she was interviewing for the same. I told her then that I wouldn’t mind losing the interview to her. They could only take one of us. I interviewed with the mind that she will be the one to succeed. 

Months down the road, I received an acceptance email on a really bad day. I braced myself before opening it because I couldn’t take anymore bad news and was shocked. I didn’t know what to do because I wasn’t expecting to be accepted. I didn’t even celebrate. 😢 

In the period of chasing academic and travel documents plus work commitments, my sister was diagnosed with a blood clot & was admitted to the High Dependency Unit. 

This literally put a wrench in everything. I was just returning from a trip to Iganga when my mum explicitly told me to go stay with my nephew for the duration. I worked and looked after my nephew until his mother was discharged. This set my mum and I back severally. I applied for our visas when the visa office was a day to breaking off for the December holiday. 

January 2020 dawned. We were to travel the first week of January but because we had applied late for the visas… I still harboured doubts about leaving the job, all that was familiar to me (family, friends, weather) and having a doctor a phone call away. In the background, there was also someone’s son. He had just hinted at a tea-date and I kept thinking, ‘what if this has the potential to blossom into something and my leaving kills it?’ I was a mess! Chap wasn’t even proposing but I actually considered the repercussions of the trip. That’s how you know it’s not easy being a girl. 😂

I had misgivings. I kept talking to my senior advisor about most of them and he firmly told me that losing the job should not be cause for me to turn down an opportunity to better myself. If I lost it, there would be something else. I tendered in my request for study leave 3 days to the day of travel while my mum did all the running around shopping and packing. 

On the day of, I had to do more shopping, lunch with my sister Anitsha and continue to pack. I’d also wanted to see my nephew one more time before I left because I was so afraid he would forget me. He’d just learnt to say my name, picked up on the fact that I used crutches and was becoming a little connoisseur of tea. 

Yeah, misgivings and doubts did not go away even while I was going through the student experience. Nevertheless, I went. I lived. I loved. I studied. I thrived. I did it all while I was afraid and do not regret it one bit. 

My point is you never know that you are ready for anything until you are either right in the middle of the situation or walking the steps. All you have to do is take that leap of faith but prepare for the consequences. Like leaving someone’s son yet all he had suggested was a tea-date. 😒 

This post was also inspired by a current situation in my life...

Cultural Norms

Once again; I accompanied my bosses on a trip to the Northern region of Uganda specifically the districts of Koboko, Pader and Karamoja on a monitoring and evaluation exercise for one of the ongoing projects over there. What these districts have in common are distance between each other, dark as sin people and extremely dry weather! I used to lament about the distance from Kampala to Entebbe until I travelled north. That journey to and fro is enough to make location as an item on my list of deal-breakers in a potential partner.
Aside from the journey and the extremely hot weather plus short and stout cows; the north is actually beautiful. I loved my first visit to Nebbi and thought it one of the developing districts in that region but Koboko puts up a good fight. It is coming along wonderfully. What impressed me most though was Karamoja. It is incredibly beautiful! The dryness of the earth and weather add to its beauty and I was told it is something else when the rainy season is upon them. If it wasn’t so dry and far, I would consider having a weekend home over there.
To get back to the purpose of the trip, the project under monitoring and evaluation had to do with the mitigation of gender based violence against girls and women with disabilities. Inasmuch as it was successful across all three districts, the main challenge against absolute success; prejudice and attitude towards persons with disabilities notwithstanding are the cultural norms.
In Kakwa culture (a tribe of people from Koboko) it is a taboo for a woman to report her husband to the police in case of gender based violence. A practice enabled by family members and friends who decide to keep silent about the crime thereby obstructing the judicial system. A victim in Karamoja narrated a similar experience where her partner an officer of the law at that couldn’t be brought to justice over child negligence and abuse out of fear and cultural beliefs. They would rather suffer in silence than bring shame upon themselves and their partners in the community.
If we the educated, well travelled, sophisticated and modern city dwellers can be ensnared in its tight far reaching tentacles when push comes to shove, how about the uneducated and helpless village dwellers? These are ideologies set before us and will continue to live on after us. One cannot battle pre-conceived notions until it is a do-or-die situation which I believe gender based violence is. It always comes down to someone’s inner strength and the need to do better for and by themselves because help alone is nothing. Until one comes to such a point, these tentacles will never be let go of.

My 2015

The year is a stone’s throwaway from coming to an end and I couldn’t be anymore glad to see it go. 2015 has been exceptionally hard in ways I never ever thought would be so much so that concentrating on the good in each day was a chore as the passed by.
Along the way; I made a lot of decisions that so far are turning out for the better. I hope they hold for times to come. Regardless of my mood and emotional chaos, there were a few smile inducing moments in my darkest of days even if I had to edit this compilation several times!

02/06/2015 – Gainful employment gives me a sense of fulfilment I am beginning to love. Alhamdulilah for the abundant opportunities.
06/06/2015 – Finding my bank statement with a heavy account balance made me happy
08/06/2015 – Finally got my letter of appointment to gainful employment!
09/06/2015 – Mentally planning a shopping trip is as taxing as the actual exercise.
10/06/2015 – Helped my male supervisors set up their skype accounts and seeing them make their first call was a sight to behold.
12/06/2015 – Shopping is as fun as being financially independent
14/06/2015 – Beautifully Fierce has 269 Likes
17/06/2015 – Three day trip to Nebbi was an incredible experience!
22/06/2015 – Picked up my iPhone
26/06/2015 – Every time I see him, I know without a doubt we would be married in another life
11/07/2015 – Lunch date with my girl Shar
14/07/2015 – That moment when you jokingly solicit a date from your crush and he accepts!
15/07/2015 – Conversations with Shree are always good catch up sessions
18/07/2015 – Paying it forward is one of the most rewarding feelings in life especially when you are in position to do so.
25/07/2015 – A surprise visit from aunt Djamilah is always welcome
27/07/2015 – The work website is finally up!
28/07/2015 – I love my job and the opportunities that come with it
8/08/2015 – When you realize some things are not meant to be and get rid off what connected and held you to them.
9/08/2015 – It is time for a cleansing of sorts. A beginning for fresh thoughts, new people and memories
15/08/2015 – Mayi’s introduction ceremony proved to be a fantastic day for catching up with the cousins.
16/08/2015 – I never turn away people who reach out to me unless in a bad mood.
21/08/2015 – Liking men in whatever way shouldn’t interfere with ones career goals.
23/08/2015 – Memories fade but they cannot fade as fast if we keep holding onto reminders of what used to be.
28/08/2015 – The ‘talk’ with my male Supervisor
30/08/2015 – When it comes to matters of the heart, only God knows.
31/08/2015 – Sad’s first anniversary.
05/09/2015 – A perfect lunch with my girl Shar and Indian cuisine as accompaniment. 
18/09/2015 – 5 am art grind! These are the moments I live for
19/09/2015 – Seeing Belle engaged brought tears to my eyes. She looked so gorgeous.
23/09/2015 – The past never has anything new to tell
25/09/2015 – I know where I want my life to go. I may not be there yet but I do know where it is heading.
30/09/2015 – Mariam Nan’s advice has never led me astray.
1/10/2015 – Created Shanah Off Duty for my art.
02/10/2015 – It feels great to have one of my best friends (Belle) back after her wedding!
12/10/2015 – Field trip to Kamuli. The source of the Nile is breathtaking to say the least.
16/10/2015 – Completed my first art piece for Shanah Off Duty in black and white.
18/10/2015 – Spending the day looking into the eyes of a beautiful little human. My baby’s baby is a pretty little thing
19/10/2015 – Shakira’s prayer for me touched my heart. Everyone needs a friend like this in their lives.
26/10/2015 – My savings are slowly coming together.
30/10/2015 – I need to make me happy for now. Forever.
31/10/2015 – Visit from my girl Emma.
- Another drawing added onto my collection.
04/11/2015 – Memorial prayers for the tenth anniversary of my grandfather’s death and five years of Simply Shanah.
05/11/2015 – The realization that I never want to be an after thought to someone God chooses for me.
15/11/2015 – You know you are done with someone when you tear the pages filled with their name out of your journal
- Baby Ihsaan’s birth. A little mini me for my brother!
19/11/2015 – There is nothing as fulfilling as giving back to children with disabilities
20/11/2015 – A day that went from bleak to promising in a moment
21/11/2015 – Last lunch of the year with bestie capped off with running into one of my favourite men
25/11/2015 – To know someone has a crush on you in one of your darkest moments is the best validation one can ever receive
08/12/2015 – Trip to Tororo. The urge to write is slowly returning to my thoughts
11/12/2015 – Alhamdulilah for the opportunities to work in unexpected but posh places and also do my work well
14/12/2015 – We live in a generation where you hardly know someone if you don’t know their favourite emoji