The Break and Everything Inbetween 2

A continuation from my first entry here

I practically changed my sleeping schedule to keep him ‘virtual’ company while he nursed his dad. His dad passed away without him even asking me to go see him. Yes, it was during the pandemic but asking is not a bad thing. I asked him to come over while I was at a work event so I could see for myself how he was doing, in his angry moment, he made that request seem like the dirtiest thing he had ever been asked. I had yet to feel like trash as an adult until this second experience of him. If that was his intention, he succeeded.

Do you know what I got out of all this? A stress injury because of texting. This guy NEVER called. Emotional and physical trauma because the onslaught of emotions was too much for me to bear. My chest ached every time I recalled this experience. Because of all this, I returned to spontaneous public and private meltdowns. My most memorable days of this were the breakdown at DFCU Bank, my workplace and a field trip to Kasese. 

One morning at work; it hit me that I should have stayed home because I was not emotionally well to function as an employee. My heart ached so much that my eyes smarted from the tears I was trying to hold back. I took a bathroom break to cry and then returned to my workstation. Then came the field trip to Kasese. While there, my colleague kept asking, ‘Shanah, what is wrong?’, she asked this more than once for two days. On the second day, I told her not to ask me again. That night, after I returned to my room, I broke down because of the implication of his leaving the country without telling me. It felt like the worst betrayal ever. I had not done anything wrong to this person for him to act this way nor treat me this way. 

After crying for over two hours, I took a sleeping agent to calm my nerves. The last thing I wanted was to fall sick because of the intense emotional distress and being so far from home.  

You would think I was done with tears, no? I had one more flood left in me. I went to DFCU Bank, Ntinda branch to withdraw money. I found the bank closed. I had come from far. I needed the money. I did not have any other day to make the trip again. The frustration of this and everything bad I was dealing with brought on a public breakdown. I cried and sobbed like I had lost someone. The sob fest included snot, strained veins on the head and sweat. The attendants had to open the bank because I was becoming a public spectacle. They took me inside, gave me some water, asked me what was going on. Eh! I cried through all their questions and attempts to comfort me for over thirty minutes. 

Ten months in 2022 were spent feeling the ugly feelings and trying to work through it all so my depression does not worsen. The stress injury does persist when I text anyone for longer than five minutes, and I abandoned prayer. Other than that, I am doing well emotionally and mentally. I may not have published anything in this space for two years but everything that happened between then and now is in my journal. 2023 raked me over the coals, too. But I firmly believe that all that I went through in 2022 gave me the fortitude to handle everything that I experienced last year.  

We can conclusively say that he is the one who was never ready, that is, if he does not have a sadistic streak. In all consciousness, no one deserves to be treated so shabbily especially when they are pure of heart. 

The Break and Everything Inbetween...

TWITTER: @chrislil_gh

Two years ago, I took an abrupt break from publishing in this space. It feels like a lifetime. Reading through old posts to find my footing brought back tons of mixed emotions especially with the entries of 2021. There is a lot of dirty water under the bridge to muck through while I go about acquainting myself with Simply Shanah (the blog), and the readers that leave comments.  

Are you EVER ready? 

That title marked my last entry in 2021. At the time; it was a cover for what I was going through. what I wanted to write about but could not. I allude to this in the last sentence of the post.

Time has been kind to this wound. It is no longer sore; I can talk about it without breaking into tears; it no longer has the sting of a fresh wound. I will pinch the emotional scab a little. By the way; pinching at scabs is one of my nervous gestures though I do it mostly on my lips. 

Well, I have tried to love the same man twice! Only a handful of people knew this. Both times have been mired in terrible heartbreak. This last time; after I had dealt with the hurt and the pain, I came to the realization that God probably made this person for the purpose of letting me know that a human, I have met in my adult life, has the potential to do away with me, if I am not careful. I wholeheartedly believe this. Nothing can explain why someone comes to another party (who is minding her single business) with declarations of love only to sustain that person in months long texts and eventually ghosting the person. Not once but twice. 

Initially, I was friends with this person. We vibed as friends. I never held any romantic ideation where he was concerned. But I am such a hermit. I take forever to date, and I can honestly say that I have no idea how to relate romantically. 2015 was the one year I tried this dating and being in a relationship with a son of Adam. It did not end that well because we argued a lot, conversations were strained. We drifted apart. 2018; this guy makes his first declaration in one of the worst years of my life, as an adult. It was the year I had the accident. Midway through my recuperation, he ghosted. Who does that? I was physically and emotionally broken. I do not know how I got through that year because I was convinced that I would not make it to 2019. 

Surprisingly, I did. I have had the honor of making some good friends as an adult. One friend in particular kept checking on me, I talked it over and over with my ride or die sister and I survived this horrible experience. I should have let sleeping dogs lie, no? I have countable friends and this person is the one person who knew all the milestones of my life, outside my closest circle of friends. I reached out to him. I told him how deeply he had hurt me and that if his feelings had changed, all he had to do was tell me because I valued our friendship. Another thing I have realized since 2018 is that I value friendships 100 percent while some value their friendship with me at 1 percent. 

He apologised. We flowed once again like we had not spoken to each other in one and a half years. Outside my immediate family, he made my two weeks of hospitalization in 2020 a bearable experience. Late 2020; he kept hinting at his feelings, littering terms of endearment here and there but not being outright until early 2021. I was very shocked to receive a heartfelt hearts day text. From then on it was touch and go. My intuition kept rearing its ugly head, I would tell him my fears and he would brush them off. At the end of it all, my fears did come to life. He not only ghosted me but left the country without so much as a by your leave my way. What made this incredibly hard is the way I found out. I found out from a friend...

To be continued

He Called Her At Midnight

"She looks so sad."

"That is one beautiful drawing, what inspired it?"

"Weren't you afraid to show such naked emotion in a design?"

These were some of the comments and questions raised by her visitors. The ones she deigned to let across the front door for she was a private person and valued her solitude. Her hand shook slightly as her index finger traced the lines of a heart-shaped face, big eyes full of incomprehensible sorrow and pink lips pursed in disdain. Save for the pink lips; black encompassed the piece and put forth the emotions that could never be hidden even after the passage of time. 

Looking at her, so dark and laden with emotions; the events leading to her  existence unfolded before her eyes. It took a great deal of effort to bring herself back from the abyss the breakup with Max had thrown her into. There had been days when her despair was too potent for her to get through, days where she turned up to work in full black because that was the only way she could explain her mood and dressing required a lot more effort than she had. Days where she would take constant bathroom breaks at work just to shed the tears in her heart. When the pain was too intense and breathing had become a chore. 

Time was indeed the healer of all wounds. To be able to look back on all that pain and feel a slight niggle of disappointment in the people they failed to be for each other attested to her emotional state. She was even crazier for entertaining the thought of seeing him again. 

“Had he changed? Would he notice the woman she had become? Had their time apart been as hard for him as it had for her at the beginning?” All these questions rotated in her mind like a spinning wheel and almost made it impossible for her to return to the task at hand. One thing was certain, Max was hurting and needed her. That is all that mattered, for now. 

Alexandra gave the piece one last glance and put it back on the mantle. Looking at her work from this vantage point gave her a level of satisfaction she could never get enough of. Art has always been there for her; even in her darkest days, she could rely on it to bring her back from the depths of despair. 

Dawn was soon breaking and she needed to put the finishing touches to the draft she was currently working on for a close friend. He had commissioned a piece from her on a whim so she wanted to knock his socks off with her artistic interpretation of his name. A smile crossed her face as she thought of him. 

Liam. He had came into her life when she least wanted to form lasting ties with anyone let alone a man yet couldn’t turn down his offer of friendship.

My 2015

The year is a stone’s throwaway from coming to an end and I couldn’t be anymore glad to see it go. 2015 has been exceptionally hard in ways I never ever thought would be so much so that concentrating on the good in each day was a chore as the passed by.
Along the way; I made a lot of decisions that so far are turning out for the better. I hope they hold for times to come. Regardless of my mood and emotional chaos, there were a few smile inducing moments in my darkest of days even if I had to edit this compilation several times!

02/06/2015 – Gainful employment gives me a sense of fulfilment I am beginning to love. Alhamdulilah for the abundant opportunities.
06/06/2015 – Finding my bank statement with a heavy account balance made me happy
08/06/2015 – Finally got my letter of appointment to gainful employment!
09/06/2015 – Mentally planning a shopping trip is as taxing as the actual exercise.
10/06/2015 – Helped my male supervisors set up their skype accounts and seeing them make their first call was a sight to behold.
12/06/2015 – Shopping is as fun as being financially independent
14/06/2015 – Beautifully Fierce has 269 Likes
17/06/2015 – Three day trip to Nebbi was an incredible experience!
22/06/2015 – Picked up my iPhone
26/06/2015 – Every time I see him, I know without a doubt we would be married in another life
11/07/2015 – Lunch date with my girl Shar
14/07/2015 – That moment when you jokingly solicit a date from your crush and he accepts!
15/07/2015 – Conversations with Shree are always good catch up sessions
18/07/2015 – Paying it forward is one of the most rewarding feelings in life especially when you are in position to do so.
25/07/2015 – A surprise visit from aunt Djamilah is always welcome
27/07/2015 – The work website is finally up!
28/07/2015 – I love my job and the opportunities that come with it
8/08/2015 – When you realize some things are not meant to be and get rid off what connected and held you to them.
9/08/2015 – It is time for a cleansing of sorts. A beginning for fresh thoughts, new people and memories
15/08/2015 – Mayi’s introduction ceremony proved to be a fantastic day for catching up with the cousins.
16/08/2015 – I never turn away people who reach out to me unless in a bad mood.
21/08/2015 – Liking men in whatever way shouldn’t interfere with ones career goals.
23/08/2015 – Memories fade but they cannot fade as fast if we keep holding onto reminders of what used to be.
28/08/2015 – The ‘talk’ with my male Supervisor
30/08/2015 – When it comes to matters of the heart, only God knows.
31/08/2015 – Sad’s first anniversary.
05/09/2015 – A perfect lunch with my girl Shar and Indian cuisine as accompaniment. 
18/09/2015 – 5 am art grind! These are the moments I live for
19/09/2015 – Seeing Belle engaged brought tears to my eyes. She looked so gorgeous.
23/09/2015 – The past never has anything new to tell
25/09/2015 – I know where I want my life to go. I may not be there yet but I do know where it is heading.
30/09/2015 – Mariam Nan’s advice has never led me astray.
1/10/2015 – Created Shanah Off Duty for my art.
02/10/2015 – It feels great to have one of my best friends (Belle) back after her wedding!
12/10/2015 – Field trip to Kamuli. The source of the Nile is breathtaking to say the least.
16/10/2015 – Completed my first art piece for Shanah Off Duty in black and white.
18/10/2015 – Spending the day looking into the eyes of a beautiful little human. My baby’s baby is a pretty little thing
19/10/2015 – Shakira’s prayer for me touched my heart. Everyone needs a friend like this in their lives.
26/10/2015 – My savings are slowly coming together.
30/10/2015 – I need to make me happy for now. Forever.
31/10/2015 – Visit from my girl Emma.
- Another drawing added onto my collection.
04/11/2015 – Memorial prayers for the tenth anniversary of my grandfather’s death and five years of Simply Shanah.
05/11/2015 – The realization that I never want to be an after thought to someone God chooses for me.
15/11/2015 – You know you are done with someone when you tear the pages filled with their name out of your journal
- Baby Ihsaan’s birth. A little mini me for my brother!
19/11/2015 – There is nothing as fulfilling as giving back to children with disabilities
20/11/2015 – A day that went from bleak to promising in a moment
21/11/2015 – Last lunch of the year with bestie capped off with running into one of my favourite men
25/11/2015 – To know someone has a crush on you in one of your darkest moments is the best validation one can ever receive
08/12/2015 – Trip to Tororo. The urge to write is slowly returning to my thoughts
11/12/2015 – Alhamdulilah for the opportunities to work in unexpected but posh places and also do my work well
14/12/2015 – We live in a generation where you hardly know someone if you don’t know their favourite emoji

Acquaintances

The days you cross my mind make me

wish we were the kind of friends who told each other anything and everything.

The kind that would laugh at shared inner jokes, 

Revel in shared silences as we savored the memories and experiences that bound us.

But we are nothing more than strangers with shared thoughts 

And  a minute to weave the bond of acquaintances.

Shanah

We Don't Always Get What We Wish For... 08/11/2014

I wish he'd let me forget him.

I wish I'd had 6months to a year to get over him and the feelings he arouses in me.

I wish he'd never reached out at a point where his name was becoming a distant memory.

I wish I never felt this way about him knowing it cannot be.

I wish I didn't have to deal with the thought of 'us' again when I'd just buried it.

I wish my heart didn't ache with thoughts of him.

I wish I had the strength to cut him out of my life once and for all.

And most of all; I wish he wasn't who is.

It'd make the loss of him much easier.

But we don't always get what we wish for.

 Xx Shanah.

I have this habit of making little notes on my phone 50% of the time because it is always at hand and this is one of them. The downside of writing on the phone is the lack of time to make necessary transfers. I get to it a little later than I should. The notes are either deleted or sequestered away on email but often deleted during general clean up sessions at the end of the year when the feelings/mood that inspired them is nonexistent.

Over It!

First and foremost, I’d like to thank everyone for the anniversary greets. Most of you almost made me wish it were my birthday instead. Thank you.
I am on leave from work until further notice and loving it because I get to be a couch potato and catch up on most of my favourite shows on telly. Old reruns of Grey’s Anatomy, Glee (which I shall sorely miss as it comes to an end after next season) a season of Made In Chelsea, Beauty and The Beast 2.0. Speaking of Beauty and The Beast 2.0, I’m not that huge a fan of Kristin Kreuk since her Lana Lang days. I, basically, stopped watching Smallville the season Clark Kent chose to save her instead of his dad. I felt he should have saved his dad, after all she moved on to date Lex Luthor. Who does that? Anyway, she is growing on me as Cat (although she is such a nag in season 2) in Beauty and The Beast 2.0 and Jay Ryan isn’t that bad to look at either.
I don’t know if this is good fortune, but, there is a channel showing reruns of Beauty and The Beast 1.0. The only recollections I had of bad ass Linda Hamilton are the ones stemming from her Terminator days as Sarah Connor. With these aired reruns,  I get to see her before work with Ron Perlman, judge and also marvel at the wonders of technology between then and now.
 BATB 2.0 is so dated and totally relevant to my generation. The subtle references to pop culture, social media and JT’s dry comebacks make it watchable. I have friends who hate it apparently and my brother thinks they should have stuck with the fairy-tale plot of it like in the cartoon. If beast in BATB 2.0 is a result of an experiment, then how about the original one? Why or what made him into a beast?
You know; when you have a lot of time on hand, you begin to reflect and realize a few things. It is through these realizations that we grow into the people we want to be or who we are. I have had a lot of time to know without a doubt that I am so over some friendships. We all know a friendship is a two way street so why expect me to walk it alone? I’m over that. You can only do so much for the people you think you care about. No wonder I edit my contacts every year end. To be honest – the fewer friends the better. And, the one or so few friends that make time for you are the good friends you should keep around. No dead weight!

Fan Fact: Beauty and The Beast 1.0 is 22 years old! Can you believe that?

Random Act Of Kindness: The School Experience.

Once in awhile, keeping; time, mood and nothing to do constant, I do a random act of kindness for some of my friends provided it is within my power and reason.
The request for this act of kindness came in form of a Facebook message from, Zacky. He needed help writing about a school experience-something i had never done before.
I asked for all the pertinent information which would make a skeleton of how it would shape up but just like a guy, he wasn’t so forthcoming yet it was about his school.
After my promise to help out; I felt like backing out on more than one occasion. There was hardly any information to go on and picking my girl Shar’s brain showed how off topic what I had come up with was. I remember asking her if two heads could be wrong?
I have the tendency to put stuff on hold after a failed first attempt and that’s what I did. Sleeping on it always gives you a clear mind and a new perspective the next day.
Since Zacky was hardly informative, the logical alternative was to draw from my own school experience- how I felt, loved and remember about it. I thought, ‘if it were me in his shoes, what would I write or talk about?’
I still wanted to chicken out, thought better of it and took the plunge. Putting that thinking cap on led to the creation of something I liked at the last minute. And best of all, he liked it too.
There goes my random act of kindness.