A Year Older.

I turned a year older on the 22nd of May. Am I a little wiser? Smarter? Not in the least but a whole lot better emotionally and mentally.

Getting older last year was such a source of turmoil that to look back on it and not feel a pinch of the emotions it wrought is a blessing in itself.

I've never been filled with so much despair and impotence over my lot in life nor have I ever failed at everything I attempted to do more than I did last year.

The year itself was a full study in patience that when it came down to the crunch; there was nothing to do except bend. To the will of God and life itself. I discovered that a person can only try so much without losing themselves in the process. So I caved. I accepted the situations as they arose and left the rest to God. 

The funny thing about life is that turning points happen when you're in a different frame of mind. By then; I was firmly into acceptance of the way things were that when the turning point came; I didn't know whether to laugh or just crumble into a little heap and weep. 

I did neither of those nor did I express any form of excitement. I guess I was still caught up in disbelief that by the time it wore off and contract signed (this year), the little window of excitement had become shut. 

After 9 months of failed attempts, I became gainfully employed. Inasmuch as it was a hard year, the ending was absolutely perfect. It made me realize how nice it is to end a year with a promise. A little bit of hope to hold on and look forward to in the future. 

Alhamdulilah to another year. For the gift of life and chance to do better and be better. All I ask for this year is patience - with myself mostly.

Aside from that; my life, right now, may not be as perfect as people think it should be but it's enough.

Birthday Blues

Last month was my birthday and this time round it didn't go without a bit of pomp and circumstance. I was imbued with poor health throughout the month that the excitement was at an all time low. But alas; I managed to celebrate it poor health and all.
For the first time in my life, I had the birthday blues. My heart ground to a stop and started to beat faster as I thought over my lack of accomplishments. To date, the only expensive things I hold are my life and education.
I was in such a panic! I felt this past birthday marked the beginning of the end for my life. The proverbial clock (not maternal) had literally started ticking. As much as I would love to go out and conquer the world to my satisfaction; there is so much one person can do and I can't do it all.
It is there and then that I decided to be good and do good. If my good deeds before weren't enough the ones henceforth would hold water as I prepare for my end whenever it may come. The saddest thing in my books would be leaving this world without the gift of a little human for people to remember me by.