Plus One

It has been a year since I composed this  under the influence of a sugar high and poor health. I was so chafed to see it in today's Facebook memories because I have been anxiously anticipating its revival, in a good way.

I still want to be someone's pain in the ass but maybe not exactly at this point in time. A later date or year or months when I am emotionally and mentally in a good place... possibly.

At this point in time:
I'd love nothing better than to be someone's plus one,
I want to be pampered,
I want to be cosseted,
I want to be a sugar-babe :(
I really miss the 3 am texting,
The ordained time for a soul-soul connection,
When insomnia was more of a friend than enemy,
I want to be someone's pain in the ass,
In the name of love!

Shanah

Walks Down Memory Lane

In the recuperation period  of a recent traumatic event I experienced, I find myself adding on a Facebook break because of my need to detach. Not only am I dealing with the reparation of broken bones but also the disappointment and sorrow that comes with matters of the heart.

Ever since 2015; which I diligently documented here when the feelings weren't so raw, I consciously took a break from dating, liking and entertaining thoughts of me on the arm of a significant other until I was both mentally and emotionally strong. The road to single girl business hasn't been all that smooth considering the fact that last year, many of society's voices were in my ear over my lack of a significant other. It has never been easy being a girl more so since our achievements are still measured by the yardstick of the fruits of our womb if not the man by our side. I took all criticism and well meaning "advice" in stride and much as it bogged me down and made me question my noteworthy accomplishments, I shook it off in a matter of months and continued with the derivative pleasure of single girl business until a two-legged human that wears pants and shorts on a permanent basis decided to interrupt.

Clearly; there is no rest for the weary because in a perfect world, someone in my current situation would be dealing with one problem, not two. Life is that funny. After two years of single girl business, being alone but not lonely, I promised myself to try but wasn't actively searching. No. I left all that to God and any man or woman kind enough to hook me up with their friends albeit at my inconvenience.

Then came the declaration I never expected to hear in my lifetime. I resolved to give the declarer a chance because I thought he knew what he wanted (he sounded it because I believed him for those two months) until I spotted emerging traits of behaviour that precipitated my depression and led to my prior decision, the decision to stay single until someone that cares enough for me and actually means it comes along.

Whichever way I look at it; I do not think I am asking for too much from someone I choose to love or vice-versa but it seems to be for the people I give chances to. I have never relished the thought of being an after thought to someone I choose to love and I do not expect them to treat me as such but alas, that is the way they want the cookie to crumble and I refuse to settle.

I was having a repeat performance of 2015 whereby I watched this person be active on social media without as much as "hello" to me in the morning or a "how was your day in the evening", at least every other day because I do not expect someone to be texting me on a daily basis. It hurt a lot back then and it still hurts. That is the behaviour I have been putting up with for close to a month and seeing it killed me every fuckin day. I spent a full weekend in tears over the disappointment in myself and knew that if I do not mitigate before I spiralled, I would lose myself along the way yet I had put a lot of work on my emotional and mental health to let myself drown into an abyss once again.  This informed my decision to deactivate my account, take time off to neutralize feelings, fully detach and leave him to concentrate on the people he cares for enough to mean it.
How am I supposed to heal broken bones with a broken spirit? I need to look out for me since I am only good enough for myself and no one else. Until I come first for the person that chooses to love me and actually shows; I am not settling, even if it means becoming the spinster aunt I find myself resigned to.

I hope to fruitfully use the time off Facebook and Twitter to build my spirit and engage in activities I let slip like reading and writing. I missed this space and the flow of words.

Birthday Blues

Last month was my birthday and this time round it didn't go without a bit of pomp and circumstance. I was imbued with poor health throughout the month that the excitement was at an all time low. But alas; I managed to celebrate it poor health and all.
For the first time in my life, I had the birthday blues. My heart ground to a stop and started to beat faster as I thought over my lack of accomplishments. To date, the only expensive things I hold are my life and education.
I was in such a panic! I felt this past birthday marked the beginning of the end for my life. The proverbial clock (not maternal) had literally started ticking. As much as I would love to go out and conquer the world to my satisfaction; there is so much one person can do and I can't do it all.
It is there and then that I decided to be good and do good. If my good deeds before weren't enough the ones henceforth would hold water as I prepare for my end whenever it may come. The saddest thing in my books would be leaving this world without the gift of a little human for people to remember me by.

An Illusion Of The Thing... Love!

I drew the above picture after a day of celebrating love between my cousin and her life partner of choice.

When I drew it, it was thoughtless and unintentional because it resides on the pages of my journal and ever since drawing it: I've never taken the time to question why? Did I draw it because I want to be in love? Is it a euphoric residue after seeing people celebrate love or am I just taken up by the concept of finding love than actually being in love?

I don't know. 

All these questions took my mind back to a month or so where one of my best friends said I was falling in love (with one of the hardest persons I've had the misfortune to fancy) and it woke me up! Her thoughts made me take a hard look at the situation, the person and it made me realize that if I was falling in love, I didn't want to fall freely, stupidly and settle for crumbs. No.

'Before you fall, take a hard look at where you're falling then you will know how to fall.' That quote went through my head as I mentally laid everything on the table. I knew without a doubt I am too good to settle for a person who treats me like an after thought, an ego-stroker, someone who makes me feel like I am trying to scale down the Great Wall of China with a fork in every conversation. To sum it up like a dog chasing after the elusive bone.

I've hurt more these past months than I've ever hurt for somebody, fallen into a depression I last suffered two years ago for something or someone that is really just an illusion of the thing - a concept.

Recently, I came across someone who thought that my being single is for lack of opportunity. How I laughed! For a girl to be single is not lack of opportunity, it is knowing what she wants and the decision to not settle for what's on offer especially if it doesn't give her room for growth. We may not have a say in who we fall for but we do have a say in who and what we finally settle for. That choice is up to us at the end of the day.

Whether concept, illusion or the real thing, I do know without a doubt that the next time I decide to fall for someone; it best be on my terms. Yes! I'd like to wake up to and be on the receiving end of 'good morning', 'how is your day', good night' texts that I will reply to six hours later if I feel like it and phone calls I wouldn't deign to pick nor respond to because I am busy! Busy seeing you blow up my phone while my heart is doing a jig for having an unsolicited ego-stroker who I can get back to when it suits me. That includes a fortnight. Thank you. 

On a serious note though; I may not know what I want or what being in love is like or if I am ready for it... Whatever. What I do know is I'd like it to be an easy fall. A mutual meeting of two lonely souls that appreciate one another enough to share the experience and wonderment of it all. The euphoria, nostalgia and melancholy as well as the little pinches that come with having divergent views and opinions. As long as we both know and look at each other with love at the end of a hard day. With gazes that will remind us of why we fell, settled and loved one another in the beginning.

Like I scribbled on the drawing: it ain't gotta be perfect as long as it is real and   mutual.

The Alchemist…FINALLY!

 I finally got round to reading Paulo Coelho’s The Alchemist. I am proud of myself considering the fact it has taken me almost three years since I said I would? The first time I failed because it was an audio book which didn’t work for me. There is no question mark against Morgan Freeman’s voice. I am simply a paperback girl. I decided to wait until I could get my hands on either a soft copy that is Ebook or paperback.

I downloaded the Ebook version, sat on it for months and remembered it after all the fluff reading I had done. I have to say it is a very good book. It reminds us of what we already know, think and teaches us more. I don’t know if any of you believe in omens but I do. I believe in a cock’s crow, the black and white lizard and the odd bird poop on your person. It never crossed my mind that butterflies and crickets are good omens. In fact, I thought otherwise. The book talks so much of believing and following omens such as butterflies etc implying they are good omens and how you must always look out for them to guide you on to the right path in your quest to achieving your dreams.

Essentially, it is about dreams -the beauty of following them and believing in your heart and yourself. We were all created with an intention and a purpose. He talks about Santiago’s journey as a Shepherd from the mountains of Spain to the pyramids of Egypt in search of his treasure. The struggles he faced, lessons he learnt just to achieve his dream, how he finally becomes The Alchemist and also later finds his treasure in the one place he left in the beginning.

I found it quite relative and reflective of human nature. We all have dreams, the strong are the ones who follow their hearts and fulfil their dreams whilst the weak are the ones who sit on them or give up once they encounter obstacles as it says, ‘Before a dream is realised, The Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so we can learn, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we have learned as we’ve moved toward that dream. That’s the point at which most people give up.’ and at the end of it all blame the world for all our failures. I can’t say it had a huge impact on me, it was more like an affirmation of what I already know and then some.

The book has so many quotable quotes and profound texts but for me it has to be, ‘Be aware of the place where you are brought to tears…’ Reading this reminded me of the conversation I had with my sister and the post I did about dreams here. I cried during that text session like no man’s business. And the quote brought back the same emotions and a little tear to my eyes. Dreams are everything, they are the driving force behind who we are and without them, we are nothing.You can decide to be like the Arab crystal seller whose dream is to go to Mecca- he’d rather dream about the possibility, work towards it and not see it through because he doesn’t want to find another dream or be like Santiago and go after what you want.

I do recommend the book if you have not had the pleasure of reading it. What next as regards my reading list? I guess Don Quixote. It sounds English which I love. I think English (British) writers are the best!! My aunt recommended it. On to the business of looking for it.

…It hurts to dream…

I had the most candid of conversations this past week with one of my sisters. The kind where you let your heart speak for itself without interruptions from logic-for once. It got me tearing up a few times cause of what it meant (I am the sort people come to not the type that seeks others) and made me wonder if she felt it since we were Instant Messaging. This might strike you as strange but whenever I am chatting via Instant Message, I always wonder if the other party is able to detect my mood from the replies or tone?

To get back to the subject…This conversation was about dreams…I don’t want to elaborate on it so this quote will say it all. ‘As much as it is good to dream. Sometimes, it HURTS to dream.’

Aside from that…One of my good friends gave me his cross-body bag because I liked it. I love! Love! friends like these. He neither hesitated nor grumbled about it except he made a promise to leave it to me when he leaves the country. I like it because it was a little large and roomy enough to hold my mini laptop along with some of my ‘can’t do without’ junk. As I write this post, the bag is in my possession!

…I have been ill for a while but getting better, Thankfully. I feel it. When I am sick, I miss looking cute and being the ‘exotic flower’ as my mum calls me. It is one of the first things I think about when I am coherent enough to make sense of my thoughts…pretty girl problems!

Lots of love to all of my friends who take time out to come visit, text and post on my facebook wall simply to check on me. I love each and everyone of you.

The Law Of Attraction.

I have been having many of those nights where sleep eludes you and you just end up lying in bed thinking about your life. On one of those unfortunate or fortunate nights, I reflected on my life; where it was headed, what I had so far achieved and would like to achieve. I thought more on what it is I want to happen in my life and the methods of which I was to make this a reality.

Extra thoughts on the methods of achievement brought to mind "The Law Of Attraction" from the famous book "The Secret" written by Rhonda Byrne. According to the book, "The Law Of Attraction" is obedient to our thoughts and that the universe gives us what we want or think of the most; be it positive or negative.  Of course these are neither the exact words nor phrasing but that is the message the book puts across.

Think about what you really want the most, believe that it can happen and visualize…then it will happen. Do not concentrate on what you don't want to happen because that is what the universe will give you. The book states we spend so much time and thought on negativity; thinking of what we don't want to happen which of course ends up happening because of what we put out in terms of thought.

So, I would like a lot of good things to happen for me in my life especially a strengthening in my faith. I feel that I am slowly falling off the straight and narrow which is not good. Much as I try, I just cannot get to my desired level of spiritual fulfillment. I don't know if you all go through this because I am and I don't know what to do. It is due to this and a host of other things that I would like to happen that I have made the decision to try out "The Law Of Attraction". I have also been playing with the idea of creating a vision board to help me visualize but I won't. My family will be too inquisitive which I hate. I hate having to explain myself. For now, a list of what I would like to happen will suffice.

One of my best friends told me it works and I believe her. On that note, y'all try it and experience it for yourselves.

Ps: For those that haven't read the book yet please do. It gives a totally new aspect on life and our thoughts. "We are what we think we are."

Anxiety.

So many ideas swirling in my head. It makes me a little anxious about making them happen because; if I take the plunge, I'd like for it to be a success. I am so confused about them and it is hard to decide on which idea to settle on because they are both viable from my point of view and great. Huh! I hope I can come to a decision soon and that it is the right decision. Hopefully, when I do,  I am able to see which ever I decide on to completion and fruition. And that Allah is on my side.

Aside from that, one of my brothers' old friend  just returned for a visit after years away. Hearing about him makes me a little excited and anxious at the same time. I don't understand why I feel this way but it is what it is.

He is one of those guys you would look at and smile back then (don't really know how he looks like now). What I know is back then, I used to look at him and tell myself that I could have a crush on him if I wanted! Like we can decide on who to crush on but then again, we can after all we can decide on who to love!

Website Take 2!

I hit a snug in the building process when it came to getting it hosted and tested. I found out that getting a website hosted here is quiet expensive especially the monthly charges. I put hosting it on the back burner while I looked around for other avenues like getting free hosts for a year, but that would have meant me having to change the domain name and of course hosting websites which would not be cool. I let the idea rest for quite a few months….
I got the absolutely best news today! It inspired the artist in me! So, I had a talk with a family friend. He asked what my plans were since I am done with school and studied Information technology. The talk touched on my idea of having a website and how I had to let go of the idea for a while because hosting fees were steep.
Apparently, internet business is the way to go in this age (I knew that) and he liked my idea of building a personal website. He had a lot of suggestions to make and ideas to give that I was so inspired. He said I could make the website then get it hosted abroad because their hosting fees are so little or at least pocket friendly…How cool is that? That never occurred to me at all.
Thinking about it makes me more excited with the idea and all the pros that come with getting it hosted somewhere else and not in my home country. The internet connection here is so poor yet we are charged an arm and a leg for poor service. The people are shamelessly brave when it comes to delivering poor services to paying customers. All they care about is their bottom line and not your professionalism.
The more I think about it the more convinced I get. So… now, I am going back to the drawing board and re-start on the whole design and layout. I want my website to bring in lots of traffic so I can reap off the time and investment I will put into it. I would like it to be more professional and interesting. I have to have kick ass content because I would like it to be Fabulous and Fun like its creator!
Wish me luck y'all. I hope to get it hosted and share it with you. Fingers crossed.
  

Resolutions.

Its 11pm and I absolutely can't sleep. A lot is weighing on my mind and I don't know why. The urge to write has completely taken over me and the good thing is, it helps when I write.

The year is coming to an end within a week's time. I look back on some of the resolutions that I made for 2010 and realize that, I accomplished fewer than I had intended/made.

They say a 'resolution' should be an achievable goal that is supposed to improve on your life or being. Something that will bring personal gratification and fulfillment. That we should all resolve to do things that we will be able to accomplish within a specific time frame. Things that we put off due to lack of time or motivation to finish.

I realize that resolutions have no specific time frame that is neither an end nor a beginning; people will still make the same resolution year in and year out hoping to finally fulfill it. If someone doesn't have the desire to accomplish a goal they had set aside for themselves, what's the use in making them at all? Because a goal is supposed to give your life purpose and the vision to achieve it.

Some people don't believe in resolutions. They say, 'why make a plan for myself when God already has plans for me?' I find that totally lacking in zeal/spirit. The desire one has to accomplish their own goals. Goals that will bring personal fulfillment. There is something satisfying about achieving the unattainable.

I find that failure to make plans for oneself shows a total lack of character or weakness within a person. What's wrong with making your plans alongside God's plans for you? Besides, we never know what God has planned for us and it is kind of risky to leave everything to chance, when we all know that God helps those who help themselves.

Starting a blog is something I never believed I would carry off despite my love for writing, neither did I think I'll actually put it out there but, hey, am happy about it and it gives me joy.

However big or small your resolution is for 2011; don't fail to write it down as a goal. You may have the spirit within you to accomplish it and the satisfaction will be beyond your imagination. The feeling you get when you've acquired and achieved everything you ever wanted is the best you'll ever have. Go for it and don't be afraid to make your resolutions no matter what.

 

xxxShanahxxx

Ps: Wrote this a week to the end of 2010. Did not want to change it.