Past Re-collections

Me checking out the statue of our former President Sir Milton Obote

I chanced upon a post from a twitter follower about her 2018 mid-year review. Her post reminded me of my promise to keep a gratitude journal to help me focus on the positive and dwell not on the lemons life handed me. I admit; I lost my way after 2015 and it has been a lot of work trying to find myself again. I derived a lot of pleasure in keeping a gratitude journal and sharing it in that I was driven to leaf through my collections for 2017. I spent equal measures of 2017 terrified of death and worried over the state of my health. I lost 3 people within my immediate family and a close friend to both of my best friends. Those surprise deaths shook me to the core and exhibited the fragility of life. To date; the possibility of death still lingers in my thoughts.

"Why not 2018, you ask?" 2018 is HARD at the moment. However; this is not a dreary post so I shan't make it as one. These were some of my thoughts and bits of gratitude for 2017.

January

Alhamdulilah for the opportunity to work and earn a living.

I was involved in a documentary talking about issues affecting Women with Disabilities at national level.

When you get the chance to be good and do good for someone don't let it spill out of your hands.

The Story of You - Poem

February

I received and signed the work contract

Dear Girl - Poem

Artistic inspiration struck after 3 months. Alhamdulilah for my talent

March

You Don't Know Me Enough - Poem

Impressed with my "Expression of Happiness."

Inked my "Expression of Happiness" and the details came to me slowly but surely

"Write - when the words are ready to be written and flow without effort."

April

We Have No Say Over - Poem

May

Online interview

Even In Love - Poem

Thank God for good company and the ability to take oneself out

My obsession with Korean Dramas was resurrected with the discovery of kissasian.com

"Every girl deserves a guy who tells her that her smile blinds his sight." I wish we had met at a different time

Surprise birthday cake from the sister and brother-in-law

Spent the day in the company of a man. May it be a better year. Ameen

BIRTHDAY! Alhamdulilah for another year

July

I had the most wonderful dream that gave me a little hope.

My opinion made it to the news dailies.

July never fails to make me feel like the loneliest soul in the world

August

Work trip to Apac and Lira where I met the most inspiring woman with a disability and paid a trip to the home of Sir Milton Obote

Life may not be as perfect as it should be but it is totally OK at the moment

It is a shame that the people we care for never hold us in the same regard

September

"Vanity is making feeble attempts at not looking too helpless and sick in front of your lover." - Temptation

I had kind of hoped you would be my ocean

I almost told you before it went awry

I guess, I was wrong.

Busy week! Busy Month!

Goodbye September. You were quite a hard month but I managed to muddle through it

October

Your Face On Mine - Poem

Its sad having to watch everyone's ship arrive but your own. Even sadder is the fact that it may never arrive.

I'm more terrified of death as an adult than I ever was as a youth

I miss the innocence of youth

November

I have lost so many people this year that I keep wondering who the next person to go might be

Her Mother - Poem

Yoga fix got my thighs looking smaller!

Happy to have more responsibility at work

December

Moments - Poem

Weddings make me sad

The innocence of youth is believing in your dreams with infinite faith that they shall come to pass. Never knowing that life interrupts the best laid plans and that nothing ever turns out the way we thought it would.

He Called Her At Midnight

There it was. The invite. A chance to step into his world again. She had kept it at the back of her mind that they would cross paths, but, never thought of the manner in which it would happen. Not this way, anyway.

Alexandra took stock of her surroundings with a cursory glance at the design she was currently working on. She had done good by herself. It had been hard, but, in the five years of their separation; she had chased the career she'd desired and went on to become the most sought after graphic design artists in New York. Everything around her gave her a sense of pride and fulfilment she'd never expected to have without him by her side. It meant that much more that she had succeeded on her own.

"Alexandra?" are you still there?"

Max's voice brought her back from her little reverie. He needed an answer and she needed to see him again, if only to see how he was holding up.

"Yes. I can come over, just not tonight. I'm under a tight deadline and I can't interrupt the creative process at this moment. Can you give me two days from now?", she asked?

"It'd mean a lot to me if you could make it tonight, please. Think about it."

With that entreaty, Max hang up.

Alexandra listened to the incessant beep of the dial tone for awhile longer before she finally took the phone from her ear and looked at it in disbelief. It was so like Max to ask for something monumental and act like it wasn't a big deal. If he could be so nonchalant about it, so could she.

After hanging up, she made her way to the mantle holding all the accolades she had received in the five years. Fine things. Appreciation for jobs well done and trophies from the Women's entrepreneurial groups on which she was a Board member. Encompassing all the trophies was the wall on which hang a few pictorial prints of her work. She unerringly reached for the largest print on the wall and took it back with her to the work table.

"Beautyin Ugly". The one design that held more of a personal meaning to her than the rest of her designs. Its title and frame held secrets only she was aware of and never shared with anyone. Beauty in Ugly was a result of an onslaught of despondency and despair, on a night she never thought she'd be able to get through without him. The fateful day she broke up with Max, she had acted so cool and stoic in his presence yet her heart was breaking into pieces. Her staidness only got her far enough from his presence before the shattered pieces of her heart pricked through the facade.

He Called Her At Midnight

"Alexandra. I hope I didn't wake you", he said.
"No. I am up finalizing a design."
She heard him draw a deep albeit shaky breath. Like he was mentally bracing himself for what he was about to say. Hearing him do so put her on edge. The call itself had thrown her mind and emotions off kilter. To hear him do so before revealing his reasons for the late night phone call didn't bode well.
"Max... What's wrong?"
"Alexandra... She... I need you..."
Max was never a stutterer. If anything; he was the one person you could rest assured would find the right words, no matter the situation. His incoherent reply meant the situation was a lot worse than she could imagine.
"What is it?", she asked. "Tell it to me at once because you're scaring me."
With that; her thoughts raced over every possible situation that could get him to act this way. Try as she may; she couldn't find a plausible reason that would explain his current behavior. She was about to prod him for an explanation when his hushed words cut off her thoughts.
"Tessa died." He whispered over the phone. "She must have slipped out of the apartment while I was in the shower."
His change in tone denoted the gravity of the situation. A situation, it seemed, he couldn't bring himself to accept. Every word out of him came in slow, shaky tones that brooked no interruption.
Tears rushed to her eyes as she tried to stifle a sob while listening to the gory details. Marc- his next door neighbour, had found the little dog whimpering and covered in blood on the way back from his late night jog. He'd immediately scooped it up and rushed to Max's apartment after recognising her spotted tail.
Alexandra could only imagine what this loss would do to him. Tessa was his world. The last tangible link to a past he refused to let go of. The one thing he swore was the only good thing out of it. Knowing how much Tessa meant to him made her glad for the fact that they were able to share her last moments together - in the safe haven of his arms where she had known so much love and comfort.

You Never Cared

You never cared.
What I don't understand is why you're taking so much of my thoughts, lately?!
Why does your name pop up in my moments of sadness?
I shouldn't even ask this because you found me at my most vulnerable. As much as giving you the oars to my boat was freeing, you caused a lot more damage than I expected.
A year and half later; unmarred by your poor attempt at communication, why does your name suddenly pop up in my thoughts?
What you don't know is; the first quota of the year has been more than splendid my side. The one thing I've been unable to complain about is my life and all that's happening. In fact, I'm more appreciative of it-the way it is.
When your name pops up, it hangs like a shadow on the fringes of this happiness. I don't want that. I don't want anything to do with you casting shadows over my glow!
You never cared.
So, why does your name keep popping up in my thoughts?
I weaned myself off giving permanent feelings to temporary people, chasing nonexistent emotions and affection. Feelings and emotions that should come naturally with ease between people who actually care for one another. The girl you thought you knew reverted to the person she was before giving up her oars for you.
Knowing you never cared should be a barrier to your occupancy of my thoughts.

He Called Her At Midnight

He called her at midnight. She was so startled by the sound of her ringtone she could barely think beyond seeing his name flash across her phone screen. In that moment; she tried to recall the last time she'd talked to him and realized she could no longer place the sound of his voice. No matter how she tried, the voice she'd loved so much had faded from memory. With a furstrated sigh, she gave up and concentrated on the call.
Why was he calling now? Why today of all days?
It was almost five years to the day they said their final goodbye. The day she had looked into his vacant eyes and whispered 'goodbye' to him. Burying the love they shared along with it. That day was quite unforgetable that thinking about it now brought a slight chill to her arms. The air had been so frigid she had felt the chill down to her bones. Like God was freezing every fibre of her love for him in time, in a place she could no longer visit because of the memories.
Over the years; the chill had thawed to be replaced by a warmth she was beginning to revel in. Until his name flashed across her phone screen. She knew she couldn't let it ring intermittently, because when the love of your life calls, the call never goes unanswered. Alexandra took two deep breaths to still her racing thoughts and picked up the phone. "Hello? Alexandra, are you there?"
Every little scenario Alexandra had conjured up in the past five years couldnot prepare her for this moment. She had dreaded it ever since their goodbye. And now; it was finally upon her. The moment she would say 'hello' to him again. All the little scenarios and mental peptalks disappeared like ash beneath a strong wind, as memories of their time together chased each other across her mind, in preparation for the words that would let him back into her life.
"Hello."

Choice

We have no say over the memories people choose to keep of us.

We only have it over the feelings we evoke in them. 

Those last longer than the memories. 

x Shanah

His Hometown

Me trying out the local drink Kashera

I passed through his home town today.
I mentally kept checking out and off the landmarks I recalled him excitedly telling me about.
I listened with one ear as he went on and on about the prominent figures that belong to his hometown.
The delight he expressed in their ability to light it up during Christmas season and how much he loved it.
I was much more interested in seeing his eyes light up as he described the area.
The little smile that crossed his face at the rush of good memories.
Never did I imagine I would one day be in his part of the world.
Not only be in it but unable to tell him about it.
As I looked out for the places he mentioned,
I went back to that day; relived the memory and his excitement then snuffed out the onslaught of memories.
The sheer irony couldn't escape my nostalgia.
I was in the hometown of somebody I used to know. And I couldn't tell him about it.
Even if I wanted to.
The driver urged me to get in touch with him; tell him my experiences and how I love the lushness of the green here.
I couldn't.
I do not want to.
I no longer wish to be apart of the circus.
What people fail to understand is; the circus stops being entertaining at some point. One can only attend a few uncertain but adrenaline pumping shows before the amusement wears off.
As much as I am tempted, I am no longer interested.
I have outgrown a one man circus act.

Snippets

Fifth Anniversary!

Simply Shanah made five years! Wow!
I remember my very first post and the day I decided to put some of my life’s experiences on an open platform like it was yesterday. So many memories both good and bad, so many tear filled (but you wouldn’t know that), angry and depressive posts like life’s endless storms.

I chanced upon the above quote several months back and it made me re-think the purpose of Simply Shanah. It made me want to give it an overhaul, a different purpose and entirely a new focus. But that would have entailed losing a lot of who I am in black and white. The experiences I have been through that are just snippets on my journals and the little odd bits that I keep sharing. It is a true depiction of my life – all over the place and I wouldn’t change any of it anytime soon.
If I had gone through with the revamp, I wouldn’t be able to look back and gauge how much I have grown as a person in thought and writing. I also wouldn’t have concrete reminders of some of the painful situations in my life and how I overcame them. I mean; there is a period where there were hardly any depressed posts, well until recently of course. This is something because I am that girl… perpetually on the brink of depression and fortunately I have learnt how to deal with it more successfully than yesteryear.
Five years of Simply Shanah! If the feedback from friends and the readers is anything to go by; I have grown in my writing and the readership is amazing at this point. It takes a lot of energy to string together two words to form a coherent thought for a blog post and I admire those who do so on a regular basis unlike I. I barely have the time anymore and because of it my other baby is performing dismally.
Right now, at this moment in time, I am trying to get back to the basics and do what needs to be done especially for the things I care about most: this, my art and other baby not forgetting my French. Something was taking up too much of my time and it wasn’t in anyway constructive at all. In fact, I let myself be caught up in it and ended up losing the person I was before it. I am wholeheartedly trying to get back to that person because that girl knew who she was.
On that note; Happy happy anniversary to my first baby Simply Shanah!!! :) Thank you for reading and sharing the odd posts now and then.

Beauty In Ugly

I love saying that I never have thoughts during the creation process and for that matter cannot honestly tell anyone what inspired a piece. There is usually nothing to tell because most of my pieces never ever have back stories. They are simply the results of an imaginative mind.
However, this particular piece has a story. A story I didn’t want to share until a friend of mine asked when my next blog post would be. His question made me reflect on the draft hence the decision to share. To show that sometimes; it is OK to fall apart. To feel like the loneliest soul in the world without anyone to see you through except yourself. So, here goes nothing.
Her misfortune was being worked on during the most tumultuous weeks of my life! A week in which I was dealing with the intense pain of a sprained shoulder, a week where my emotions were in an upheaval, a week where I wished for my brother’s presence like I have never done in my life and intermittently wept like a bereaved person with wracking sobs to match.
On that fateful day; I took her out of the work-in-progress pile and went to work. Black was the color of choice given the situation and mind frame. I filled up the white space taking care not to mar her looks and the design which made her unique.

All she could do was purse her pink lips and take what I had to offer-pain, sorrow and emotional chaos. She was left without choice for she couldn’t talk back. She knew her creator needed to try and keep it together and this was the only way she knew how. After my emotions were spent, I put her away. To be worked on another day; when the mood struck.
Luckily for her, I took her out for inspection, in a better frame of mind no less. I looked at her with a critical eye trying to find the imperfections and irreparable damage my chaotic emotions had wrought. But most of all; it was to check how black suited her because no color does justice to feelings and thoughts like black.

I looked at her through the lens of a camera and seeing her stare at me with her pursed pink lips nudged my heart a little. I felt guilty for making her bear the brunt of my emotions yet she wasn’t the cause of it. Why continue to drown her in my sorrow? Thus, I gave her color. I wholeheartedly tried to bring her to life the way she was originally meant to by putting an effort into making her pretty. In an attempt to make up for the marks of sorrow she could not hide.
However, even in color: she smacks of so much pain and sorrow. The sorrow in her eyes alone is incomparable to the darknss in the lines on her face. In her lies the proof of her creator's hardest lesson in life - a lesson she failed at miserably. And for that; she will forever be the reminder of that lesson and the memories that come with it.

Even If You Know Me Well, You Don’t Know This.

I find myself reluctantly participating in a writer’s challenge or boot camp whereby the idea is to write and post everyday for the entire month of July. Yes, I found the idea daunting at first but the pros eventually outweighed the cons. So..
First day and first topic.. Even If You Know Me Well, You Don’t Know This…
We all have that side of us we never show the world, our friends and basically things we never feel are important enough to share.  What are those little things most of you don’t know about me?

Sometimes it is visible and other times not, so, I am quite sure none of you notice the scar on my upper lip which I got trying to jump over a mini barbed wire fence in primary school. My leg got caught in the barbed wire and I fell face down onto gravel! I'm glad I only walked away with a split lip and nary a scar on my face.

I find the scar on my thigh a reminder of one of the best days of my life! I’d spent part of that day with this boy I had a mad crush on in University before it happened and the people who were with me when glass shattered are quite special because we had such a fantastic time bonding that day.

Whenever I write from the heart and publish, I do it in a roundabout way. I feel that doing so won’t leave me as exposed as I felt when writing the piece and people won’t pose a lot of questions.

I was so bad at Maths that when it came to sitting National Exams, my mother asked if the Math exam was optional so I don’t sit for it and my brother told me to try my hardest and get the passing grade.

People think I am in a mood or something whenever they find me by myself not knowing that I am at peace with being by myself and find those moments comforting. This is why my man hunt is an ongoing process.

I was violently ill during my university finals that I contemplated taking a dead year. The little soldier in me refused to because I had studied so hard. I ended up sitting for them in sickness.

Most of you think I love my lips what with forever plying them with lip balm and gloss. The truth is; if I don’t do any of that, and since I hate having to lick them all the time, they dry up to the point of developing dry patches which I find myself pinching to bloodiness when in thought. Pinching my lip is my obsessive habit.

I spent the best part of today pouring my heart out in a letter to/ memories of a lost love. Someone who up to now has refused to let me forget him. I felt a lot better after writing it and even got the little urge to publish. But… It will never see the light of day on Simply Shanah.

I think that is enough for now.

The Good From 2013 Continued…

“Everyday may not be good but there’s something good in everyday.”

A continuation to this post:

24/08/2013 – Received a pink jewelry set from my cousin Shakira.

31/08/2013 – My brother’s marriage. He’s wanted to get married for so long that I am glad it happened and seeing him happy makes me happy.

3/09/2013 – Had a jewelry re-sale and made a bit of money from it.

04/11/2013 – Simply Shanah is three years old!
                   - Exchanged numbers with a boy I really like. I last exchanged numbers with a guy I’m into four years ago, I think. Much as I like him, it is blatantly obvious it’s going no where.
                  - My maternal Grand Father’s death anniversary. I’m grateful to my family for the memorial prayers they hold in his stead every year.

6/11/2013 – Positive friends who listen when you need it and give advice when you least expect it.

11/11/2013 – My girl Claire’s generous soul.
                  - Brainstorming sessions with my friend Ama. These get the creative juices flowing and I lover her for her unwavering support.

20/11/2013 – Made a pair of rings out of stones for a necklace. Second time I pimp up a ring or two.

21/11/2013 – Cut my hair into bangs or a fringe.

22/11/2013 – Made a necklace out of black squares from my sister’s dress.

24/11/2013 – Need to nurture my accessories design and see how far I can go with it.

01/12/2013 – New month, wonder what it has in store.

06/13/2013 – Woke up to news of Nelson Mandela’s death who died on 5/12/2013.

08/12/2013 – Attended my cousin Farida’s wedding. Happy to have been there and see it happen.
                   - Love the gifts from Farida’s in-laws.

10/12/2013 – Nelson Mandela’s memorial service. A fitting farewell to Africa’s purest heroes.

12/12/2013 – Grateful for beautifully fierce and its subsequent social media pages. Maintaining it and the pages gives me a sense of purpose.
                 - The possibility of attaining a new phone looms in the near future.
                 -  Hearing from my friend Ossy who I haven’t seen since November.
                 - Time; being in peace and at peace with everything so far.

15/12/2013 – Seeing the Nelson Mandela funeral telecast reminded me of my maternal Grand Father’s funeral.

16/12/2013 – The Whatsapp text from one of my oldest best friends, Joy, made my night. It reminded me of our friendship in primary school then the one at University. I can’t wait to see her after years.
                  - Sighted a butterfly and I remembered  The Alchemist. They are good omens and we should believe in them.

19/12/2013 – Catch up session with my friend Malcolm. A really old friend from Primary School and University.

20/12/2013 – My uncle Uthman’s 40th birthday celebration. I love family gatherings like these because we get to be together in one place with the cousins and catch up on everything as we are all at different stages and paths in our lives.
                  - One of my creations found a new home. I am glad it went to someone who really loves it.

24/12/2013 – I received pretty little accessories from aunt; a little pink purse and a huge cocktail ring.
                   - News from Chingy about her departure from the country. She’s wanted to go for so long that I am glad Allah finally made it possible for her.

29/12/2013 – My aunt Saudah’s graduation dua. So glad to see this was done for her for she has achieved quite a lot. We’re so close that I hardly refer to her as ‘aunt’. I love moments like these because I get to see some of my favourite people in the world like my girl Smooch. Seeing her and catching up with her means the world to me, then there is Shaffy and Baker.

30/12/2013 – What a day chockfull of surprise visits! First my girls Smooch and Baby Jara ( I was aware of their pending visit) then Leila (baby on board) and Shaffy! These are what memories are made of. The thing about family is; however long you’ve taken to see each other, there is always something that binds you and makes the eons of distance slip away.
                - I have been so creative this year that I am proud of my artistic talent. This is one of my best highlights.
                - My uncle Omar made Haj and the one to whom I am best niece is in the process of preparation for the trip. I pray God makes it possible for him and glad for it to have happened for Uncle Omar (both of these are faithful readers)
                - Grateful to God for my life, family and friends. Y'all are everything to me. 
                - Totally unrelated but I am so glad that Justin Timberlake is BACK on the music scene. Yup, this was his year along with Eminem and Robin Thicke.


On that really nostalgic  note; Happy 2014 Everyone. Be Safe.

The Good From 2013.

“Everyday may not be good, but there is something good in everyday.”

At the beginning of this year, I made this one little resolution – to start a jar/journal of gratitude where I’d note the good that’s happened in a particular day as a way of not focusing on the things that went wrong. Let me say; it worked. And for me to say this means a lot because I am 60% pessimistic. I chose not to believe something good or exciting will happen until it does. Keeping this gratitude journal and maintaining it has helped me focus on the positive unlike before where I would dwell on the negative.
As the year is coming to an end, I’d like to share with you what I think was memorable and made me happy in 2013 plus the things I am grateful for.

01/01/2013 – Re-connection with O.R. He helped me practice my French like no man’s business.

07/01/2013 – Drew a couple of drawings – I love it when artistic inspiration strikes.

10/01/2013 – Return to work in a new location. Love the location.
                   - Ran into Ayeisha, an old friend from High School.

01/04/2013 – Death of my phone which made me resurrect writing in a journal.
                   - An unexpected  offer from my friend Chingy.

02/04/2013 – Watching my dad bustle around in the kitchen making us (me and him) breakfast.

09/04/2013 – Seeing my friend Ron the Engineer and hearing all about his accomplishments. We’ve been friends since High School.

16/04/2013 – Thoughtful aunts.
                   - Miss the friends I left behind but grateful for new ones.

18/04/2013 – Seeing my friend OR and catching up. We last saw each other at University. This is why I am grateful for technology and social media.

19/04/2013 – Friendships are easier maintained than let go of. Sometimes, its best to look at the bigger picture than act rashly after a moment’s hurt.

22/04/2013 – Ran into my cousin Shamilla after a few years. Seeing her was such a pleasure.

07/05/2013 – Grateful for friends, both old and new.
                   - Grateful for this other blog that I derive a lot of pleasure from.

11/05/2013 – News of my brother’s pending return who apparently got me new crutches without knowledge of my fall and breakage of the third leg.

22/05/2013 – Birthday! Got hair accessories as gifts from my sister and news of my oldest best friend’s upcoming wedding.

26/05/2013 – Grateful for my brother’s generosity and willingness to help even with the little he has.

01/06/2013 – New month, wonder what it has in store.

6/06/2013 – Met the most charming man. A real life humpty dumpty. Tall, potbellied with a bald head. He made quite the impression because he talked with me while looking into my eyes and with a smile. It’s rare finding people like that who let you know their attention is on YOU.

8/06/2013 – Trip to the cinema and lunch with my girls Emma and Claire to watch my honey Tony Stark in Iron Man 3 as a be-lated birthday celebration.
                  - Caught a glimpse of my best friend and her family from a distance.

7/07/2013 – My brother’s return home after 3 years and my new legs.

22/07/2013 – Made my first sale for mum at the new location excluding the time I sold for aunt.

23/08/2013 – Bought myself two pairs of neon hoops: one pair in lemon green and the other hot pink.

And this shall be continued…

Forever Friends.

I have been cleaning out my yahoo mailbox and I loved finding this forwarded email from one of my good friends. Seeing and reading it again made me miss her so much. As you all know by now, I love sharing a few good things and this is one of them. 

To all my friends

 

A friend is...

Someone who changes your life by being a part of it.
Someone who makes you laugh until you can't stop;
Someone who makes you believe that there is really good in this world.

Someone who convinces you that there is
an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it.
This is Forever Friendship.
When you're down, and the world seems dark and empty,
your Forever Friend lifts you up in spirit
and makes that dark and empty world suddenly seem bright and full.
Your Forever Friend gets you through the hard times,
and the sad times, and the confused times.
If you turn and walk away your Forever Friend follows.
If you lose your way, your Forever Friend guides you and cheers you on.
Your Forever Friend holds your hand
and tells you that everything is going to be a-okay.
And when you find such a Friend, you'll feel happy and complete,
because you need not worry.
You Have A "Forever Friend" For Life
and Forever has No end.

Thanks And Regards,
Srujana Shree.......