Walks Down Memory Lane

In the recuperation period  of a recent traumatic event I experienced, I find myself adding on a Facebook break because of my need to detach. Not only am I dealing with the reparation of broken bones but also the disappointment and sorrow that comes with matters of the heart.

Ever since 2015; which I diligently documented here when the feelings weren't so raw, I consciously took a break from dating, liking and entertaining thoughts of me on the arm of a significant other until I was both mentally and emotionally strong. The road to single girl business hasn't been all that smooth considering the fact that last year, many of society's voices were in my ear over my lack of a significant other. It has never been easy being a girl more so since our achievements are still measured by the yardstick of the fruits of our womb if not the man by our side. I took all criticism and well meaning "advice" in stride and much as it bogged me down and made me question my noteworthy accomplishments, I shook it off in a matter of months and continued with the derivative pleasure of single girl business until a two-legged human that wears pants and shorts on a permanent basis decided to interrupt.

Clearly; there is no rest for the weary because in a perfect world, someone in my current situation would be dealing with one problem, not two. Life is that funny. After two years of single girl business, being alone but not lonely, I promised myself to try but wasn't actively searching. No. I left all that to God and any man or woman kind enough to hook me up with their friends albeit at my inconvenience.

Then came the declaration I never expected to hear in my lifetime. I resolved to give the declarer a chance because I thought he knew what he wanted (he sounded it because I believed him for those two months) until I spotted emerging traits of behaviour that precipitated my depression and led to my prior decision, the decision to stay single until someone that cares enough for me and actually means it comes along.

Whichever way I look at it; I do not think I am asking for too much from someone I choose to love or vice-versa but it seems to be for the people I give chances to. I have never relished the thought of being an after thought to someone I choose to love and I do not expect them to treat me as such but alas, that is the way they want the cookie to crumble and I refuse to settle.

I was having a repeat performance of 2015 whereby I watched this person be active on social media without as much as "hello" to me in the morning or a "how was your day in the evening", at least every other day because I do not expect someone to be texting me on a daily basis. It hurt a lot back then and it still hurts. That is the behaviour I have been putting up with for close to a month and seeing it killed me every fuckin day. I spent a full weekend in tears over the disappointment in myself and knew that if I do not mitigate before I spiralled, I would lose myself along the way yet I had put a lot of work on my emotional and mental health to let myself drown into an abyss once again.  This informed my decision to deactivate my account, take time off to neutralize feelings, fully detach and leave him to concentrate on the people he cares for enough to mean it.
How am I supposed to heal broken bones with a broken spirit? I need to look out for me since I am only good enough for myself and no one else. Until I come first for the person that chooses to love me and actually shows; I am not settling, even if it means becoming the spinster aunt I find myself resigned to.

I hope to fruitfully use the time off Facebook and Twitter to build my spirit and engage in activities I let slip like reading and writing. I missed this space and the flow of words.

An April Retrospective.

The month of April brought a lot of insights and more decision making than I’ve ever done in my life. I’m a pretty decisive person but when it comes to matters of the heart, there is always that ‘maybe it will get better’ and before you know it; you are right back where you started.
It was the first weekend of April when I made this heartfelt decision to let go of someone I REALLY care about and will probably ‘like’ for the rest of my life. This is something I never thought I would do but I did because  it was time and felt right.
During then, I felt neither remorse nor sadness just a sense of finality. No going back, no digging it up, no nothing. Dead and buried. I don’t know if you all notice but once a decision is made from the heart, there is no going back unless you are a fickle person which I am not.
I liked and still do like him but he isn’t for me. I am quite laid back and easy to please but even people with my disposition reach their limit. Some people place too much importance on their time and person that a times it makes you question whether you aren’t as important or as busy and where you fit in (this is why I have few contacts in my phone) cause it is always about them.
Looking back on it now; I still stand by my decision and have no ill feelings at all not even a sense of loss. We’ve known each other for years so much so that this will never take away the bond of friendship just my heart. Now that my heart is no longer taken, it is time to go about the business of finding man candy!! I gave out my number once last year, this time I should at least top that with 2 or maybe 3. God willing.