The Break and Everything Inbetween 2

A continuation from my first entry here

I practically changed my sleeping schedule to keep him ‘virtual’ company while he nursed his dad. His dad passed away without him even asking me to go see him. Yes, it was during the pandemic but asking is not a bad thing. I asked him to come over while I was at a work event so I could see for myself how he was doing, in his angry moment, he made that request seem like the dirtiest thing he had ever been asked. I had yet to feel like trash as an adult until this second experience of him. If that was his intention, he succeeded.

Do you know what I got out of all this? A stress injury because of texting. This guy NEVER called. Emotional and physical trauma because the onslaught of emotions was too much for me to bear. My chest ached every time I recalled this experience. Because of all this, I returned to spontaneous public and private meltdowns. My most memorable days of this were the breakdown at DFCU Bank, my workplace and a field trip to Kasese. 

One morning at work; it hit me that I should have stayed home because I was not emotionally well to function as an employee. My heart ached so much that my eyes smarted from the tears I was trying to hold back. I took a bathroom break to cry and then returned to my workstation. Then came the field trip to Kasese. While there, my colleague kept asking, ‘Shanah, what is wrong?’, she asked this more than once for two days. On the second day, I told her not to ask me again. That night, after I returned to my room, I broke down because of the implication of his leaving the country without telling me. It felt like the worst betrayal ever. I had not done anything wrong to this person for him to act this way nor treat me this way. 

After crying for over two hours, I took a sleeping agent to calm my nerves. The last thing I wanted was to fall sick because of the intense emotional distress and being so far from home.  

You would think I was done with tears, no? I had one more flood left in me. I went to DFCU Bank, Ntinda branch to withdraw money. I found the bank closed. I had come from far. I needed the money. I did not have any other day to make the trip again. The frustration of this and everything bad I was dealing with brought on a public breakdown. I cried and sobbed like I had lost someone. The sob fest included snot, strained veins on the head and sweat. The attendants had to open the bank because I was becoming a public spectacle. They took me inside, gave me some water, asked me what was going on. Eh! I cried through all their questions and attempts to comfort me for over thirty minutes. 

Ten months in 2022 were spent feeling the ugly feelings and trying to work through it all so my depression does not worsen. The stress injury does persist when I text anyone for longer than five minutes, and I abandoned prayer. Other than that, I am doing well emotionally and mentally. I may not have published anything in this space for two years but everything that happened between then and now is in my journal. 2023 raked me over the coals, too. But I firmly believe that all that I went through in 2022 gave me the fortitude to handle everything that I experienced last year.  

We can conclusively say that he is the one who was never ready, that is, if he does not have a sadistic streak. In all consciousness, no one deserves to be treated so shabbily especially when they are pure of heart. 

The Distance Between Us

To
My Former Love;

I still think that you're the one that understood me best.
I would have given you a chance a million times over, if you had shown a modicum of the interest I thought we shared. But, you never did. Neither when I asked you nor I forced your hand. You still played your cards close to your chest and I wasn't built for it. I wasn't built for uncertainty yet you thrived, no, savoured it like it was the most delicious morsel of meat you have ever tasted.
My needs and I have always played second fiddle to the needs of the people in my life and seeing myself taken as a by -the-way was something I couldn't settle for. Even though murky water runs beneath the makeshift bridge we built, it doesn't take away the handful of good memories I have left of you.
You can't deny that I tried for you. I tried a lot more than you would ever know but it wasn't enough. The deal was too raw for me to settle given the uncertainty of the terms. It was either your way or not at all.
Taking you from the person I shared every little detail of my life with, to someone I share a handful of memories with wasn't easy. You were my waking thought. The person my thoughts ran to when something happened in my life and my 3 am companion. You were a habit I nurtured with each opportunity that came my way until...
How many times did we try to mend the cracks between us? Once? Twice? Thrice? I can't even remember because there were instances where you were so callous in your treatment; instances I forgave you for because I liked you a lot, until that day.
Do you ever wonder what happened? Do you think about what you did wrong that drove me to that point? Should I tell you: now that we have a few years worth of distance between us?
To you; it was another empty promise you were making me yet it was a little bubble of hope for us on my side. You gave me the teenage experience I never had by making me wait for a call that never came through. Given our history; that wasn't unexpected but the bitter taste the experience left in my mouth was something I didn't relish. That day made the decision for me.
I had made a lot of moves for you, given you a lot more chances than I have ever given anyone in my life, watched from the side-lines as you publicly mocked every little thing that I did for you. It was enough. I couldn't give anymore. I had nothing left. You took it all. Even the fight I should have had on reserve for your successors.
Am I angry? No. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't know what to look for in anyone I might consider sharing my life with. You are the other yardstick on which I measure their worth as men especially when it comes to their treatment towards me.
It took me years to give others chances. Unfortunately or fortunately, the first person I gave a chance to failed miserably. He said all the pretty and flowery words that I longed to hear from you and I was sold. No. You know I do I do not fall that easily. I thought the years and affection between this person and I would provide the firm foundation for this stage in our lives only to be disappointed. Like you, he failed to live up to his words.
Do you remember that girl? The one that fought for you? She couldn't garner the energy to fight for him once he started being indifferent towards her. That girl just unfriended him so he could do it better from a far. Fighting never even crossed my mind yet it was an uncontrollable urge for your case. Mend it! Fix it! Give it one more try! I was always bridging the distance between us that to this day - I do not have the energy it takes to fight for or chase after a guy, however much I presume to like him.
My life is a revolving door of comings and goings. I should be used to it but I am not. Seeing your successor go hurt a lot because I thought we had a good friendship. The years alone should have been enough to intercede and stop this outcome...
I have never regretted you. I still do not regret you. You meant much more than you knew at that point in my life. What I regret are the feelings you evoked in me. They were too intense to handle. Feeling that way taught me that I never want to be that vulnerable towards another human being and I still don't.
Twice this year; I have been asked on two separate occasions if I would consider us being friends? I loved our friendship. You understood me better than anyone I had encountered in my life. I would have considered it if it was at your instigation and not hearsay. They do not know how dark the murky water that runs beneath our makeshift bridge is and that there's a lot more to it than the distance between us.

Yours,
In love and thoughts,
Shanah

Walks Down Memory Lane

In the recuperation period  of a recent traumatic event I experienced, I find myself adding on a Facebook break because of my need to detach. Not only am I dealing with the reparation of broken bones but also the disappointment and sorrow that comes with matters of the heart.

Ever since 2015; which I diligently documented here when the feelings weren't so raw, I consciously took a break from dating, liking and entertaining thoughts of me on the arm of a significant other until I was both mentally and emotionally strong. The road to single girl business hasn't been all that smooth considering the fact that last year, many of society's voices were in my ear over my lack of a significant other. It has never been easy being a girl more so since our achievements are still measured by the yardstick of the fruits of our womb if not the man by our side. I took all criticism and well meaning "advice" in stride and much as it bogged me down and made me question my noteworthy accomplishments, I shook it off in a matter of months and continued with the derivative pleasure of single girl business until a two-legged human that wears pants and shorts on a permanent basis decided to interrupt.

Clearly; there is no rest for the weary because in a perfect world, someone in my current situation would be dealing with one problem, not two. Life is that funny. After two years of single girl business, being alone but not lonely, I promised myself to try but wasn't actively searching. No. I left all that to God and any man or woman kind enough to hook me up with their friends albeit at my inconvenience.

Then came the declaration I never expected to hear in my lifetime. I resolved to give the declarer a chance because I thought he knew what he wanted (he sounded it because I believed him for those two months) until I spotted emerging traits of behaviour that precipitated my depression and led to my prior decision, the decision to stay single until someone that cares enough for me and actually means it comes along.

Whichever way I look at it; I do not think I am asking for too much from someone I choose to love or vice-versa but it seems to be for the people I give chances to. I have never relished the thought of being an after thought to someone I choose to love and I do not expect them to treat me as such but alas, that is the way they want the cookie to crumble and I refuse to settle.

I was having a repeat performance of 2015 whereby I watched this person be active on social media without as much as "hello" to me in the morning or a "how was your day in the evening", at least every other day because I do not expect someone to be texting me on a daily basis. It hurt a lot back then and it still hurts. That is the behaviour I have been putting up with for close to a month and seeing it killed me every fuckin day. I spent a full weekend in tears over the disappointment in myself and knew that if I do not mitigate before I spiralled, I would lose myself along the way yet I had put a lot of work on my emotional and mental health to let myself drown into an abyss once again.  This informed my decision to deactivate my account, take time off to neutralize feelings, fully detach and leave him to concentrate on the people he cares for enough to mean it.
How am I supposed to heal broken bones with a broken spirit? I need to look out for me since I am only good enough for myself and no one else. Until I come first for the person that chooses to love me and actually shows; I am not settling, even if it means becoming the spinster aunt I find myself resigned to.

I hope to fruitfully use the time off Facebook and Twitter to build my spirit and engage in activities I let slip like reading and writing. I missed this space and the flow of words.

Facebook Memories

Facebook memories.

Ghosts from the past that return to haunt you when you least expect it.

When the little notification pings, I brace myself in anticipation of what  might be in store. Good or bad? Morose or gay? What the post might turn out to be never matters much as long as it is not a rant!

There is nothing more cringeworthy than a rant on social media! The sole bane to the gaiety of Facebook memories.

With the daily ping of reminders, the promise I made  myself two years ago; never to rant on social media more so on Facebook lurks. I did so much of it on Twitter that ultimately, I had to delete the account and start afresh. 

However, the year of being a good girl on Twitter never portended well for Facebook.

A time or two; my inner devil has come out to play with little to no provocation. This is what I get for not being able to write as frequently as I did the years before last.

Being whoever you wish to be on social media notwithstanding, I know this is not the person I wish nor desire to be. Hence my decision to get rid of all the people that bring out this side of me.

I no longer desire to see people who bring it out on my timeline. Not anymore. Seeing them in the groups I belong to is emough. Everyone needs a respite from the bullshit at the end of the day.

As dire as the picture I am painting of these little memories may seem, there have been good ones albeit not so many. They have been enough to smile about and chuckle over. Going through the comments rears the friends lost along the way and ones gained. An honest depiction of life, cause we lose and gain some with little regret.
I had banked on Facebook memories to remind me of the good that happened last year. At this point in time; I am inclined to believe they do not exist. Which, if you look at it, may not be a bad thing for we all have that one year or two we wish to forget! 2015 was that year for me.

The Tincture of Time

This time last year was the hardest part of 2015 for me and it is no wonder  why I was neither looking forward to my Facebook memories nor going through them. So much pain, emotional upheaval and an insurmountable darkness that I did not know how to deal without letting go.

I had to let go of everything that holds me together to deal with depression - to accept in order to feel and get better without getting medical help. One good day; I took out one of my works in progress with the hope that it will help my mood only for my mood to extend itself to the piece. A piece that brought about this post.

It's been a year since Beauty In Ugly. I couldn't read the piece and look at the drawing without tears rushing to my eyes. The memories stung, so did the evidence of my despair. Even writing this is giving me a heavy heart at the moment albeit a little more painless. 

What a difference time makes given the chance? As much as I am reminded of everything I went through this time of year; I am in a somewhat good place. Getting through the day is no longer a struggle. I no longer have  inexplicable crying bouts and  the heavy baggage I used to carry on my heart is lighter. The best thing about it all is; the wish that used to get me through the remaining days and months is hardly a chant anymore neither is it a hangar for all the positivity I needed.

Time takes it all away given the opportunity. Let yourself go through the motions: mentally and emotionally  with its guiding touch. It will take you where you wish to be regardless of the duration. 

A Little Sun

There are times when I visit old posts of Simply Shanah in search of inspiration only to log out immediately for the urge to delete some of last year's posts is so strong. There was nothing good there. Going back and looking through them is like trying to find the remnants of a kindling in a pile of ashes: a little smoking ember to singe ones fingers. However fruitless my attempts are in finding inspiration from the depths of my pitfalls and the decision to let it all remain, I have realized some of my angst ridden and painfull posts are being shared. It is kind of mortifying but I am happy some of you relate with the posts and go as far as sharing. Thank you.
I put away the journal in order to revitalize my thoughts, sense of purpose all for naught. Nothing has worked so far. You, know what? I am not going to try anymore. To force myself to look for what is good in a situation however bad is no longer cutting it.
My mental state is a depiction of my life right now. Everything is in shambles. As much as I am incapable of having a handle on everything else currently going on, I am glad for my artistic side. I find myself drawing more and more when the mood strikes and the accessories creator in me is starting to join the creative party. It has been awhile since I created something in the way of accessories.
My last piece was a pearl necklace which I spot majority of the time and the need to create earrings to go with it is so strong. Maybe when the time is right. It will happen.

Seeing it is a new month; may we all let what was stay in the past and write new chapters to the books of our lives- even if it means forever starting over in your journal like I am currently doing.

MY 2015

The year is a stone’s throwaway from coming to an end and I couldn’t be anymore glad to see it go. 2015 has been exceptionally hard in ways I never ever thought would be so much so that concentrating on the good in each day was a chore as the passed by.
Along the way; I made a lot of decisions that so far are turning out for the better. I hope they hold for times to come. Regardless of my mood and emotional chaos, there were a few smile inducing moments in my darkest of days even if I had to edit this compilation several times!
01/01/2015 – New year, new beginnings
02/01/2015 – Jewellery design
07/01/2015 – Some people come into our lives to loosen up buttons we never thought of loosening in the first place.
- Sad is leaving soon
- Sometimes, it is better to be honest with a person and let the decision to stay remain in their hands.
08/01/2015 – Visit from  my girl Stella
12/01/2015 – Sad is counting days
14/01/2015 - Seeing the one to whom I am best niece and my little darling in her last stages of pregnancy
- Pre- birthday celebration for my Nyabo
16/01/2015 – Sad’s leaving for his homeland. I’m going to miss the big guy!
18/01/2015 – Knowing Sad might have his old job back is the best news ever
23/01/2015 – Sue’s graduation and I have never been so exhausted in my life!
24/01/2015 – Another drawing added onto my Heart series
26/01/2015 – Re-connecting with old friends
28/01/2015 – Catch up with Baby J and the boy talk was insightful
1/02/2015 – I love being in control but letting go has improved my disposition in this case
5/02/2015 – First poem from a boy!
- The reassurances from friends Shakira, Allen and Robert made me feel a whole lot better about work
06/02/2015 – My Nyabo saying I am a good writer
07/02/2015 – Treated myself to a fancy lunch after so many months!
08/02/2015 – Poem “we don’t always get what we wish for.”
10/02/2015 – When you least expect it; God brings you a ray of hope.
13/02/2015 - Surprise visit to my baby. So happy to see her in her last days of pregnancy.
14/02/2015 - “Tired” poem
18/02/2015 – To have someone whose written word leaves you in awe call you talented is an honour. I am humbled to know strangers find my writing good.
- A surprisingly good day. Alhamdulilah
21/02/2015 – Indecision is a decision. Let nobody tell you differently
22/02/2015 – I don’t know how Ntinda will work out but it was good to me the first time. Hopefully, it is where I am meant to be for now.
23/02/2015 - “Self preservation” poem
25/02/2015 – Got my letter of appointment for voluntary work
- Anila Naby’s birth
26/02/2015 - With change comes clarity. A clearer picture of who you want to become and the paths we must take to get there.
27/02/2015 – Catch up session with my girl Emma on the last day of gainful employment! I am looking forward to no work Saturdays
02/03/2015 - Some memories you just don’t need.
04/03/2015 – First day of voluntary work and I like it
- “The Moon” poem
06/03/2015 - Patience is a virtue for the virtuous.
11/03/2015 – The feedback on the poem “woke up to your birthday reminder” is heart-warming.
12/03/2015 – Fruitful day at work. Alhamdulilah
14/03/2015 – Added two new drawings to my Heart series and coloured one.
15/03/2015 - Art is an expression of my thoughts and life at that particular moment.
17/03/2015 – My Art portfolio consists of 20 pieces so far
18/03/2015 – Chat with my Supervisor gave me a little hope as regards the direction I want to take my career
- Some people don’t like being met at their level. so you take them to yours.
19/03/2015 – Another fruitful day at work! I’m glad for the chance to impart skills I usually take for granted
- Our thoughts are words waiting to be written.
20/03/2015 – Visit to see my baby’s baby
21/03/2015 – A reply tweet from The Single Woman
- “It doesn’t matter” poem
22/03/2015 – I pray God gives me the courage to pursue my dreams
23/03/2015 – Spent the day with my baby and her baby. I am proud of Baby J and her accomplishment. She is where I would like to be financially
25/03/2015 – The fact that people find me inspiring is an amusement in itself!
26/03/2015 – A new drawing. I can never tire of the creation process especially when a merger of two designs is involved. It leaves me awestruck
- Being asked to write for someone whose work leaves you breathless! Jon Storm!
27/03/2015 – Worked on my third coloured piece and love how it looks
28/03/2015 – Waking up to Jon’s feedback is indescribable!
- Colouring art pieces wouldn’t be possible without Ama’ help
30/03/2015 – Seeing Patience again and having the opportunity to work with her is a pleasure
31/03/2015 - Sometimes, the battle lines need to be drawn for you to know where you stand.
2/04/2015 – Sad never fails in his attempts to cheer me up
- Having a heart to heart with Clare made my heart a little lighter
05/04/2015 – The feeling of success is sweet!
- Five drawings coloured so far
09/04/2015 – Fruitful day at work! The mini-workshop was not only educational but insightful as well
12/04/2015 – Spent the weekend working on my choker necklace and the reality finally met my vision
14/04/2015 – First read into Manuscript Found in Accra
27/04/2015 – A chat with my ride or die girl is always what I need
03/05/2015 - “Imperfect hearts” poem
07/05/2015 – De Ja Vu moments due to work make me feel like I am walking in familiar footsteps
05/14/2015 – Trip to Gomba
- Creative firsts at work make me think I was meant to be in publishing
19/05/2015 – Fantastic feedback over my creative efforts especially the newsletter
22/05/2015 – Birthday!
25/05/2015 – Shakira always pops up when I need her most
26/05/2015 – Wonderful feedback about Simply Shanah
02/06/2015 – Gainful employment gives me a sense of fulfilment I am beginning to love. Alhamdulilah for the abundant opportunities.

Fifth Anniversary!

Simply Shanah made five years! Wow!
I remember my very first post and the day I decided to put some of my life’s experiences on an open platform like it was yesterday. So many memories both good and bad, so many tear filled (but you wouldn’t know that), angry and depressive posts like life’s endless storms.

I chanced upon the above quote several months back and it made me re-think the purpose of Simply Shanah. It made me want to give it an overhaul, a different purpose and entirely a new focus. But that would have entailed losing a lot of who I am in black and white. The experiences I have been through that are just snippets on my journals and the little odd bits that I keep sharing. It is a true depiction of my life – all over the place and I wouldn’t change any of it anytime soon.
If I had gone through with the revamp, I wouldn’t be able to look back and gauge how much I have grown as a person in thought and writing. I also wouldn’t have concrete reminders of some of the painful situations in my life and how I overcame them. I mean; there is a period where there were hardly any depressed posts, well until recently of course. This is something because I am that girl… perpetually on the brink of depression and fortunately I have learnt how to deal with it more successfully than yesteryear.
Five years of Simply Shanah! If the feedback from friends and the readers is anything to go by; I have grown in my writing and the readership is amazing at this point. It takes a lot of energy to string together two words to form a coherent thought for a blog post and I admire those who do so on a regular basis unlike I. I barely have the time anymore and because of it my other baby is performing dismally.
Right now, at this moment in time, I am trying to get back to the basics and do what needs to be done especially for the things I care about most: this, my art and other baby not forgetting my French. Something was taking up too much of my time and it wasn’t in anyway constructive at all. In fact, I let myself be caught up in it and ended up losing the person I was before it. I am wholeheartedly trying to get back to that person because that girl knew who she was.
On that note; Happy happy anniversary to my first baby Simply Shanah!!! :) Thank you for reading and sharing the odd posts now and then.

Beauty In Ugly

I love saying that I never have thoughts during the creation process and for that matter cannot honestly tell anyone what inspired a piece. There is usually nothing to tell because most of my pieces never ever have back stories. They are simply the results of an imaginative mind.
However, this particular piece has a story. A story I didn’t want to share until a friend of mine asked when my next blog post would be. His question made me reflect on the draft hence the decision to share. To show that sometimes; it is OK to fall apart. To feel like the loneliest soul in the world without anyone to see you through except yourself. So, here goes nothing.
Her misfortune was being worked on during the most tumultuous weeks of my life! A week in which I was dealing with the intense pain of a sprained shoulder, a week where my emotions were in an upheaval, a week where I wished for my brother’s presence like I have never done in my life and intermittently wept like a bereaved person with wracking sobs to match.
On that fateful day; I took her out of the work-in-progress pile and went to work. Black was the color of choice given the situation and mind frame. I filled up the white space taking care not to mar her looks and the design which made her unique.

All she could do was purse her pink lips and take what I had to offer-pain, sorrow and emotional chaos. She was left without choice for she couldn’t talk back. She knew her creator needed to try and keep it together and this was the only way she knew how. After my emotions were spent, I put her away. To be worked on another day; when the mood struck.
Luckily for her, I took her out for inspection, in a better frame of mind no less. I looked at her with a critical eye trying to find the imperfections and irreparable damage my chaotic emotions had wrought. But most of all; it was to check how black suited her because no color does justice to feelings and thoughts like black.

I looked at her through the lens of a camera and seeing her stare at me with her pursed pink lips nudged my heart a little. I felt guilty for making her bear the brunt of my emotions yet she wasn’t the cause of it. Why continue to drown her in my sorrow? Thus, I gave her color. I wholeheartedly tried to bring her to life the way she was originally meant to by putting an effort into making her pretty. In an attempt to make up for the marks of sorrow she could not hide.
However, even in color: she smacks of so much pain and sorrow. The sorrow in her eyes alone is incomparable to the darknss in the lines on her face. In her lies the proof of her creator's hardest lesson in life - a lesson she failed at miserably. And for that; she will forever be the reminder of that lesson and the memories that come with it.

The Winds Of Change.

What would you expect to hear when you are in a funk of a mood? Certainly not the possibility of a pending relocation!
When this piece of news came to my attention, my heart plummeted to the floor! I was so floored and disconcerted by it that I hardly knew what to say! I actually sat down and took a hard look at all that is familiar as I wondered about the unknown.
I pride myself on a lot of things and one of them is being able to go with the flow but dang! This is something I never anticipated until my gainful employment – of course, which is yet to happen. From a business perspective, it is a sound idea but I can’t say the same from a personal one. I think it is going to suck major balls when my current office relocates!
The comfort of the familiar is oh so sweet and I don’t want to let go of it. The friends I’ve made, people I have come to know and well the camaraderie which takes ages to develop. I’m the type of person who takes long to make friends and with that in mind, being uprooted is not looking so hot from where I’m standing.
I’d like to say this is a good opportunity as far as my mood is concerned but I wouldn’t bet on it. Part of me wants to remain in the safety bubble so much so that I told my mum I wanted to stay where we were while the other part is trying to get used to the idea of change however tentative it might be at the moment.

Stuck In A Bottomless Pit 2.0

I forgot to mention that when you are filled with sorrow and your heart aches from it all; it doesn’t mean you have to look and sound it. No. Much as I feel sad, I can’t get myself to sound and look it because I am neither looking for pity nor sympathy. I don’t want to be that friend or person you know who always complains and whines about their life and puts a damper on your mood just by being in his/her presence. I hate people like that and I definitely don’t want to be one. We all know when you feel like crap, you put on your favorite outfit and a smile to show the world you have it together.
God probably is aware of my mood funk because I got two unexpected visits from some of my favorite men. My uncle the Attorney at law and brother on the same day. My uncle is a barrel of laughs! Whenever we’re in each others’ presence, we always laugh our heads off like a bunch of hyenas. He regales me with all his court cases and the people who seek his help. He managed to take my thoughts off of everything the time he was around.
I somewhat told my brother about my mood when he came around. So depressed to the point of uninstalling Whatsapp and deleting my twitter! He surprised me when he asked why I took my mood out on innocent Whatsapp and the twitter followers. What was I to say to that? All I know is I’ll probably return to both at the beginning of next year, if God wills. Spending those few hours with my brother lightened my mood. However stingy I were with the details pertaining my feeling of sorrow, It was nice to know he would listen without offering solutions and whatnot. At the end of it all; that is what really matters. That is what someone needs, the willingness to listen and understand not just to offer an opinion or solution otherwise known as Empathic Listening.
Of course there are times when my mood lightens but the heart ache doesn’t go away. It is like a dark cloud hanging around. For now, wallowing is a little overdue and I am gonna indulge in it until it goes away. There is too much to cry about and every thought brings tears to my eyes. Until this stops, when the thoughts stop inducing tears, then I shall be done with it.

Stuck In A Bottomless Pit!

I’ve been irritable since December knocked and I don’t know how to deal. I hate my mood- my heart aches from the sorrow, injustice and impotence of it all. Some times, I wish I wasn’t the person I am; a weakling and a burden. On top of it all I HATE knowing how I am really not the Mistress of my own ship! They say, ‘Life is what you make it.’ Well, that crap is for the birds! Half the time I wish to be by myself until my mood lifts which is quite impossible at the moment. I’m surrounded by people who NEVER understand the need  to be alone, the need for personal space and the need for solitude.
I hate feeling like this. Depression seeps the life out of me and it makes putting on a happy face for others an ordeal. How do you interact, chat and laugh with people when deep down, your soul is sad?
What’s worse is most of the people who actually get me are not within my reach at the moment. One is in Beijing, the other away at University. Talking to someone face to face is a whole lot better than texting or emailing. Emails and texts never capture feelings and expressions. Truth? I want to weep on someone’s shoulder and get it out of my system. I wish my gurl wasn’t in school.
Before all this, I thought twitter was just for celebrity rants but after having a few of them in the past couple of days myself, I stand corrected. In this vein, I have decided to delete my personal twitter account and uninstalled my whatsapp until further notice. I can’t keep on ranting like a senseless girl. As for Facebook, short of deleting my account since I have to maintain a facebook page, logging out of it on my blackberry will do the trick (I hope).
I do hope my mood lifts and everything is right as rain otherwise it would be a hell of a way to end the year.