Past Re-collections

Me checking out the statue of our former President Sir Milton Obote

I chanced upon a post from a twitter follower about her 2018 mid-year review. Her post reminded me of my promise to keep a gratitude journal to help me focus on the positive and dwell not on the lemons life handed me. I admit; I lost my way after 2015 and it has been a lot of work trying to find myself again. I derived a lot of pleasure in keeping a gratitude journal and sharing it in that I was driven to leaf through my collections for 2017. I spent equal measures of 2017 terrified of death and worried over the state of my health. I lost 3 people within my immediate family and a close friend to both of my best friends. Those surprise deaths shook me to the core and exhibited the fragility of life. To date; the possibility of death still lingers in my thoughts.

"Why not 2018, you ask?" 2018 is HARD at the moment. However; this is not a dreary post so I shan't make it as one. These were some of my thoughts and bits of gratitude for 2017.

January

Alhamdulilah for the opportunity to work and earn a living.

I was involved in a documentary talking about issues affecting Women with Disabilities at national level.

When you get the chance to be good and do good for someone don't let it spill out of your hands.

The Story of You - Poem

February

I received and signed the work contract

Dear Girl - Poem

Artistic inspiration struck after 3 months. Alhamdulilah for my talent

March

You Don't Know Me Enough - Poem

Impressed with my "Expression of Happiness."

Inked my "Expression of Happiness" and the details came to me slowly but surely

"Write - when the words are ready to be written and flow without effort."

April

We Have No Say Over - Poem

May

Online interview

Even In Love - Poem

Thank God for good company and the ability to take oneself out

My obsession with Korean Dramas was resurrected with the discovery of kissasian.com

"Every girl deserves a guy who tells her that her smile blinds his sight." I wish we had met at a different time

Surprise birthday cake from the sister and brother-in-law

Spent the day in the company of a man. May it be a better year. Ameen

BIRTHDAY! Alhamdulilah for another year

July

I had the most wonderful dream that gave me a little hope.

My opinion made it to the news dailies.

July never fails to make me feel like the loneliest soul in the world

August

Work trip to Apac and Lira where I met the most inspiring woman with a disability and paid a trip to the home of Sir Milton Obote

Life may not be as perfect as it should be but it is totally OK at the moment

It is a shame that the people we care for never hold us in the same regard

September

"Vanity is making feeble attempts at not looking too helpless and sick in front of your lover." - Temptation

I had kind of hoped you would be my ocean

I almost told you before it went awry

I guess, I was wrong.

Busy week! Busy Month!

Goodbye September. You were quite a hard month but I managed to muddle through it

October

Your Face On Mine - Poem

Its sad having to watch everyone's ship arrive but your own. Even sadder is the fact that it may never arrive.

I'm more terrified of death as an adult than I ever was as a youth

I miss the innocence of youth

November

I have lost so many people this year that I keep wondering who the next person to go might be

Her Mother - Poem

Yoga fix got my thighs looking smaller!

Happy to have more responsibility at work

December

Moments - Poem

Weddings make me sad

The innocence of youth is believing in your dreams with infinite faith that they shall come to pass. Never knowing that life interrupts the best laid plans and that nothing ever turns out the way we thought it would.

Walks Down Memory Lane

In the recuperation period  of a recent traumatic event I experienced, I find myself adding on a Facebook break because of my need to detach. Not only am I dealing with the reparation of broken bones but also the disappointment and sorrow that comes with matters of the heart.

Ever since 2015; which I diligently documented here when the feelings weren't so raw, I consciously took a break from dating, liking and entertaining thoughts of me on the arm of a significant other until I was both mentally and emotionally strong. The road to single girl business hasn't been all that smooth considering the fact that last year, many of society's voices were in my ear over my lack of a significant other. It has never been easy being a girl more so since our achievements are still measured by the yardstick of the fruits of our womb if not the man by our side. I took all criticism and well meaning "advice" in stride and much as it bogged me down and made me question my noteworthy accomplishments, I shook it off in a matter of months and continued with the derivative pleasure of single girl business until a two-legged human that wears pants and shorts on a permanent basis decided to interrupt.

Clearly; there is no rest for the weary because in a perfect world, someone in my current situation would be dealing with one problem, not two. Life is that funny. After two years of single girl business, being alone but not lonely, I promised myself to try but wasn't actively searching. No. I left all that to God and any man or woman kind enough to hook me up with their friends albeit at my inconvenience.

Then came the declaration I never expected to hear in my lifetime. I resolved to give the declarer a chance because I thought he knew what he wanted (he sounded it because I believed him for those two months) until I spotted emerging traits of behaviour that precipitated my depression and led to my prior decision, the decision to stay single until someone that cares enough for me and actually means it comes along.

Whichever way I look at it; I do not think I am asking for too much from someone I choose to love or vice-versa but it seems to be for the people I give chances to. I have never relished the thought of being an after thought to someone I choose to love and I do not expect them to treat me as such but alas, that is the way they want the cookie to crumble and I refuse to settle.

I was having a repeat performance of 2015 whereby I watched this person be active on social media without as much as "hello" to me in the morning or a "how was your day in the evening", at least every other day because I do not expect someone to be texting me on a daily basis. It hurt a lot back then and it still hurts. That is the behaviour I have been putting up with for close to a month and seeing it killed me every fuckin day. I spent a full weekend in tears over the disappointment in myself and knew that if I do not mitigate before I spiralled, I would lose myself along the way yet I had put a lot of work on my emotional and mental health to let myself drown into an abyss once again.  This informed my decision to deactivate my account, take time off to neutralize feelings, fully detach and leave him to concentrate on the people he cares for enough to mean it.
How am I supposed to heal broken bones with a broken spirit? I need to look out for me since I am only good enough for myself and no one else. Until I come first for the person that chooses to love me and actually shows; I am not settling, even if it means becoming the spinster aunt I find myself resigned to.

I hope to fruitfully use the time off Facebook and Twitter to build my spirit and engage in activities I let slip like reading and writing. I missed this space and the flow of words.