Where Is Your Boyfriend?!

As I grow older, I find myself weary of answering the 'where is your boyfriend?' question from interested and idly disinterested but nosy parties.

Before; I would take it on nonchalantly and either respond with a joke or honesty to those that hold genuine interest in my life and wish me well but now, I am exhausted.

The question has become an endless reminder of my failure as a female despite my many accomplishments and successes career-wise. There are so many things I should be grateful and proud of at the moment but they are encapsulated by sorrow over my incapacity to be attached to someone for society's validation.

Whenever a person asks me, 'where is your boyfriend?', I am reminded of the many futile attempts made to hold on to people that don't want to be held on to, the boys I had hopes in but never measured up and the number of times I have been led towards dead end roads and each memory cuts like a sharp knife. The memories still sting like they happened yesterday yet enough time has passed for the pain to lessen.

Many may not know this but I have tried. So much so that I have let go of the dreams I held in this regard and made peace with the fact that they shall never come to fruition in this life. I am slowly getting used to the notion that I might be the spinster aunt to my nephews and do not have the time nor the energy to help everyone along. The only energy I have is for the betterment of me as a human, to show kindness to others and be good where possible. Besides, this body is giving up on me faster than my spirit is. I can't be fighting two things at ago. I am enough with or without a man.

Walks Down Memory Lane

In the recuperation period  of a recent traumatic event I experienced, I find myself adding on a Facebook break because of my need to detach. Not only am I dealing with the reparation of broken bones but also the disappointment and sorrow that comes with matters of the heart.

Ever since 2015; which I diligently documented here when the feelings weren't so raw, I consciously took a break from dating, liking and entertaining thoughts of me on the arm of a significant other until I was both mentally and emotionally strong. The road to single girl business hasn't been all that smooth considering the fact that last year, many of society's voices were in my ear over my lack of a significant other. It has never been easy being a girl more so since our achievements are still measured by the yardstick of the fruits of our womb if not the man by our side. I took all criticism and well meaning "advice" in stride and much as it bogged me down and made me question my noteworthy accomplishments, I shook it off in a matter of months and continued with the derivative pleasure of single girl business until a two-legged human that wears pants and shorts on a permanent basis decided to interrupt.

Clearly; there is no rest for the weary because in a perfect world, someone in my current situation would be dealing with one problem, not two. Life is that funny. After two years of single girl business, being alone but not lonely, I promised myself to try but wasn't actively searching. No. I left all that to God and any man or woman kind enough to hook me up with their friends albeit at my inconvenience.

Then came the declaration I never expected to hear in my lifetime. I resolved to give the declarer a chance because I thought he knew what he wanted (he sounded it because I believed him for those two months) until I spotted emerging traits of behaviour that precipitated my depression and led to my prior decision, the decision to stay single until someone that cares enough for me and actually means it comes along.

Whichever way I look at it; I do not think I am asking for too much from someone I choose to love or vice-versa but it seems to be for the people I give chances to. I have never relished the thought of being an after thought to someone I choose to love and I do not expect them to treat me as such but alas, that is the way they want the cookie to crumble and I refuse to settle.

I was having a repeat performance of 2015 whereby I watched this person be active on social media without as much as "hello" to me in the morning or a "how was your day in the evening", at least every other day because I do not expect someone to be texting me on a daily basis. It hurt a lot back then and it still hurts. That is the behaviour I have been putting up with for close to a month and seeing it killed me every fuckin day. I spent a full weekend in tears over the disappointment in myself and knew that if I do not mitigate before I spiralled, I would lose myself along the way yet I had put a lot of work on my emotional and mental health to let myself drown into an abyss once again.  This informed my decision to deactivate my account, take time off to neutralize feelings, fully detach and leave him to concentrate on the people he cares for enough to mean it.
How am I supposed to heal broken bones with a broken spirit? I need to look out for me since I am only good enough for myself and no one else. Until I come first for the person that chooses to love me and actually shows; I am not settling, even if it means becoming the spinster aunt I find myself resigned to.

I hope to fruitfully use the time off Facebook and Twitter to build my spirit and engage in activities I let slip like reading and writing. I missed this space and the flow of words.

Why Are You Single?

The above question has been posed my way several times and more often lately. In moments of cheekiness, my usual reply is,’I don’t know why because if I were a boy, I would date me.’ I know most of you think I am single because I am a three legged hussy. It would be the first thought that comes to mind but this is not the case. Most of the boys I have dated and tried to are normal, no handicap whatsoever. This is something a man who propositioned me brought to my attention. It had never crossed my mind until he asked whether they boys I have attempted to date are handicapped or not. I have never been hit on by a handicapped person though.
I think one knows why a situation is so or at least has an inkling why at the back of their minds and I think I do. Although mostly through opinionated friends and family who are not afraid to let you know what they think. According to my family and friends these are the reasons they claim I am still single.
I chase away the boys. I had quite the laugh over this a few years back when my cousin said it. But judging from recent occurrences, it has turned out to be true. I don’t chase away the boys because I want to, no. The situation usually calls for it. Case in point; a stranger recently sent me a text on WhatsApp. I asked for the name of the person that gave him my number, he kept quiet but went as far as asking for a meet. Really? My reply to him was, ‘since you won’t tell me who gave you my number, let’s meet in our dreams.’ What makes them think they will get their way when I don’t get mine?
Time Constraints. The few boys I have attempted to date tell me how I never give them enough time and I am always busy. Contrary to that I am never as busy not until lately. The time issue is a pet peeve of mine. If we make a date at 12:00pm and you decide to show up at 2:00pm best believe I shall never make time for you unless we are in the same place at the same time. My allowance is 30 minutes. If you don’t show within that then I am sorry.
Lack of Emotions. Apparently I lack a show of emotions so much that even when I am interested in the guy and very much like him, I won’t show it. What’s there to show? I let you touch me when you are talking and I try much as I can to sit close to you? Our knees touch at some point, so what show of emotions does one want? I am not the kind of girl who will be all over a boy just because I like him. I want the knowledge to be enough. It took me forever to utter the words ‘I love you’ and this is to only friends and family.
Rude. I think I am misunderstood here. People take my bluntness and honesty for rude which is so wrong. On my off days; I don’t entertain foolishness of any sort. And since I don’t I am quite brutal in the delivery. Which puts off those that want something else from me.
Lack of seriousness. This is one of the reasons I have come to know personally. My level of seriousness depends on how serious the other person is. If you come and tell me, ‘I like you’ once and we maintain a friendship, I automatically think you mean it in a friendly way and nothing else. And with me; friends are a no go area. No way, no how! Make your intentions clear and we figure out how to proceed.
Habit. I think having the personality of a loner plus single status is a loner’s haven. 90% of the time I am by myself and quite used to keeping my own company that it has now turned into a habit. When forced to contemplate traversing the dating world and all the negatives that sometimes come with it, the thoughts enforce my being single. I try here and there but majority of it all ends up with me remaining in my comfort zone while there is a little broken heart with my name on it living the world.
On the whole though; You could say I am waiting for someone serious preferably a man. Someone who knows what he wants and goes after it. Someone who will not let me make the decisions nor be intimidated by me. Because these relationship attempts crash and burn when left to my own devices. I have been single for far too long to be left with the choice of picking a time and day for a date. I will definitely not try unless you are on my case. I have grown accustomed to my single status that digging myself out of it will be a huge deal.
Since I don't want to be the spinster aunt to my friends' kids, I am trying to take chances and figure things out as they happen.