Dear Love...

Dear Love,

You will have to forgive me for writing you this letter but I feel that it is long over due. I have waited patiently for your arrival for so long that sometimes I forget that I am actually waiting. I am slowly starting to accept the fact that I just may be that one person in the family that may never discover the beauty within you.

The times that I think deeply about you make me question your existence. Are you there for me? Are you not a figment of my imagination? Are you not an illusion I entertain courtesy of the Romance novels I have poured over the years to make my soul happy? To nurture my wanning faith in your actual existence?

There are a handful of instances where I felt that you were so close that not only could I believe in your true existence but could languish in the feelings that the thought of you evoked. In these instances; I have experienced nothing but snatched hope and dreams.

Rejection, disappointment and ghosting at your expense have brought me unimaginable pain. Pain I did not think I would ever experience time and time again coupled with my other lot in life. Physical pain heals but emotional pain, there is no permanent relief for that except time, endurance and acceptance.

If there is anything this life has shown me; it is that to accept to hurt interminably for an unknown period of time takes sheer will power many do not have and neither do I. I almost came close to throwing in the towel this time last year because it was heartwrenchingly tough for me to withstand being emotionally and physically broken at the same time.

Would you believe it if I told you that I have rivulets of tears streaming down my face while penning you this letter? I would like to believe that it is cathartic but that would be lying. I have been crying on and off since July begun for no good reason. No. There is a good reason. I tend to lose people that I actually care for and presumably care for me in this month. And last year, well... I gathered my self--respect and lost again.

I look back on the times I was led on because of you. The times I have had my hopes crushed out of empty promises. The times I have believed in the words of humans that have never so much as paid for my data subscription and worst of it all; having to share my most prized dream - little Shanah's existence and mapped out life like she was a useless piece of gossip to share with everyone.

I hate you for that, you know. I hate you for having the ability to let people bait others with their most cherished dreams for entertainment: hoping that it comes true with them. Some things should be no-go areas and this is one of them.

Do you exist? I believe you do. I see hints of you in a lovers' embrace, the lingering glances and touches, beautifully written words in text and the intimate gestures that breathe nothing but familiarity between couples that make me sigh out of pleasure for being privvy to them from the sidelines.

Do you exist for me? I do not know. Would I like to find out? Maybe. I remain uncertain of this because of past experiences. I find myself shying away from flirtations and deeper conversations with the opposite sex because I do not wish to hurt any more. I no longer have the desire for meaningless conversations with people that do not excite me intellectually, humorously and emotionally. Most of all; I have come to loathe being used as a vessel to alleviate people's boredom, faux separation and silent treatments in their relationships.

People are under the impression that I am seeking perfection. They could not be more wrong. I am seeking emotional availability, consistency, honesty and action. Nothing more than that. But, it kind of seems too much to ask especially during this wait for you. I do not even know what to ask for anymore. The endless waiting period has filled me with a lot of doubt regarding your existence for me.

If you do exist for me, If you eventually arrive, may you be everything and more than I could ever dream of. May you show me your glorious beauty and imbue my soul with all the contentment it can take. And most of all; give me the simple pleasure of basking in the splendor of your reflection in a lover's eyes and warmth of his embrace.

Yours,
Shanah

Plus One

It has been a year since I composed this  under the influence of a sugar high and poor health. I was so chafed to see it in today's Facebook memories because I have been anxiously anticipating its revival, in a good way.

I still want to be someone's pain in the ass but maybe not exactly at this point in time. A later date or year or months when I am emotionally and mentally in a good place... possibly.

At this point in time:
I'd love nothing better than to be someone's plus one,
I want to be pampered,
I want to be cosseted,
I want to be a sugar-babe :(
I really miss the 3 am texting,
The ordained time for a soul-soul connection,
When insomnia was more of a friend than enemy,
I want to be someone's pain in the ass,
In the name of love!

Shanah

Love Cycle

A month ago, I had a lengthy chat with one of male supervisors after he expressed concern over my love cycle and the lack thereof an active social life. The chat was discomforting to put it mildly but after I got over the cringe factor, I gave him my full attention and took the opportunity to ask a few pertinent questions from a well seasoned man.

"When the opportunity comes, take it. Give it a try."

In the midst of him relaying love related stories of his friends and giving me tips along the way: I reflected upon my love cycle and how far it had come despite all attempts failing to reach butterfly stage. I have given more of me this year than all previous years combined. 

At the beginning of the year, matters of the heart were no where on my list of resolutions. If anything it was the last thing I could conceive of in thought. But, God returned a blast from the past and made me re-think it. Unfortunately, his presence in my life this time round was briefer than the years we spent apart. Suffice it to say; the reasons as to why you never made it with someone in the past apply a second time.

"Have you ever seen a woman drive a relationship?"

When he asked this, I literally laughed out loud! He soundly hit the nail on the head and didn't even know it! I am a control freak! I like to see things go my way and if I can commandeer them, I will! If I can spend a few minutes giving my own father orders like a general: why not a guy of no relation? 

But, I relinquished my control freak tendencies this time round because the guys refused to dance to my tune and toe the line.

"The thing about you girls is: you think just because a relationship failed, the friendship shouldn't remain."

I think maintaining a friendship with someone you like or liked and rejected you is the cruelest thing you can ever do to yourself especially if you have nothing in common to go on. They serve as constant reminders of something that could never be. Those feelings are better invested elsewhere than in a dead end situation. Nevertheless, some people make for better friends and once the friendship is priceless and invaluable that is enough to forget about the little hiccup in friendship.

"What you need is a modern relationship. One without commitment."

Love in the contemporary world as he calls it. Anyway, with those words; I knew he was a man after my own heart. The one thing I am not looking for is commitment! I love my independence and truthfully, the constant presence of people in my space stifles me a lot and makes me resentful. The moody girl that I am cannot handle commitment because my mood is reason enough to get me chucked!

"There is no faithful man and there is no unfaithful man. Once you know the difference between those two you will have successful relationships."

I shall not pretend to lie and say that I understood that. No. However, I took it to mean there is no such thing as fidelity in this generation of ours. If you believe he is faithful or not it is really up to you. It is better to have both eyes wide open and see life for what it truly is.
 As of the moment; I feel my love cycle has been used, abused and mistreated hence needs to be buried for the rest of the year. I have used up my quota of emotional and time investments for this year because emotions I last felt 5 or so 6 years ago were wrought and my heart needs serious stitches. It is for that matter that I am officially taking a break. Try me next year around September. 

Image credit: google

Emotionally Tired!

I hinted at my foray into being a social butterfly here without going into detail just how exhausting it is. The words were not ready then but are now.
Aside from having lunch dates with two of my oldest best friends who I hadn’t seen in years, I went on two dates as well although the last date happened after the social butterfly had hung up her wings. It was a spur of the moment kind of thing between both parties.
Anyway, the difference between these two dates is: one felt like a catch-up between old friends because we spent five hours eating and chatting while date two… Had the same overtones, yes. But, there were a little of those things that creep in when you are with someone that makes you feel some type of way (as we say nowadays). I had a good time at both but if it were up to me; date one would be the yardstick on which I’d measure a good date be it with or without feelings.
Judging from the lack of posts on dating, you can safely assume that I haven’t been in the dating field for quite sometime. The last time I dated or even made attempts at a relationship was at university. After that I have been loving my company. These attempts are to allay the fears of some of my aunts and me trying not to become a spinster without a concerted effort to mitigate the spiral.
What I have come to realize or learnt along the way is; all relationships are not only different but come with nuances that are uniquely theirs. It probably has to do with how someone makes you feel- the feelings dictate how to go about it or maybe the guy does. Every guy has his method of operation, no?
At this point in my life, I know I do not want to make investments in something that isn’t going anywhere. Not because age is catching up with me, but because it is tiring trying to make something work when you both clearly see it isn’t going anywhere. Too many feelings and memories to get rid off if it doesn’t work and too much time wasted trying get over the heartache. This is why I do not personally encourage guys who come my way when I know what they want is not on the table nor will it ever be.
Also, I’d like the boundaries of whatever it is defined. Come as a friend in my life and I’ll treat you as such. Come with not so friendly intentions and you’ll be treated as much as your intentions warrant. But do not come as a friend then try to cross over. No. It throws everything into a tailspin and once you realize you want to be friends again, it doesn’t work out. We all have a formula to friendships that don’t include one trying to crossover then seamlessly transition to again. It makes you an expendable entity.
I’ve said it before; once you friend-zone me, what makes you think I will comfortably be the friend? You will never be my friend. You are not going to loan me money if I ever need it. It takes years to cultivate a friendship full of trust, generosity, kindness and comfort unlike a relationship. People form relationships everyday unlike friendships. Friendships can stand the test of several bad relationships. The little you know about me or I you is not enough to make us friends and never will.
Decide who you want to be in my life and I shall treat you as such.