Where Is Your Boyfriend?!

As I grow older, I find myself weary of answering the 'where is your boyfriend?' question from interested and idly disinterested but nosy parties.

Before; I would take it on nonchalantly and either respond with a joke or honesty to those that hold genuine interest in my life and wish me well but now, I am exhausted.

The question has become an endless reminder of my failure as a female despite my many accomplishments and successes career-wise. There are so many things I should be grateful and proud of at the moment but they are encapsulated by sorrow over my incapacity to be attached to someone for society's validation.

Whenever a person asks me, 'where is your boyfriend?', I am reminded of the many futile attempts made to hold on to people that don't want to be held on to, the boys I had hopes in but never measured up and the number of times I have been led towards dead end roads and each memory cuts like a sharp knife. The memories still sting like they happened yesterday yet enough time has passed for the pain to lessen.

Many may not know this but I have tried. So much so that I have let go of the dreams I held in this regard and made peace with the fact that they shall never come to fruition in this life. I am slowly getting used to the notion that I might be the spinster aunt to my nephews and do not have the time nor the energy to help everyone along. The only energy I have is for the betterment of me as a human, to show kindness to others and be good where possible. Besides, this body is giving up on me faster than my spirit is. I can't be fighting two things at ago. I am enough with or without a man.

The Distance Between Us

To
My Former Love;

I still think that you're the one that understood me best.
I would have given you a chance a million times over, if you had shown a modicum of the interest I thought we shared. But, you never did. Neither when I asked you nor I forced your hand. You still played your cards close to your chest and I wasn't built for it. I wasn't built for uncertainty yet you thrived, no, savoured it like it was the most delicious morsel of meat you have ever tasted.
My needs and I have always played second fiddle to the needs of the people in my life and seeing myself taken as a by -the-way was something I couldn't settle for. Even though murky water runs beneath the makeshift bridge we built, it doesn't take away the handful of good memories I have left of you.
You can't deny that I tried for you. I tried a lot more than you would ever know but it wasn't enough. The deal was too raw for me to settle given the uncertainty of the terms. It was either your way or not at all.
Taking you from the person I shared every little detail of my life with, to someone I share a handful of memories with wasn't easy. You were my waking thought. The person my thoughts ran to when something happened in my life and my 3 am companion. You were a habit I nurtured with each opportunity that came my way until...
How many times did we try to mend the cracks between us? Once? Twice? Thrice? I can't even remember because there were instances where you were so callous in your treatment; instances I forgave you for because I liked you a lot, until that day.
Do you ever wonder what happened? Do you think about what you did wrong that drove me to that point? Should I tell you: now that we have a few years worth of distance between us?
To you; it was another empty promise you were making me yet it was a little bubble of hope for us on my side. You gave me the teenage experience I never had by making me wait for a call that never came through. Given our history; that wasn't unexpected but the bitter taste the experience left in my mouth was something I didn't relish. That day made the decision for me.
I had made a lot of moves for you, given you a lot more chances than I have ever given anyone in my life, watched from the side-lines as you publicly mocked every little thing that I did for you. It was enough. I couldn't give anymore. I had nothing left. You took it all. Even the fight I should have had on reserve for your successors.
Am I angry? No. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't know what to look for in anyone I might consider sharing my life with. You are the other yardstick on which I measure their worth as men especially when it comes to their treatment towards me.
It took me years to give others chances. Unfortunately or fortunately, the first person I gave a chance to failed miserably. He said all the pretty and flowery words that I longed to hear from you and I was sold. No. You know I do I do not fall that easily. I thought the years and affection between this person and I would provide the firm foundation for this stage in our lives only to be disappointed. Like you, he failed to live up to his words.
Do you remember that girl? The one that fought for you? She couldn't garner the energy to fight for him once he started being indifferent towards her. That girl just unfriended him so he could do it better from a far. Fighting never even crossed my mind yet it was an uncontrollable urge for your case. Mend it! Fix it! Give it one more try! I was always bridging the distance between us that to this day - I do not have the energy it takes to fight for or chase after a guy, however much I presume to like him.
My life is a revolving door of comings and goings. I should be used to it but I am not. Seeing your successor go hurt a lot because I thought we had a good friendship. The years alone should have been enough to intercede and stop this outcome...
I have never regretted you. I still do not regret you. You meant much more than you knew at that point in my life. What I regret are the feelings you evoked in me. They were too intense to handle. Feeling that way taught me that I never want to be that vulnerable towards another human being and I still don't.
Twice this year; I have been asked on two separate occasions if I would consider us being friends? I loved our friendship. You understood me better than anyone I had encountered in my life. I would have considered it if it was at your instigation and not hearsay. They do not know how dark the murky water that runs beneath our makeshift bridge is and that there's a lot more to it than the distance between us.

Yours,
In love and thoughts,
Shanah

Moments

There are moments when he looks at her,
Seeking the love that shone brilliantly with each gaze.
Searching for the little smile that crossed her lips with each interaction between them.
Aching for the acts of affection that were given so lavishly but went unappreciated.

There are moments when he looks at her,
With bated breath and a frightfully hopeful gaze.
Looking for the love that he thought was infinitely his,
From eyes clouded by his disappointments,
And a heart forever broken by them.

Disappointment

This is what we nowadays term as a ‘throwback’ post because I wrote it last year 15th/12/2014 to be exact. At a time when I was so frustrated, moody and disappointed with someone I thought would eventually be a life partner. The feelings were mutual and much as the conversations at the start felt like pulling teeth, I loved his company and who he was.
I titled it ‘disappointment’ because it is how I felt and still do. Disappointed mostly in having to let go of someone who I share religious affiliations with. This is what hurt the most - letting go of a good Muslim guy. I attract boys who hardly share my religious beliefs and finding someone who does is a godsend that I treasure. To have to let go of one is painful.

Disappointment
You know what disappointment is?
Disappointment is the realisation that the person you thought would be your life partner wants to change you into someone you are not.
It is knowing; however much you may ignore your instinct, it will always be right at the end of the day.
It is facing up to facts of life. Much as you may like the person, you will never be his ideal.
It is knowing that the people you care about will always find you lacking.
It is in the knowledge that; that picture in your mind of the two of you shall never come to pass.
It is in the knowledge that you will never be who you truly are with him for fear of criticism.
Disappointment is what makes the heart ache over what it is losing.
Letting go of someone you truly care about hurts but at the end of the day, you have to look after YOU.

By the time it came to this; I had ignored all the tell tale signs until I couldn’t anymore.

Worst Week Ever!

I had one of the worst weeks of my life last week. Not only was I robbed of some of my most expensive possessions, one of my good friend’s friend had the audacity to start abusing me on said good friend’s wall!
Why do boys think; just because they want to talk to you, make you focus your attention on them against your will that it is likewise?
I wrote on my friend’s wall and on pops this chap’s silly comment! After the bad days I had been through, I wasn’t having any of that nonsense. Yes! Being a girl doesn’t mean I have to talk to you just because you want to.
Fun-knee is; when you refuse to accommodate them, they start hurling insults which is exactly what this guy did. I gave as good as I could and left it at that deciding to wait for my friend to comment instead of fighting with someone so worthless!
Okay, realistically, why would you comment on a post that is not meant for you especially when you hardly know the person that posted it in the first place? What is the purpose behind the act? I’d presume you can make a post of your own since you want to talk to the person, right? I don’t think you’ll find me commenting on a post that wasn’t addressed to me nor would I write nonsensical comments just to irritate!
On a lighter note, I thank God for my amazing friends and soul sister. Trying times are easy to deal with with you guys. Thank you for the care and the concern. Love each and everyone of you. xo

April Highlights.

I decided to do a roundup of what I was dealing with during the month of the Fool or Fools.

I have been sick for the longest time! Unfortunately, I am not one of those that happen to be endowed with good health throughout the year. I envy such people! But in my religion i.e. Islam, sickness is a way of expiating on your earthly sins which is a good thing but on the other hand, I must be such a Sinner! The good thing about all this is that my best friend and a few of my good friends were there for me in spirit. I love them for that. Nothing makes one feel better about themselves than knowing that they have someone who absolutely cares, no matter what!

I suffered a crushing disappointment from someone who really did not have the option of disappointing me. It took me awhile to wrap my brain around the fact that he really did it but I got over it. We all have expectations in others because we want to see a little of our own kindness in them, when we don't receive nor see any of it, it absolutely hurts. We live and learn everyday and it’s because of this that my faith in the person has diminished a notch.

April saw the beginning of the 'walk to work' protests in Uganda led by the opposition leaders. They were meant to be peaceful protests but the outcome and damage caused wasn't what they had hoped for. I got to witness police brutality and also found out just how much power the police have in their hands. Why don't we have a disciplinary committee for the police? Why must they assault citizens and get away with it?

The hugest highlight of last month had to be the wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton. She looked so beautiful and her doing her own makeup was a bonus because she got it right. I think Harry looked better than the Groom but hey, it was his day. David Beckham (massive crush) looked so handsome and dashing in his morning suit. I loved his sleeked back hair. Victoria is a lucky woman. The British have a thing for hats because, it was a HAT show. Kate deserved her prince and this showed that fairy tales really do come true.

The exit of April marked the beginning of one of my favorite TV shows Big Brother Africa. The adverts throughout the month were making me anxious. Tension was at its peak due to the fact that I wasn't sure of who was going to be our representative. They ended up being revealed on the forum just a week from the premier and it wasn't all bad. There is a massive provision of male eye candy!

Now, that we said bye to April. I am happy to finally see the arrival of MAY which happens to be my birth month. So excited! And happy to be better so I can enjoy it and everything.

Have a Fantastic May everyone.

xxxShanahxxx

loss

 Why is loss the hardest thing to go through? Why do we have to lose friends, the people that we care about in this process? Why does it turn out that the person you trusted the most is the one that you should have been wary of more than anything in the world?

I wonder if everyone thinks about the loss of a great friend. Loss in the sense that you had to let go of the friendship due to something that happened not because of death

I had a friend who I loved talking to so much, everything was all about laughter and fun with a bit of seriousness here and there. The sad thing is that this friend took advantage of our friendship and did something I least expected. It wasn't a big deal but for some reason I can't move on from that and when I see her, I feel this overwhelming rage. I don't want her near me nor associating with the people I talk to yet we have people we share in common.

When I think about the moments we shared, I end up regretting the loss of that friendship because I do miss her. I sometimes wonder if I handled that situation badly. I can't help think to myself that maybe its my fault, the way things are between us.

However much I might regret the loss of the friendship, I don't feel any remorse in letting go of her because, I feel that, once someone wrongs you and you forgive, they might take advantage of you at some point in the future.

Maybe I just have an unforgiving nature?