A Moment's Catch Up.

It's been a minute, no? I wish I could say a lot has been going on in this social butterfly's life but I would be telling lies.
my brother finally left me. It is coming to a month since he's been gone. Oddly enough, I don't miss him as much as I thought I would. I guess it has to do with the realization his life is not here. It has never been since he was a teenager. He was of unfathomable help during my transition to work. Without his help, guidance and dry sense of humour I would not have made it. I'm glad for the year and a half we had together this time round. Longest period we spent as young adults.
 With my brother's leave; someone I knew many years ago and consider quite special popped back into my life. It was such a surprise because I had long abandoned thoughts of ever crossing paths with him. For the moment: I like the knowledge of having him around however short a period it may be. Fun-knee how we think some people are special yet they hardly hold us in the same regard.
A few weeks ago,a friend
riend asked me not to dodge Cupid. Tall order for someone like me. I am trying not to dodge Cupid. He/she is not playing his part. All I am getting from him are young boys. Yes! Boys who hold me in reverence. Boys who are intimidated by little me. Boys who make me feel like I am saying naughty things to my favourite male cousin. It is an appalling feeling and thought to say the least. Much as I like them and would love to keep some, I can't help but wish they were a couple of years older.
 The person, no. The girl I know I am wants and prefers a man. Someone who will have a firm hand on the tiller. I want to feel intimidated for once. I last felt so in high school during a Maths class pairing with a certain boy. No other guy has ever made me feel like that to date. In essence a man who will not let me get away with my own bullshit as I am accustomed to given the opportunity.
is there anything wrong with just sitting tight and waiting? doesn't what is meant to be happen as was ordained by god without us giving it a push because i would love nothing more than sitting tight and waiting for the one who is meant to be fall into my lap. foolish thoughts but it is how i feel nowadays.

credits: burberry

We Don't Always Get What We Wish For... 08/11/2014

I wish he'd let me forget him.

I wish I'd had 6months to a year to get over him and the feelings he arouses in me.

I wish he'd never reached out at a point where his name was becoming a distant memory.

I wish I never felt this way about him knowing it cannot be.

I wish I didn't have to deal with the thought of 'us' again when I'd just buried it.

I wish my heart didn't ache with thoughts of him.

I wish I had the strength to cut him out of my life once and for all.

And most of all; I wish he wasn't who is.

It'd make the loss of him much easier.

But we don't always get what we wish for.

 Xx Shanah.

I have this habit of making little notes on my phone 50% of the time because it is always at hand and this is one of them. The downside of writing on the phone is the lack of time to make necessary transfers. I get to it a little later than I should. The notes are either deleted or sequestered away on email but often deleted during general clean up sessions at the end of the year when the feelings/mood that inspired them is nonexistent.

Disappointment

This is what we nowadays term as a ‘throwback’ post because I wrote it last year 15th/12/2014 to be exact. At a time when I was so frustrated, moody and disappointed with someone I thought would eventually be a life partner. The feelings were mutual and much as the conversations at the start felt like pulling teeth, I loved his company and who he was.
I titled it ‘disappointment’ because it is how I felt and still do. Disappointed mostly in having to let go of someone who I share religious affiliations with. This is what hurt the most - letting go of a good Muslim guy. I attract boys who hardly share my religious beliefs and finding someone who does is a godsend that I treasure. To have to let go of one is painful.

Disappointment
You know what disappointment is?
Disappointment is the realisation that the person you thought would be your life partner wants to change you into someone you are not.
It is knowing; however much you may ignore your instinct, it will always be right at the end of the day.
It is facing up to facts of life. Much as you may like the person, you will never be his ideal.
It is knowing that the people you care about will always find you lacking.
It is in the knowledge that; that picture in your mind of the two of you shall never come to pass.
It is in the knowledge that you will never be who you truly are with him for fear of criticism.
Disappointment is what makes the heart ache over what it is losing.
Letting go of someone you truly care about hurts but at the end of the day, you have to look after YOU.

By the time it came to this; I had ignored all the tell tale signs until I couldn’t anymore.

Quotes.

I have been reading a lot lately; it is my pastime especially when it is a slow day at work. Most of these quotes and passages are from books I have read and my favourite shows. If they are mushy, blame it on the novels. I haven’t read a serious novel since The Fault In Our Stars? No, that’s not true. I returned to the author who got me hooked on to novels- Danielle Steel. And if you know her stuff she is as serious as they come. So serious that I first prepared myself by reading Five Days In Paris; a book I read in my teens before delving into her latest books.

“A beautiful woman alone is always vulnerable”- Anne Mather
“I’m the kind of girl who likes company. When traveling through hell.” – Fearless Heart
“Fear tells you where the edge is. Fear is a good thing.” - Gotham
“Torture is an art form. It is a skill you cultivate.” – ARROW
“Passion is a storm not love.”- Windeck
“The unloved and unlovely of this world are often invisible to those of affluence.” – Dorothy Clark
“Lust is not love, and passion can turn cold when expectations are not met, when deeply set needs are not answered.” – Sandra Marton
“It’s a wonder I haven’t abandoned all my ideals. They seem so absurd and impractical. Yet I cling to them because I still believe, in spite of everything, that people are truly good at heart.” – Anne Frank (Echoes)
“Whoever saves one life, saves a world entire.” – Talmud (Echoes)
“When they act like you mean nothing to them, it means they are madly in love with you.” – Danielle Steel (Echoes)
“I wanted you to know that I love you, in case something happens to me when I go back. I want you to know that this man loves you, and will love you till the day he dies.” – Danielle Steel
“The important things were never easy. That is what made them important.” – Danielle Steel
“Some griefs are not meant to be shared.” – Danielle Steel
“Language could be every bit as filled with subtle textures that hold concealed messages as art.” – Penny Jordan

Echoes – Danielle Steel
Fearless Heart – Telenovela
Windeck – African Telenovela

A Gradual Resolution.

It’s a New Year, New Beginnings and all that fan fare people associate with a new year. And I couldn’t be any more less excited. Why? Because I miss the two weeks I had off work. I was just starting to relax, enjoy being home and before I knew it; the fortnight was done. And my brother is leaving me sooner than I thought which makes it suck more!
However short it turned out to be; I enjoyed it immensely. I got the chance  to take naps and remembered how waking up from one felt like – refreshing. I think the lack of taking one at work is what drains me most. I should look into getting alone time over there.

My Creations

The creative juices flowed like never before and I made two necklaces which I loved. Not forgetting the one I edited. Drawing, making something and reading are my most treasured moments of free time. They symbolize peace, rest and I get as much out of them as a Zen master would out of meditation.
So it’s the new year. Hmm… I try not to have resolutions because no one ever goes through with them anyway but this time round, I am forced to have one. Yes. I realized last year that I have massive anger issues and might need anger management lessons at some point in my life. I’m pretty much a laid-back girl: the kind that is not fazed by anything for I take people at face value, I rarely let little things get to me so it takes forever for me to become enraged.
Well, I suffered my most enraging moment last year! The kind of rage that is only spent by breaking several things. And I broke some. The sound of shattering glass and ceramic definitely does something for the mind. There is that sense of fulfilment and calmness that overcomes the body after expending those emotions. Last time I felt this enraged was in High School and even then I broke a little something. What’s not cool though is; the muscle pain garnered from the energy and force put behind breaking stuff. I went around with a sore shoulder for two weeks.
Seeing as I can’t go round breaking things; the need to work on my anger is real and as such I am going to try as much as I possibly can. This will, however, be a gradual process. Those of us who take forever to combust take twice the time to work on it. So, wish me luck.
And with that; may you all be able to go through with your resolutions. Happy New Year.

A Look Back On My 2014.

Not so long ago on an evening out with my brothers, I had a moment of reflection upon everything that happened in the course of 2014. This took me to the years where my girl Shar and I would promise each other on new years eve- the new year was our year. We did this for a couple of years until we both realized ‘our’ year was yet to come.
I smiled to myself as it occurred to me that 2014 was the year we were both waiting for; the one God had ordained. So much has happened in this year than in all the previous years we used to hang our hopes on. A dream I had stopped dreaming finally came true. I am gainfully employed and so is my girl. Knowing that we are going through this at the same point in our lives means everything to me. To be able to share experiences and hurts with each other as we navigate this new journey is more than one could ask for.
The road to financial independence is quite challenging for both of us. However, I am glad to be back on a scheduled and focused point in life. There is a lot of comfort in knowing where you must be at a particular time and what you should do than trying to figure out how to spend the day and make the time fruitful.
Also, artistic inspiration has been on a high this year than any other. I draw on and off every year which is nothing new but trying my hand at creating jewellery and carrying it off is something I never saw coming. Nurturing the talent has been quite the ride. The ideas are endless yet the time is rarely there. I wouldn’t change it for anything. Being a jewellery designer is one of my biggest dreams. It is what I want to be in the years to come. God willing. And taking these baby steps in the right direction are everything.
Best of all this year; is having my brother around. Sad’s being here has made the work experience a little bit easier. There are times when I don’t think he understands me at all yet he does. Having him around at this moment in time is more than I could have ever imagined because at the end of the day; he is my confidant, my sense of humor and most of all my brother.I shall miss him immensely when the time for him to leave dawns. I pray for nothing but the best for him.
Enough of the mushiness. LOL. I couldn’t be more grateful for everything that’s been 2014. The friends I have made both old and new, the experiences, gift of life to see most of it come true and the new dreams.
Happy New Year people. May all your wishes and dreams come true in the coming year.

My 2014 Highlights – A continuation.

From L-R: Eid, manning front office, workshop lunch, lunch with Joy and Birthday Surprise

31/05/2014 – Surprise birthday celebration at home with two of my best friends, Clare & Malcolm. I looked like a hot mess while they were all spiffy. 
04/06/2014 – God will surely punish me for the lies I tell about being married to guys I don’t want to encourage.
- Meeting Mark put a whole different spin on disability awareness.
05/06/2014 – Helped a blind man edit his work. I’m glad we had a chat about what I’d really love to do and where my interests lay.
11/06/2014 – Sad’s birthday.
- Movie plans involving boys never materialise. I should stop making them.
- 30 day blogging challenge, can I hack such an undertaking?
15/06/2014 – Spending time with the keeper of my secrets. I love her.
16/06/2014 – I hate to see her sad; I hope she mends fences with her mum and not let the boy rule her life.
21/06/2014 – One of those days where I wish other people’s good fortune would rub off on me. It is hard being your own hero when you hardly know where to start.
08/07/2014 – 135 views on Simply Shanah.
14/07/2014 – The prospect of seeing an old friend and catching up.
- That sense of accomplishment you feel after finishing the set tasks of the day.
15/07/2014 – Finally finished my braided necklace and thanked God for my creative skills.
16/07/2014 – The compliments on the necklace are overwhelming and heart warming.
24/07/2014 – Unexpected opportunity at work. May it happen as God intended.
- Visit from my girl Belle.
28/07/2014 – Eid. Having one of my oldest friends spend it with me makes it more special.
29/07/2014 – 6 AM inspiration. Another design to add onto my ‘heart’ series.
- An SMS in lieu of the dreaded phone call. Pending interview.
30/07/2014 – Job interview! I’m glad it went better than expected.
- 22OOHRS inspiration visit and going with it.
31/07/2014 – Lunch with OR. It had been long overdue.
03/08/2014 – I feel like I am on the cusp of a yet-to-be written chapter in my life.
06/08/2014 – Utterly frustrating day but a bad beginning made for a good ending.
- My mum and Sad’s excitement on my behalf. It is all so hard to take in.
08/08/2014 – Another design to add onto my ‘heart’ series.
15/08/2014 – Seeing my aunt Asia made me miss seeing her and my ride or die girl on the regular.
17/08/2014 – Check up from the one who started this work journey in my life and his kind wishes made me so happy. I hope it all goes well.
22/08/2014 – Treated myself to a solitary meal at an eatery. I missed these moments of eating by myself in a fancy place.
29/08/2014 – Volunteer workshop at Africana and the meal that followed. A good way to end my volunteer experience.
30/08/2014 – Thoughts of the coming chapter in my life. Absolutely scared and excited at the same time.
01/09/2014 – First day of the rest of my work life. Several things not to like but the work is alright.
02/09/2014 – Chat with my bestfriend from Primary School changed my perspective about work and its challenges.
12/09/2014 – The fact that my crappy handwriting and signature now appear on a few official documents.
15/09/2014 – Got my first work I.D.
17/09/2014 – Gentlemen still exist.
22/09/2014 – If you don’t teach people how to treat you right, they never will.
24/09/2014 – The keeper of my secrets is having a baby!
01/10/2014 – Birthday of the Keeper of my secrets. I think of her as my baby yet here she is having a baby of her own on the way.
- Completed my first month of gainful employment.
21/11/2014 – Celebrating employment with the boys.
23/11/2014 – Artistic inspiration struck yet I’d been in search of writing inspiration.
03/12/2014 – When you’re down in the doldrums, the last thing you need is abuse from a page you go to to chill.
04/12/2014 – So moody lately.
05/12/2014 – Coincidental meeting with a Facebook page mate.
06/12/2014 – Lunch plans with Baby J fell through and I came off looking like an ill-mannered brat because of my mood swings.
07/12/2014 – The knowledge that there is such a thing as Plate Theory.
11/12/2014 – Mariam Nan has been of great help lately yet we have never met. She’s like my sounding board when I need an impartial voice of reason.
12/12/2014 – Waking up to potentially good news and the promise of it coming true. I couldn’t be more happier for Sad.
14/12/2014 – Plumbing with my daddy although I just held the tools and gave orders like a general while he worked.
- Discovered a reader of Simply Shanah. Funny how people come into your life.
15/12/2014 – Contemplating the purchase of Art supplies for my office.
- Celebration with the boys over Sad’s good news.
 16/12/2014 – I succumbed and bought Art supplies for my office. The creative release marginally improved my mood and the piece looks beautiful.
- Catch up session with my friend Captain Jack Sparrow.
18/12/2014 – My mum saying I look thinner due to work.
19/12/2014 – Being provided the opportunity to get to know someone you have been keeping on the peripheral of your brain.
- Counting days to break off time from work.
20/12/2014 – Last day of work until the 5th of January.
21/12/2014 – Finished a design to one of my Works-In-Progress drawings.
- Taking an afternoon nap after several months of work. I had forgotten how taking and waking up from one actually felt like.
26/12/2014 -  Art grind in the wee hours of the night.
27/12/2014 - Created a tribal necklace in a day! Woot!
-Alhamdulilah for creative inspiration.
29/12/2014 - Jewellery editing is hell on my nails but the outcome is always superb.
- I miss my nose piercing a lot, lately. I should man up and see to it because it's been 3 years without it.
30/12/2014 - Getting my hair done. Wonderful way to prepare for the new year. If you look good, you feel good no matter what!

There was so much to be grateful for in 2014 because it has been very good to me. I hope it marks the beginning of many more wonderful opportunities. And that everything happens as it was meant to. Ameen.